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How do those in FLR sustain a healthy relationship for both? or do they?
Author: 2010-12-12 15:14:23 [reply]
sustain a healthy relationship
Healthy relationships are healthy because both parties get something they need from it. She may need/want to lead and get a need met by it and he likely gets fulfillment in areas he could not get any other way.
Reply by: 2010-12-29 17:18:34 [reply]
Agreed. I am in a new FLR and right now I am loving it. So is my husband. I am getting my needs met that I felt were getting ignored before. I stay home and that can feel pretty sucky and unimportant after a while. Before we started the FLR I felt like I was the last person in the relationship to get anything at the end of the day. Now I am my husband's number one priority. I always was, but it sure as heck didn't feel that way most days. My husband is getting what he wants too. He is getting a happy wife, an easy relationship and he also says he feels like he is getting the load taken off of his shoulder.
Author: 2011-01-01 15:50:49 [reply]
JustWondering hi. your relationship sounds much like mine, only we have now entered marriage counseling. was the FLR his idea or yours?..i want to approach this with my wife and feel she would approve but am of course scared right now to approach the subject. any ideas you have would be tremendously appreciated. would appreciate ANY help u have to get us moving in this direction. Thanks!!
Reply by: 2016-01-18 09:33:28 [reply]
My husband and I have been in a "engagement" period for an FLM for about a year now. I think our relationship is stronger and healthier than ever before (we have been married over 10 years but less than 20). We communicate about our needs and desires more than before and we are a lot more focused on each other.
Author: 2011-01-02 20:27:28 [reply]
Hi everyone! Although I am not an active participant in FLR I still find it fascinating. Perhaps it is not of interest to me because my husband would never go for that. We live a more traditional life where I stay at home with the baby and work part-time and my husband works, pays all the bills etc. I bet many women would be interested in a FLR but they are in a relationship or marriage that is set in stone. I am also willing to guess that it may be difficult to have a FLR when there are children in the home. I'm not sure what a glance into a FLR home would look like exactly (only from what I have read) but I personally wouldn't want to portray those roles on my son. That is at the extreme levels anyway and most certainly not a level 4. I would be interested to hear about those in a FLR who do have children and how that all works. If my husband was into it, that would be a concern that needs addressing.
For me, I was raised with a traditional family which is why I have no problem the ways things are run in my home. My mom stayed at home and dad worked. I think many women feel that way. I also think that many women would be embarrassed by a FLR. Of course they wouldn't need to tell anyone but because it is so different from the 'norm', just as men in FLR show embarrassment, women would as well. I also wouldn't want a FLR on higher levels because I simply don't want the stress of paying bills (which can be very stressful) and making all the decisions. I am a 'go with the flow' type of person (which is why I would be open to FLR) but would be a terrible manager. I have tried it in a business setting and I don't like being in control of the responsibilities, telling people what to do, etc. Women's personalities, I'm certain, also play a big role in not wanted a FLR. Same goes with their level of self esteem. I will admit I don't have much so I would not be confident in many of the 5 food groups.
Author: 2011-01-03 15:30:44 [reply]
I am intrigued with the idea of a FLR, but I'm pretty sure most women out there could not participate in a FLR whole-heartedly. I think there is a small percentage who can contribute to a degree, in the early stages, but most will not entertain it further, or at all. Call it- fear of the unknown, going against the grain or even taboo.
I believe the biggest obstacle holding women back from a FLR are societal norms and the dogma that comes with a heterosexual relationship. Our culture portrays men as being strong, masculine and in control or in charge. A FLR depicts the male as submissive and weak. In the FLR, the male is leaning toward the feminine/feeble side, which can stir up emotions or insecurities if the woman is not secure with herself.
My marriage is traditional, but I would adventure to try this in the early stages, for sure! I think all women should indulge in this somewhat, heck, after all of the oppression women have gone through, it's about time the tide has turned!
Author: 2011-01-03 21:43:12 [reply]
My marriage is based on the Christian ideal where the male leads the household. It's interesting, because we're not religious. We both grew up in a male-dominated society and fell into our marital roles naturally. Even though I consider my husband the leader of our family, we share responsibility for solving our problems, whether they're financial, sexual or emotional. Like others who have posted on this thread, I shudder at the thought of managing our marriage. I don't want its entire responsibility on my shoulders.
