Answers to concerns women have about Female Led Relationships, Female Dominant Couples and his fantasy

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A little about language

     If you listen to your question it will give you clues about how you feel inside. Your knee jerk reaction will lead the way. You may ask yourself questions including words such as "maybe," "should," "have to," "must," "could," "only if" and more. No one "has to" but rather, they "get to" if that is what they desire. No one "must" but instead they "can" if it pleases them. Qualifiers like "could" and "only if" speak to your less than full commitment. If you are questioning whether or not you want to do something then perhaps you shouldn't. Before any final decision, ponder deeply what you are asking so you get the answers you want. Further, people into FLR are going to have different answers to questions than those who are not or are in objection.

Female Dominant Couples? what is that?

     Don't put to much into the usage of the word 'Dominant', it merely describes a relationship where the woman has greater responsibility and authority as a leader for the couple. People constantly say "a male dominated world" and no one thinks of men in leather corsets with whips. It is a double standard, and a dirty trick to have such double standards especially when they represent a system of control over all our lives beckoning us follow a traditional pattern of living.

It seems like there are a lot of dark things in his fantasy about female led relationship

     Yes, you are correct. The extreme BSDM elements are dark and difficult to understand. Why anyone would want them in play or in a relationship on a regular basis can be difficult to grasp. If this is your concern and you enjoy any of those things or would like to try them, make a trial run. If the dark side and the danger of it is tantalizing then run your own experiment. There is no limit except the one you set. Be smart, be safe, be yourself (unless you want to role play). You don't need to do any of them to have a successful FLR.

Who says FLR/Female Dominant Couples are bad

     There are voices against FLR and Female Dominant Couples. Some are doing it from religious conviction where their faith clearly maps out the plan for couples while others from guiding principle reasoning, such as the belief that no one should ever control another human. There are not many on the side of saying FLR is good. Most of the proponents of FLR are into it and not so much the casual onlookers. In the case of Wrapped Around Her Finger and Venus on Top, the goal of the group was to provide awareness through selling books. There are not many voices either way, and they tend to be more extreme than less. When confronted with this situation most of us are in the middle on the issue. Many people think it could go either way depending on the choices a couple makes.

Is a female led relationship healthy for me, him or us as a couple?

     There are some elements in his fantasy that are not healthy. 1. Humiliation can be unhealthy unless you are using the boot camp approach to break down the barriers and replace them with better things. Continued humiliation is destructive, people need self-esteem and a sense of worth. 2. Sadomasochism can be unhealthy when applied badly or harshly. Severe beatings cause contusions and lacerations.. Many of the practices have consequences, open sores, bruises, cuts, torn fascia. 3. Objectification can be unhealthy unless in play, turning a person into an object removes there intrinsic value and humanity. 4. How would any relationship be improved by continued force? Men who want force should only be indulged for a time and for the purpose of effecting change. External motivation is better than force, Self motivation is best.

Do I have to do all this stuff to keep my relationship?

     No, absolutely not. You can just say you don't want it and/or pick and choose what you do want if anything. His fantasy is for you to dominate him. If you feel forced, coerced or threatened, he is not treating you as a respected leader or even as a friend. In fact you should re-examine your commitment to him entirely if that is the case.

I am just not that kind of woman

     It is true that most (more then 50%) of women are just not interested, capable and/or willing to lead. Many woman are content even thrilled to follow. It is widely known that 40% of all women have low libido. Some women are weak by nature which is not a bad thing. As a matter of fact, that should be celebrated that it is their temperament and part of what makes them unique. If you are not all in or ready for FLR it is not for you. No matter what he wants he won't be satisfied with your participation if you are not into it and so be it.

I feel like I am forced to do this

     There may be a few reasons for this which includes: 1) Where you feel compelled for reasons you have. perhaps you want to make things better, perhaps it plays on your heart strings or touches a trigger you have. You just need to figure out if you, your mate and your relationship will be better for your participation. 2) He is manipulating, coercing, or threatening you or you just feel like he is. There are times when force is the only tool we have to get things done but for someone who wants to be led by you to exert force on you means he is NOT showing you any behavior that resembles a man wanting FLR. The object of your leadership is to make things better for all. If things get worse then you are going the wrong direction. Examine your relationship and your willingness, if you feel female led relationship will be beneficial go for it, and if you are willing to try thing try them with joy.

Must I control him?

     No! Not if you don`t want to. He MUST be willing to submit to your leadership in order for you to lead and he MUST be willing to control himself at least most of the time. If he has a real need to control as a safety issue then by all means jump in. You can do it yourself, get help from a trusted friend or make a relationship with another woman or man in FLR to help. A good sign control is good for him is when he is unable to enact personal discipline.

Controlling two lives - I can't even control mine

     Funny but true! Micro-managing is hard and control is somewhat of an illusion. Good managers delegate, create rules, get help and employ technologies or they cannot micro-manage. One strategy is to use 'hands on' management in the beginning with all the help you want and need. Then as things normalize you will not need to be so 'involved'. You will still be 'manager' but the process will be self managed through governance (a set of rules and methods for doing things).

Is domestic discipline good for me, him or us as a couple

     That is debated. You will have to decide for yourself. In some cases it is truly destructive such as drastic whipping/caining, prolonged bondage, starvation and isolation. Beyond that it seems innocent enough. The real talk is about whether or not it is acceptable to do to another adult. People seem to go both ways. Some say, it is your life so live it as you want. Others say disciplinarians are destructive to relationships. My advice is to be smart and decide for your relationship what is best. There are lots of fanatic in this discussion so it make one wonder if there is intelligence on either side. I think I would take this out but I am not really sure what it is saying.


Everything is not as it seems, we find pleasure in the pain of exercise, pain in the pleasure of child birth and laughing through tears is almost as good as sex.

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