Getting motivated to use training in your female led relationship -

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· This article was last updated August 2011
Getting motivated to use training in your female led relationship

Getting started on your training wheels

     Training is one of those overlooked positive experiences in life we tend to shy away from in relationships. I believe the shyness of women comes from a couple of myths and some baggage we women carry. The myths go like this "You can't change someone else, you can only change yourself", and "he should know by now". The baggage is our failed attempts to make a positive impact on our guys when we were younger. There is also a myth that "it sounds like a lot of work".

     Well... here is the good news, you can change someone else, when they want to change and he needs the training because he missed it when he was young as a result of our failed attempts. As for our baggage, well, time to get back on the train (that worked well as a double entendre). In some cases it may be work to make changes, adopt skills and resocialize but the up-front work consumes much less time than future problems will if changes are not made.

     Before we begin with the reasons for training, let's discuss what kinds of training there are. Life training has three parts.

  1. Skills acquisition.
    We learn skills in a variety of ways, in relationships those skills take the shape of getting a task done. Tasks like chores are common to most of us. He may or may not be good at them. This is the easiest and most often used training.
  2. Learned behaviors.
    Behaviors are both how we think, what we do and how we react. Part of our persona is based on behaviors. There are appropriate, neutral and inappropriate behaviors.
  3. Socialization.
    Socialization is difficult to understand, where did we learn those cues. Many came from our own interpretation of how we saw others behave. Most of socialization remains mysterious.

All right now on to getting motivated to train your man and yourself.

  1. He can learn new skills
    Teaching him how you do things and why is valuable to you both. He will feel better able to do his part to your standard, when you show him what that standard is and reinforce the standard by supervising his work until he has it right. FLR men want to know "how to please you". This is a simple way to help you both.
    • How it helps you: You gain confidence in your leadership and refine your ideals for life. You get more free time to do important things like relax or grow your financial portfolio. He learns to anticipate you.
    • How it helps him: He is more confident he can support and please you. Your teaching him reinforced who is leading. His humble learning helps change his behavior and socialization.
    • How it helps your FLR: Reduction in strife, improved role definition. Teaching skills and learning them puts the two of you into face-time and reinforced your commitment as a couple.
  2. Behavior is easy to change
    Behavioral changes are simple to make, they are as easy as learning better habits and getting reinforced for doing them, discarding old habits and being penalized for doing them. Habits they say, take 3 weeks to adopt, while just a few days to lose.
    • How it helps you: Besides the obvious benefit in his changed habits and behaviors, you get a better mate more suited to pleasing and serving you. This may be a thrill to see happen as you get reinforcment for your leadership.
    • How it helps him: This will be more something you'll have to qualify, the change might help him better in social situations, grow in his service to you, become dependent on you, seek your approval or any number of changes that benefit him.
    • How it helps your FLR: Reduction in strife, a world more ordered by women. There is a strong psychological thing that happens to couples engaged in behavior changes when they both set a goal, work towards it and win.
  3. Re-socialization moves along with skills acquisition and behavior changes.
    Just by engaging in changes and learning you both are engaging in social re-engineering especially when you do them publicly. This means he tells other he does the dishes every night so others see him as the man who does the dishes. Likewise, you tell others you do the financial planning so others see you as the finance person. Who do you think they will defer to for decisions then?
    • How it helps you: Re-socialization get the community to reinforce your desired role definitions. You get direct help and support from the community who support you.
    • How it helps him: He will be living his fantasy.
    • How it helps your FLR: Couples engaging in re-socialization will experience both adversity and benefits. The entire process reinforces FLR.

Bits and bops about reinforcement

     The idea of the exchange of power you are engaging in by living in any level of FLR is both provocative and mentally stimulating. You as his leader are in a position to reward and punish him. There are two interesting conditions that will align him with your leadership faster than all others that you can do. The first is to create situations where he is vulnerable to you; where you make a show of your authroity and ultimately demonstrate your love for him - this builds intimacy and creates safety for him to surrender to you. The second is to create dependence on you as his leader. Dependence limited to key areas such as sexual decisions about his climax, how money is spent and how he spends his free time will place him in a mode of seeking you for consent. You don`t have to beat someone to make this happen, men did it for thousands of years to women, you get to use it humanly and lovingly. Punishment has its place too as do visual cues.

Punishment and visual cues

     There is not doubt that dress or undress, allowing him to take part in your comfort and hygiene, and physical position make a difference in training men by setting the stage. It is not as important as the training itself. Men are visual creatures so dress for success or undress for it. The image of you in your business clothes and him naked sends a statement. The idea of you standing and him kneeling gets to him. The pleasure of being invited to and serving you in your bathing, lotion and dressing routine will imprint on him. The gift of rubbing your feet or body will bond him to you more and more. Similarly your being the authoritarian will serve to enhance his training. If he does something wrong correct him, if he does it twice discipline him, for a pattern of bad behavior punish him - but always in ways that are painful not rewarding to him. If he wants your attention put him in a corner in a room you are not in - I know that sounds childish and we use that for kids but he has a boy in him that will benefit. In my opinion, spanking and whipping with a belt or hair brush should only be done when he is naked and asks for it and you decide he deserve it and it will benefit your relationship (in other words, he/you will benefit from it). I recommend he be helpless to stop the punishment by being bound or that you make him get down on all fours on the floor while you stand over him. Some women enjoy it, I do, some don`t, you decide for yourself. If he needs you for this make it dramatic, extremely painful and rare.

Strong psychology

     You'll find his psychology interesting. On the one hand he believes his fantasy will get him something and on the other hand he is terrified of it because of all the changes and the position it puts him in. Good leadership includes understanding his psychology and yours and harassing them to mutual benefit.

  1. Remember everything you do for him will also effect you.
    Engage in positive things that build your relationship and move you to your goals. Think ahead and visualize how you will remember something to see how you want to approach it.
  2. Persistance is the key.
    The work you put up-front will pay off with little work in the long run.
  3. Use position to your advantage.
    You can still be equals in your humanity and partners in life even when you lead and he follows. You are the teacher, he the student; you are the leader; he the follower; you are the authority, he is under your authority, you are the provider, he is dependant; and on and on.... This is what he wants so take advantage of it.
  4. Don't forget to supervise.
    All your training will come to not if you fail to supervise. Check up on him, test his work, hold reviews, make changes, use rewards and punishments.
  5. Reinforce your relationship.
    The time you spend working towards intimacy, vulnerability and connection with him will serve you both a lifetime.
»» Do you live near Melbourne Australia? ««
'My wife and I want to connect with other couples currently engaged in a Female-led relationship, who live in Melbourne, Australia. We wish to start a program of regular munches/meetups and establish a local support network' Please make contact if interested: Kate and Christian Mitchell
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Women were asked
I like the thought of managing our life?
26% 3% 71%
In Some Ways No Yes

*on-going poll requested of women

97% of women like the idea of managing the couples lives. Add this to the 99% of women interested in having the final decision in the couples lives and it speaks volumes about how women feel.

Women were asked
I like the thought of changing him?
35% 11% 55%
In Some Ways No Yes

*on-going poll requested of women

Women think highly of the idea of changing their men. 89% of those polled were positive about it. So another strong motive is a woman's desire to control their environment and their men.

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