However, my aversion to responsibility does not mean I don't crave a certain amount of control. At times, I enjoy that surge of aggression and power that a female-led sexual experience provides. When I'm forceful sexually, I notice a connection between my outer and inner strength in a way that doesn't happen during my daily routine. It's odd, but commanding my husband during the sexual act plugs me back into the earth and back into my self.
Author: 2011-01-04 13:32:00 [reply]
Liz There is an interesting new posting by Kathy of the femdom101 blog. She states that many men are submissive, and when that becomes clear in a marriage it is the wife's religious obligation to take control and authority in the marriage and the husband's duty to give her "complete and unquestioned obedience." Once he pledges obedience, any act of "disrespect, infidelity, or disobedience" on his part is both an offense against her and a sin. She has has "both a right and a duty to discipline her man as she sees fit." Her FLR is a strong Level 3, and it started after she discovered her husband had been seeing a professional dominatrix.
Reply by: 2011-03-09 07:34:12 [reply]
Personally I don't see a FLR man as weak, anymore that I would see a housewife as weak. I just like the idea of a man being calm, kind, nurturing and beautiful; not snappy and stressed out, like the stereotypical male business executive, and always trying to prove how macho he is.
Author: 2011-01-31 11:23:53 [reply]
Goldenmuse I like this perspective very much and I think it is very helpful. FLR for men is not weakness but a strength in serving one you love with a peaceful demeanor.
Reply by: 2012-08-15 14:34:08 [reply]
Interesting perspective on gender roles and relationship happiness. "We use nasty words for men controlled by women. `Henpecked' is the nicest of them. There are no nasty terms for women controlled by their husbands. If a man can decide whether to help with housework, he's in control. Women aren't in control of it, they're left to do it. The key thing is," ...... "collectively, we're not very happy; things are not working very well. ... There's a lot of awareness of the grinding effects of inequality on both women and men.Study Of Patriarchy Helps Unravel The Gender Knot
Author: 2011-01-31 22:03:08 [reply]
Randell henpecked: dominated, subjugated, browbeaten, subject, bullied, timid, cringing, meek, treated like dirt, led by the nose, tied to someone's apron strings, pussy-whipped (taboo slang) The henpecked husband yielded to her demands. The dictionary is full of them - but I could not find one for women dominated by men.
Reply by: 2011-01-31 22:12:13 [reply]
About a week ago, I told my wife that I wanted her to be the boss. Her first reaction was 'good choice', and the next day I 'accidentally' found this site and took her through the questions. From that it emerged that she wanted a strong Level 2 relationship in charge of the five food groups, but she also confessed to thinking it wrong, and she made clear that she did not want to be a mistress in the 'dark side' sense. As she backed off, things started to break down, until a couple of days ago she put the ultimatum to me that she was not only in charge of the sex but also the finances. I gave way immediately. Suddenly, we are far closer, far more relaxed, she's not too demanding about the chores, but I have made clear that I will obey her and that she has the final decision in all things. I've never been one for visual porn; however, I was brought up in a broadly female oriented household (mother, sisters, grandmother, and father often away). I'm very happy with a strong Level 2, and I find her authority deeply erotic.
Author: 2011-05-16 07:38:46 [reply]
I have been reading many comments and messages from men who want extreme s/m from their FLR relationship. These men want direct communication with the women on our website without earning the right or showing they are ready. Most men writing about it are obsessed with the kink. Well to each his own but it is not likely a sustainable way to have an FLR and most women won't be interested. I'd venture a guess that the intense focus indicative of s/m needed by these men could be satisfied in many ways without violence.
Author: 2011-10-09 16:58:52 [reply]
Randell What I don't understand is why can't people separate the idea of kinky sex from an FLR. Lot's of people have kinky sex of all sorts. That's fine. But 24/7 kinky doesn't translate into sustainable lifestyle. Why not work out the FLR during big picture relationship time and the kinky sex during the kinky sex time. One is not required to have the other.
Reply by: 2012-05-12 11:56:07 [reply]
Randell I think we're on the right track here. The problem starts when kinky fantasies starts to define what the relationship should be about, and as a consequence creates unhealthy expectations. When you have a relationship based on solid FLR principles first and foremost, then you can, if you want, add some kink for fun. This is much less threatening, and something, that not so few are open for.
