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One beef about FLR on forums is the desire by women for a 50/50 relationship. Women have stated they want co-ownership of decisions. Yet these men in FLR want you to make the decision. Why don't women feel comfortable being in a commanding role? Is there a way to command and also have joint decisions.
Author: 2010-12-10 18:00:15 [reply]
Speaking for myself, I think that women are taught it isn't attractive to speak their minds, or to be in control of things. If they are assertive they are considered bossy, bitchy, too strong, etc. In most relationships and work places a woman who is in control and speaks her mind is not well liked. So to be asked to be in charge at home feels a little risky...what if he doesn't like it and then you are left with nothing.
Author: 2011-01-01 16:15:16 [reply]
After the events of this week Group I query: A democratic relationship, where both parties to a relationship have to decide everything, is difficult because in nearly every decision one party is left unsatisfied. For example; “What/Where do you want to eat tonight?” Unless by chance you both happen to say the same thing then one party is going to be dissatisfied. The FLR to me seems the perfect solution, but is it? In an FLR, if we don’t say the same thing she gets to decide. I get to have input in the decision, level dependant, and if my choice is not selected I get the benefit of doing what she wants. In a non FLR the final decision rests with typically the male and she “has” to do it whether she want. (For me, the result is, I tend to pick her choice which in the overall scheme of things leaves me dissatisfied.) I note that as the decisions increase in importantance the more chance of deeper dissatisfaction, confusion, if children are involved confusion for them, and unsatisfactory results etc. Is the answer the more acquiescent partner “never” (not as an absolute) gets to decide? Is the answer the partner who enjoys following “never” gets to decide? For women the second question, to me, begs the question of society influence. Does she really enjoy following or is it just expected. Obviously couples deal with this issue and resolve it every day. I know that I am speaking to a crowd that mostly favors FRL’s. I guess what I am trying to understand is the rationale behind abdicating the decision responsibility. Searching gat1207
Author: 2011-05-05 13:42:21 [reply]
Gat1207 Someone need to manage things, it is either you or her or some combination of both
Reply by: 2011-05-06 21:50:16 [reply]
Guest Guest Thank you for your answer. Can you take it further? It looks like the new data will show; “Despite the name 'female led relationship', 'wife led relationship' or 'girlfriend led relationship'; it is in fact men who are leading FLR as we know it today. We believe men want FLR "for real" but they can't seem to let go and women don`t seem to be picking up the mantel.” “Someone needs to manage things…” Yes and without alternative, I cannot shrink from the responsibility. I cannot be afraid, or nervous, or feeling. If someone gets their feelings hurt or if there is dissatisfaction well, I took all factors (right, wrong and otherwise and made the best decision I could think of) into account and well, someone needs to manage things. Managing things can be a cold and scary place. Is that why I seek a FLR? No, I will be cold and scary if need be but I want feelings, connection, intimacy, I have the need to surrender to her will and direction. A better alternative exists. Maybe women are too smart to be in control after all they seek connection and intimacy in relationships and as leader sometimes these things get stepped on. Today bitter gat1207
Reply by: 2011-05-09 10:41:20
Gat1207 On the femdom101 blog, there are some stories of marriages that were planned as FLR from the start. These include the blogger's daughter, another couple, and possibly others. The other couple held a private FLR ritual with the bride, groom, and bridesmaids after the wedding ceremony. All the college friends of the couple knew the nature of the relationship. The parents only noticed that the man followed the woman's lead on all matters but thought of him as being polite. You might consider doing crosstabulations of the surveys by age to see if that is significant.
Reply by: 2011-05-09 19:40:18 [reply]
Nerd I am not sure were you are going. Is age a factor in femdom? That is not really my question. I was speaking about FLR. I would guess that age is a factor in FLR in that leadership skills and confidence typically more fully develop with age. Thank you gat1207
Reply by: 2011-05-10 08:22:13
Gat1207 Regardless of its name, femdom101 is an FLR blog. You say that "women don`t seem to be picking up the mantel." On femdom101 there are discussions of marriages in which the women had the mantle on from courtship and the couples married with the full intent of having an FLR. The couples were younger than the blogger (Kathy) and her husband (John). My suggestion is that younger women nowadays may take control of their relationships much more easily and naturally than older women. There seem to be young couples nowadays entering marriage with the full understanding that the wife will be the head of household and primary decision maker and that the husband will be the obedient spouse.
Reply by: 2011-05-10 08:58:50
Nerd I have never met an older women.(smiles) I am no expert but as society's norms move, I beleive that the possibility of loving FLR increases. I can see your point about younger couples. gat1207
Reply by: 2011-05-10 10:09:33
Nerd As a second note I cannot take credit for the statement:"Women don`t seem to be picking up the mantel." Please see 70000 questions answered on the home page of this site gat1207
Reply by: 2011-05-10 10:17:29
Gat1207 I looked at that article. Some findings correlate with what I see on the blogs and others don't seem to. I've previously stated that observing the blogs and other related sites, there are four ways women get into FLR's: (1) husband/boyfriend asks, (2) she grows up in an FLR household and learns from her mother, (3) she is naturally dominant and an FLR comes naturally, and (4) her husband misbehaves and she takes control to save the marriage. The story of femdom101 is that Kathy discovered that John had been seeing a professional dominatrix, took lessons from the dominatrix, and allowed him back under an FLR to save her marriage. She has an FLR support group of other women (differing from a finding in the article) and sometimes discusses their situations on the blog.
Reply by: 2011-05-10 15:26:40
Gat1207 One way to prevent anyone in a FLR relationship not be/get disappointed is to come to an agreement where the leader of the relationship tells her partner we will eat this at that place tonight then the next time we go out to eat you get to choose what and where we eat. I just used going out to eat as 1 example but it could work in any area of the relationship!
Reply by: 2015-11-17 18:45:41 [reply]
Vicky said "I want us to decide together" to me today and I am glad to decide together in big things. It makes me feel better. I know this is not a democracy we are in because it gets better participation.
Author: 2011-09-20 21:51:39 [reply]
I think most couples want both partners to decide together, it should be smarter because you've talked it over and it should be easer to live with because you both made the decision. Not everything need to be decided together through. But big things, defiantly!
Author: 2012-10-26 09:14:12 [reply]