Where am I in this great experiment? Is my view of our relationship different from my mates? Does it matter? For purposes of this article I will date my experience "before aboutFLR.com" and "after reading aboutFLR.com." I am comparing the two so you can see how this site has affected me and my understanding of me, my mate, and Female Led Relationships (FLR).
In an effort to understand where I am and have been with Female Lead Relationship; I asked myself where I am in this great experiment. What do I believe I have done right or wrong? If there are things that I have done wrong, is there a remedy or must I simply live with the mistake? Is there any point in going further? If there is a purpose in going forward, what might work better? The purpose of writing this paper is therapy for me and might help other men and women by learning from my experience.
After reading aboutFLR.com, my past was probably not such a wonderful world, not based in reality and yet filled with my hopes dreams and aspirations. Looking back, dissatisfaction, boredom and a need for real information drove me to search and find aboutFLR.com, and for what I defined for the first time then as FLR. (That sounds like a advertisement, but I would guess I am not so alone in that statement.)
I consider myself lucky in that I participated in the pilot project. One of the mentors opened my eyes to the effects of my "years and years of pornographic consumption". Like anyone who has studied a twelve step program I learned the first step is "recognition". I believe that recognizing, the difference between fantasy and reality, is the one factor which distinguishes aboutFLR.com from so many other sites and blogs; this distinction keeps me thinking about sustainable FLR as opposed to FLR dark or something else. I learned that once recognition of the differences between FLR Dark and Sustainable FLR is achieved, I could move towards acknowledgement. I acknowledge that what I seek is not "kinky sex," instead it is connection with my mate. Intimacy is in fact my goal. I now seek the ability to speak her "Love Language" and to master that tongue.
After reading aboutFLR.com I found my attempts at FLR was not utopia; they were full of friction; tension, hurt feeling; mostly founded on misunderstanding I think. Years of pornographic consumption had not only affected me they had left an indelible foot print on my mate. When I told her I want her to be in control of the five food groups and defined the five food groups and followed the introductory guide to introducing your mate to FLR, as best I could, she still did not understand and resisted the change. I believe that this is where I am today. She did/does not understand and as a result I am in an undefined state of relationship. Basically a nebula; amorphous; pretty colored but it edges growing and interior shrinking and confusing for us the participants.
Do I believe that my mate’s view of our relationship in much different that my own. In a word...yes! I am not sure how she views our relationship (confusing), but I can tell you that based upon her words to me, "you are the boss", "everything is yours", she does not believe that we are in an FLR. Does this matter, when I allege the reality is that we are in an unspoken FLR? Yes it does matter, if for no more reason than my mate does not get to enjoy her leadership role.
I failed... so far. Maybe my failure is not permanent, but my initial try was not a full success. In order to examine my failures I believe that I must first examine my successes. My greatest success is that I helped convince my mate that we would thrive as a family if she went back to school. This success was achieved but not without problems. In other words I made mistakes but I overall I tried to support her because she was going to school.
One mistake I made was over-promising my abilities, my energy and my support. Over-promising led to failure of trust. OK I trust you to... (of all thing)..."do all the laundry... child to mother... do you know where my... mother to child... I don't with disappointment... my mate to me... I trusted you and that is what happens???" What happens next was a lack of trust in a much more important area -- my inability to delegate the food group.
Another big mistake I made was taking me and the FLR way to seriously. What in the world was I thinking? Did I win the heart of my mate by being serious? Well that cannot be answered in a single line but overall playfulness, not seriousness, was my calling card. I would have been better off being my smartass self than someone I was not. The remedy for these mistakes in my opinion will be time and truth. Back off, let wounds heal, but do not be idle.
The world before aboutFLR.com was a wonderful world of fantasy hopes dreams aspirations all based upon years of pornographic consumption. It is the old story of "I knew I liked tie um up" from my adolescence. I have been at this so long I knew all the keywords, it was defined as S and M, then B and D, BDSM, safe, sane and consensual, and so on and so forth throughout the years. First it was magazines and $.25 video booths, later scholarly books written by experts in the field and then it was the internet. All any person could consume and more, from the scholarly to what I may call "grotesques." All of which was sucked up eagerly; and yet as I know today, it was unfulfilling -- so it was abandoned.
The 5 Food Groups In depth
|Women were asked|
|I like the thought of changing him?|
|In Some Ways||No||Yes|
89% of women like the idea of changing or helping their men change in some want. Women in female led relationship are empowering themselves to bring about change in their men.
|Women were asked|
|I want FLR benefits?|
Women overwhelmingly want FLR benefits for themselves and their men. 1% of those polled did not want benefits. Clearly women favor leading in personal relationships.