What men need from female led relationships, intimacy, connection and control - aboutFLR.com

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· This article was last updated February 2011

Intimacy, connection and control in female led relationship

--by Ann Belford and Victor Bright Ell author and publisher

     In the aboutFLR.com poll of women asking "What is his highest need from your relationship?" women felt their men needed connection 29% , control 42% , and intimacy 28% . Although men tend to get into FLR because they are aroused by the fantasy associated with it, the real reason, that is to say the root cause is a combination of missing ingredients in their interpersonal relationships. Men lack any substantial connection and intimacy because of their socialization training to compartmentalize. The compartmentalized man is disconnected from his feelings and in large part from any meaningful intimate relationships -- because he is just not there.

»»You learned - Men learn to compartmentalize and remain disconnected

     Men tend to go through an elaborate dance around the subject of intimacy; What I mean is they often look at the external force of control as a solution especially when force is offered by a sexy women. Many men lack good skills to become intimate, vulnerable or dependent. Men are good at their disconnection so they feel they need external help to get past that coping mechanism which is deeply engrained in them through years of social training. You'll notice in their fantasy of FLR that men are being forced by powerful women using bondage and physical punishment. This kind of attention tends to focus a woman's attention on a man and force his attention on "now". He is in the moment and his defenses/coping mechanisms are lowered. Can you see the parallels/relationships between his socialization, his desire for connection and intimacy and his FLR fantasy? His fantasy solves his need for him, he gets some outside help at doing what he does not know how to do - get connected - become intimate, vulnerable and dependent.

»»You learned - Men tend to look at extreme FLR as a solution to their problem

     So this part of his fantasy is truly him asking for help from women with something he perceives she is good at. It is also why doms are not the answer to his need. Doms are women who charge money to dominate him or porn purveyors who hire models to act like doms. There are a few doms in the world but the number is small and what he really needs they cannot give him, all they can do is indulge his fantasy. Only in caring, loving and committed relationships is the setting ready for him to get the root of his need met.

»»You learned - The fantasy of FLR cannot meet a man's need

     You all know the pyramid/hierarchy of needs described by Dr. Maslow. It is an elegant way of looking at which needs are more base and which happen when the baser needs are met. Well, right there near the bottom is the need for connection, the very thing he is asking for help with, the very thing that needs to be fulfilled before he can move on to other greater things like intimacy and self actualization. Turning him into a slave will not meet his need; seeing a prostitute or professional dom will not meet it. It takes a situation where he can connect with his loving and committed partner. This is a way women can really lead because they are ahead of most men in this issue of life. Women can help men find connection, vulnerability and intimacy by skillfully leading them and remaining committed to their man while he is learning vulnerability and dependence.

»»You learned - His problem is not solved by enslaving him

     Some of you might be saying why would that big strong man need my help? I am glad you asked. Men don't have to become slavish, whimpering subs or even feminine to make progress with connection and intimacy. The real trick is living in a stable relationship with a partner who cares. Caring partners are there for each other, don't go out of their way to harm and seek good for their relationships. Most of us want peace in our home and relationship, that is how caring partners respond (okay we are not perfect either). Your man has an issue with connection first, then intimacy; he believes he needs external help (control or force) to make progress. He can't put this to words because he is focused on the sexual aspects of FLR. You are a caring partner and in a position to help by the simple act of leadership. Apply some control and force to help him.

Here women can help men become more fulfilled by leading. Here is how you can do it

  • Disarm and distract: Although you can do this in many ways, one way that works is where he is laying on the couch with his head in your lap and you are free to touch him and talk about things. It is a nurturing tactic, stroking his head. He is showing some vulnerability just being there and you are showing leadership. BTW try not to psychoanalyze, that will backfire.
  • Use sexual tension: Teasing and sexual denial play a role in his fantasy, they also set the stage for his renewed cooperation to try things he was not willing to before his testosterone level was high. Each day you both practice this together you'll notice he is more eager to please. Wait 5 days then disarm and distract him in some way while you talk.
  • Practice together: Admittedly many women are not really practiced at intimacy either so practice together where you both know that you want greater connection, vulnerability dependency and ultimately intimacy. People keep secrets and that is okay, what you are trying to do is change his (and perhaps your) socialization towards connection.
  • Use "the power play": When you meet resistance use force. It is his fantasy for you to be powerful and in this way you already are. A power play is you forcing the issue by making a demand on him and doling out a consequence. Sometimes we call those ultimatums. But that is not the kind we want. This power play is a win win. Reinforce what you want for him and you and offer a reward for cooperation, a reward only you can give. Withhold the reward upon resistance. Don't give in.
»» Do you live near Melbourne Australia? ««
'My wife and I want to connect with other couples currently engaged in a Female-led relationship, who live in Melbourne, Australia. We wish to start a program of regular munches/meetups and establish a local support network' Please make contact if interested: Kate and Christian Mitchell
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Women were asked
I like the thought of punishing him?
28% 14% 58%
In Some Ways No Yes

*on-going poll requested of women

86% of women like the idea of punishment in their relationships. The trick is being comfortable with your choices and responsible to your core values in doing it.

Women were asked
The thought of commanding him?
20% 77% 3%
Interesting It`s Hot Yuck

*on-going poll requested of women

Women overwhelmingly like the idea of commanding their men. 97% of those polled were positive about it.

Cross Reference - Additional Resources
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