In the aboutFLR.com poll of women asking "What is his highest need from your relationship?" women felt their men needed connection 29% , control 43% , and intimacy 28% . Although men tend to get into FLR because they are aroused by the fantasy associated with it, the real reason, that is to say the root cause is a combination of missing ingredients in their interpersonal relationships. Men lack any substantial connection and intimacy because of their socialization training to compartmentalize. The compartmentalized man is disconnected from his feelings and in large part from any meaningful intimate relationships -- because he is just not there.
»»You learned - Men learn to compartmentalize and remain disconnected
Men tend to go through an elaborate dance around the subject of intimacy; What I mean is they often look at the external force of control as a solution especially when force is offered by a sexy women. Many men lack good skills to become intimate, vulnerable or dependent. Men are good at their disconnection so they feel they need external help to get past that coping mechanism which is deeply engrained in them through years of social training. You'll notice in their fantasy of FLR that men are being forced by powerful women using bondage and physical punishment. This kind of attention tends to focus a woman's attention on a man and force his attention on "now". He is in the moment and his defenses/coping mechanisms are lowered. Can you see the parallels/relationships between his socialization, his desire for connection and intimacy and his FLR fantasy? His fantasy solves his need for him, he gets some outside help at doing what he does not know how to do - get connected - become intimate, vulnerable and dependent.
»»You learned - Men tend to look at extreme FLR as a solution to their problem
So this part of his fantasy is truly him asking for help from women with something he perceives she is good at. It is also why doms are not the answer to his need. Doms are women who charge money to dominate him or porn purveyors who hire models to act like doms. There are a few doms in the world but the number is small and what he really needs they cannot give him, all they can do is indulge his fantasy. Only in caring, loving and committed relationships is the setting ready for him to get the root of his need met.
»»You learned - The fantasy of FLR cannot meet a man's need
You all know the pyramid/hierarchy of needs described by Dr. Maslow. It is an elegant way of looking at which needs are more base and which happen when the baser needs are met. Well, right there near the bottom is the need for connection, the very thing he is asking for help with, the very thing that needs to be fulfilled before he can move on to other greater things like intimacy and self actualization. Turning him into a slave will not meet his need; seeing a prostitute or professional dom will not meet it. It takes a situation where he can connect with his loving and committed partner. This is a way women can really lead because they are ahead of most men in this issue of life. Women can help men find connection, vulnerability and intimacy by skillfully leading them and remaining committed to their man while he is learning vulnerability and dependence.
»»You learned - His problem is not solved by enslaving him
Some of you might be saying why would that big strong man need my help? I am glad you asked. Men don't have to become slavish, whimpering subs or even feminine to make progress with connection and intimacy. The real trick is living in a stable relationship with a partner who cares. Caring partners are there for each other, don't go out of their way to harm and seek good for their relationships. Most of us want peace in our home and relationship, that is how caring partners respond (okay we are not perfect either). Your man has an issue with connection first, then intimacy; he believes he needs external help (control or force) to make progress. He can't put this to words because he is focused on the sexual aspects of FLR. You are a caring partner and in a position to help by the simple act of leadership. Apply some control and force to help him.
The 5 Food Groups In depth
|Women were asked|
|I like the thought of punishing him?|
|In Some Ways||No||Yes|
86% of women like the idea of punishment in their relationships. The trick is being comfortable with your choices and responsible to your core values in doing it.
|Women were asked|
|The thought of commanding him?|
Women overwhelmingly like the idea of commanding their men. 97% of those polled were positive about it.
|Cross Reference - Additional Resources|