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Managing the budget - Issues in female led relationships

Discussing Issues in Female Led Relationships

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Control of money is real power, or so it was until the 60s when the world began to change and courts started recognizing that control put women at a disadvantage in separation. How do you intend to handle money in your relationship? What are the stress points?
Author: Admin 2010-12-10 18:01:13    [reply]
Admin hi in my flr i had a joint a/c where my salery is paid into. my wife has now decided that i am to come of the a/c giving her complete control.she has agreed to give me an allowance but she hasn't set an amount yet. I have told her I fully surport her idea.
Reply by: Guest 2012-02-09 06:07:46    [reply]
One issue with finances is sanity. If your wife dies or is incapacitated, you will may need access to these funds, and getting a hold of an attorney quickly could be problematic. This is even more important if children are present. Sanity dictates that both spouses should have legal control of funds. There are always transaction logs to show what was done. And, after all, if you can't trust yourself to be honest, you should fix that before attempting to give control over anyway. You wife is the dominant partner in a relationship, not a jailer.
Author: Guest 2012-04-27 04:09:51    [reply]
Hi, this is my first post on this site. I sincerely hope I have posted this in the correct area and that I am following all forum guidelines correctly. If this is not the case, I apologise and hope you can direct me to the correct area/forum on this site. Now onto my actual post. After being separated for some time, my wife and I decided to try and repair our marriage. This is still a work in progress, but is moving along. When we separated, my wife had a few major reasons. The important ones, especially in the context of this site being my attitude and behaviour (Not helping with housework, being lazy and taking her for granted to name a few) and spending money on a whim and or on things that she regarded as wasteful. In rebuilding our relationship, we have actually developed into very similar ideas that I have now found on this site. We are currently in the process of deciding about how finances should be handled. We have both agreed that our incomes are to go into her personal bank account. We did try this once already, but without any form of agreement in place and therefore she would end up transferring most money back to me for my personal use. We wish to try this again, but this time with an agreement in place. I wrote a first draft of a possible agreement yesterday and my wife seems to think it is pretty good. I would really appreciate some feedback and or suggestions on what I have written. I would also love some feedback on ideas of what form of punishment/retribution should happen if certain rules are broken (ones that don't include corpral punishment or sex/chastity. There are good reasons behind this which unless someone is interested I won't go into as this post is already way to long) . Here is our proposed agreement so far (this is cut and pasted from word and once again, if this is not appropriate to post here I apologise) Financial agreement between Jane Doe and John Doe This document is to serve the purpose of defining the agreed upon proposal between Jane Doe and John Doe in regards to both financial income and expenditure. This agreement is entered into by both John and Jane on the ___Day of the ______ month in the year ______. The purpose of having this agreement is such that if there should be any questions or disagreements raised by either Jane or John, then this document will be referred to. I. It is the opinion of both John and Jane that Jane should control any and all finances. It is agreed as such that as Jane is believed by both parties to be superior in control of finances and that this area should be completely in her control. II. As such, John hereafter agrees that any income and or future salary should always be paid direct to Jane. III. Any income shall be paid into Jane’s personal bank account of which John shall has no access. IV. All monies received by John are to be considered the sole property of Jane. As such, John shall not make any complaint or protest that he wants his money. It is agreed that it is better for the relationship that all finances belong to Jane. V. As such, any purchases that may be made are at the sole discretion of Jane. VI. Should a major purchase arise, it is agreed that both John and Jane should discuss this, although the final decision still remains with Jane. VII. It is agreed by both parties that John should have access to some funds (herein to be called Pocket Money) although the frequency and amount of pocket is always up to Jane. VIII. For initial purposes the amount agreed upon for John’s pocket money shall be $50 per week. It is also agreed that this amount may change in the future either by increase or decrease. This decision once again is completely up to Jane. IX. Spending of pocket money a. It is agreed from henceforth that pocket money received by John should only be spent in ways decided purely by Jane. b. For the initial agreement, it is decided that pocket money should only be spent on required everyday items. c. Such items as per the initial agreement consist mainly of food and drink items, other items that may require immediate purchase with consulting Jane are also included. Items such as medicines or toiletries are included in this category, providing they are essential and needed immediately. It is also acceptable that John may decide to save money from his pocket money for any gifts for Jane. d. There must also be rules enforced upon items that John cannot purchase with his pocket money. These rules are in place to stop any money being wasted. These include the following. i. Any form of tobacco such as cigarettes or cigars. ii. Any use of pocket money for the purpose of gambling. iv. Purchase of extra mobile phone credit. (it is to be decided by Jane how much money is to be allocated weekly for mobile credit and internet usage) the only exception to this shall be if credit is needed to make calls or send messages and John is unable to communicate with Jane. v. Purchase of alcoholic beverages is permissible, however if such purchase is made, John acknowledges that he made the decision to buy this and that under no circumstance may he ask for extra pocket money due to this purchase. vi. If John should spend all his pocket money before the week has ended, this is his choice and no more money shall be given except in the case of an emergency. e. Should any of the above rules be broken, then there shall be retribution by Jane. This is to be decided by her and John is to receive any punishment without complaint or protest. X. How purchasing will work. Should John wish to purchase an item he will always ask Jane if he can be allowed to purchase. Jane will have the right to say yes or no in any purchase, this is expressly to be enforced even if John continues to ask. It is acceptable for some items that John may ask a second time if he can provide a very good reason. Should a request be denied is to be completely unacceptable for John to continues to ask or pressure Jane. Should this happen, once again retribution is to be expected and up to Jane. This includes both requests in person or via cell phone. John understands that this is very important, and if in person that Jane is not responsible for any embarrassment that John may feel should the conversation be overheard. XI. As this is a new arrangement, both John and Jo agree to review the arrangement and make any changes that may be necessary. The first review shall be one week from the first salary payment to Jane’s account. Following this the shall be a review at 1 month, 3month, 6 month and 12 month marks. Only during this review may John object or suggest changes. It is to be agreed that at any other time John may not argue with or change this agreement. Signed Jane Doe John Doe Signed together on the following date __/__/____ Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Author: Chrisg001 2015-02-24 20:52:33    [reply]
Chrisg001 Chris, it looks like a legal document not a life agreement, perhaps you could tone down the legaleze a bit and put more affirming ideas in it like what you plan to accomplish in a positive way. How it helps you, how it helps her; how it will make things better. The logical punishment for you is to take away your money or a combination of loss of free time and removal of privileges. Exercise is also good punishment because it takes away from your free time. Remember to add rewards for doing well and they could be nothing more that affirming words form your wife. What does she get when you are bad and what does she get when you are good. Just my thoughts
Reply by: Randell 2015-02-26 14:59:15    [reply]
Randell Hi, thanks for you reply. I apologise for the length of the post and appreciate your reply. I think the use of legaleze as such is both due to inexperience in writing this kind of thing and and attempt to make it sound formal. We have made a few more possible changes since I posted this. Surprisingly My wife actually likes how formal it sounds, but I get your point though. Reduction or Loss of pocket money is the one thought that my wife has also had. I like the exercise idea, I already try to maintain a healthy lifestyle, but there would be something to the idea of something like forced runs etc. Not something I would enjoy, and also beneficial too. I also agree that there could be more written in about possible rewards, although the idea that started us on this financial path was that by doing this we would be able to build up savings etc. So as such there is a reward in having money for holidays together and so on. It is still something that we both think could be helpful, the whole idea started as a mutual one that money should not be wasted and she is better at this than me, she is keen to try it asap, i'm still deciding if I am really willing to try this properly, as in there is no point in deciding to do this, only to cancel the whole thing completely after a week because I've changed my mind. Thanks for your advice Randell, I appreciate it. I did a lot of searching online for examples of agreements similar to what we were after for insperation, but most of what I found (not on this site) all included things about cuckholding and sissy stuff and so on. And of course, corporal punishment which I see as unhelpful as even if she did this I would actually enjoy it and therefore the whole thing would turn into me purposely doing things for that purpose. Thanks Again Chris
Reply by: Chrisg001 2015-03-06 08:09:07    
Randell BTW, Having made changes and now with yours and others suggestions come more changes. Is there somewhere more appropriate where I could share this and get feedback and suggestions? I don't wanna post more insanely long posts? Thanks Chris
Reply by: Chrisg001 2015-03-06 08:21:15    
Chrisg001 OMG this is long - use less words, what will you do if she leaves you?
Reply by: Sally Anne 2015-02-26 17:21:54    [reply]
Sally Anne Thanks Sally, I agree it is a little long, I need to try and condense some things into the singletary statements I think. As far as the issue of possible future separation, in further revising of this agreement it is made more obvious at the beginning that this is not a actual binding legal agreement but an agreement between my wife and I to be referred back to when needed, As it's not actually a legal document designed by a lawyer etc, there would be nothing actually stopping me from changing pay back into my own accounts, changing passwords and so on. The only issue would be possible assets if they were only in her name, I hadn't though about this too much as currently we don't really own any major items (house or cars etc) but I see how that could be an issue. Thanks again for your reply, I will see what changes I could make to prevent issues if something like separation were to happen.
Reply by: Chrisg001 2015-03-06 08:17:58    
Chrisg001 Chris this is a great discussion thanks for starting it, I`ll weight in with my PhD with these ideas. After sex, finances is the number 2 subject for married stress. Most people just make a budget and try to stick to it; my guess is you are looking for 3 things. 1) to clean up your relationship (reduce stress/confrontation - you want her to like your behavior better), 2) to find some way to help you get the strength of your wife to help you make better choices (behavior modification), and 3) to empower your wife -- all good things. If I have missed the mark let me know? You are right that rules make life more predictable and the more rules are defined the better that becomes. Try something like: see next post.
Reply by: Prickly Pear 2015-03-06 12:24:53    [reply]
Prickly Pear Hi, thanks for your reply. You've pretty much got the reasons spot in in regards to the reason that we are heading down this path. Something that may be of interest is that we are getting back together after a period of separation, one of the big issues that led to the separation before was in regards to money and how it was spent etc. My wife wants to be sure that this wont happen again and in her words "this would help a lot" for both her fears and for our finances in general. I like the example that you have given in your next post, and can see some ways to tailor it slightly more to our specific situation. Thanks again for the reply, Chris
Reply by: Chrisg001 2015-03-06 19:28:27    
Chrisg001 I ____(husband) want to affirm my love for _____ and empower her as my mate; by changing my behaviors and mannerisms that cause stress in our relationships. Starting today _____ I am turning my check over to my wife and she is agreeing to grant me back an allowance for spending (all normal in many relationships). My wife wants me not to spend on a____ b____ and c____ as these cause stress and I agree with her. I am asking for her to help because I want her love and respect and a relationship with as little stress as possible. I _____(wife) want to affirm my love and respect for my husband and assure him that surrendering control of finances to me will reduce stress. I agree to monitor his spending and offer correction/discipline to him when he spends in areas I have asked him to avoid. --- write the remediation here (what to do when you blow it) --- and both sign "in loving regard to my wife/husband" at the bottom in free hand.
Reply by: Prickly Pear 2015-03-06 12:26:24    [reply]
Chrisg001 My thoughts on remediation -- talk to your wife; if you need her strength in this area then figure out how she feels about punishment. I personally like physical punishment when corrective action does not work. but decide together if what you are really looking for is intimate focus time (see below**); if that is the case experiment together in many ways with focus time where she is providing close personal intimate attention with you so you get fulfillment in life and that part of the mystery of men in your relationship is revealed. This focus time almost always comes down to your nakedness (which described vulnerability), her affection and attention for you as a woman of respect and power (empowered), your humbling yourself to her (positionally and in your heart), and your affirming her as beloved and a woman of worth and power (which is good for you both).

(** Intimate focus time -- the kind of focus spankings provides but spanking sometimes mask the root cause -- many men need this focus time from women not from spankings - also not to be confused with mothering - but an ardent statement of respect and admiration for your woman because you are often confusing her for a sex object or "the weaker sex" and want to change your mind about that)


Reply by: Prickly Pear 2015-03-06 12:48:05    [reply]
I like that you use Roman numerals. Too long though. Agreements should be wordsmithed to be short but only used to collect your thoughts and then as a discussion tool with your mate. Then they should be put in the fireplace.
Author: Motleyfoool 2015-02-28 10:44:01    [reply]
Motleyfoool Thanks for your reply, part of the reason we are thinking of having an agreement like this is so if there is an argument about spending money, it can then be referred back to clarify what we have both agreed on.
Reply by: Chrisg001 2015-03-06 08:19:46    [reply]

 

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