Reply by: 2012-05-18 10:05:02 [reply]
There is a recent posting on femalefuture.blogspot.com commenting on a New York Times article about an emerging trend among teenagers. Older girls are dating younger boys. The girls control the relationships because they are more advanced at school (e.g., seniors versus sophomores) and have their drivers licenses. They are able to train the boys in behaviors they desire. The trend is advancing into college where junior women are dating freshmen. They discuss "grabbing off" the men before they are "corrupted" by other men, such as in fraternities. As this trend advances into young adulthood, it will undoubtedly lead to sustainable FLRs. The only question is the extent to which recognition of this trend will lead to a broader and more open acceptance of FLRs and a greater understanding by young girls and college women of the possible directions in which they can lead these relationships.
Author: 2012-06-02 06:35:30 [reply]
More "traditional" marriages are female led than most people recognize or admit. I hear men joke all the time when their wives call on the phone, "Oh, I better take this call. It's the 'boss' and I need to see what she wants." I know lots of "traditional" marriages where the man makes most of the decisions but is vetoed by the wife more than half of the time. Women make most of the home decorating decisions, childcare and schooling decisions, weekend family activity decisions. There are women who use sex and access to their bodies to get what they want in marriage. It may be covert but it happens a lot. I know most married men check with their wives before making plans after work or for weekends. This is particularly true if they have young children and the woman is a stay-at-home-mom. He calls to say he wants to do something that evening or weekend and the wife will notify him of PTA meetings, school recitals or sports or dance events that take priority. There are more of those than people acknowledge. In the female led relationship, these things are just stated up front, often the same dynamic that is already happening in so called "traditional" relationships.
Author: 2012-09-25 11:54:06 [reply]
Openeys22 I think you are absolutely right. A few weeks ago at work a few of the other guys at work were joking about who wears the pants in their marriages. I overheard, started thinking about it, researched and found this site. I realized I`ve been in a FLR marriage for 20 years and never even realized it. We share housework and cooking, I handle the house and car maintenance, but she has always handled the money, budgeting, and made all the decisions that Openeys22 mentioned above. And it`s always seemed comfortable and natural to us. She`s never used sex as a control thing, but it occurred to me the other day that when we have sex, she`s on top 90% of the time. Not trying to read too much into that, but hmmm. I suppose it doesnt really matter what kind of marriage you have, as long as both are satisfied.
Reply by: 2015-01-02 22:35:19 [reply]
The two key words here are "sustain" and "healthy". For me, healthy is about open communication. Sustain is about a long term commitment and developing habits that enable this by delivering real benefits for her, with his reward coming from satisfaction at his role in supporting her towards fulfillment. I need to focus more on communication (starting with full disclosure and going from there at her pace not mine) and on practical follow through.
Author: 2012-10-05 07:10:58 [reply]
Written by one of our students -- "My experience is that even the 'most equal' relationships - even when designed with that in mind - become unequal in practice. So, in reality, unequal relationships are now the norm. By understanding that, and by understanding each others key values and hot buttons, it becomes possible to create - and, more importantly, SUSTAIN - a relationship that responds to both parties, built on mutual respect and love, and based on each others strengths, weaknesses and desires (and probably some other custom-matched shared values)."
Author: 2013-01-31 17:01:38 [reply]
The best relationships come naturally and flow freely. If Jack is in a relationship with Jill, she may be the dominant one, whereas, if Jack is in a relationship with Jenny, he may be the more dominant one, simply because of how their personalities are. I have always believed that both opposites and similarities attract to form a relationship. Finding the right road to go down is often difficult. However, when the couple determines what works BEST for them, regardless of who leads, both people will be much happier. Regardless of who leads, there also has to be a final authority. Once determined who that is, the relationship is then able to reach it fullest potential.
Author: 2013-07-08 07:41:52 [reply]
As I have posted elsewhere, my FLR lasts because all we did was take the traditional male led marriage and make it a female led marriage. We did make it a sexual thing. It is just that after 41 years of my wife catering to my needs I thought it was time that I cater to hers. Not much has changed since we always jointly discussed important matters and agreed on a path to take. It is rare that we cannot come to a consensus so I have had rarely gone against my wife's wishes in 41 years. So our life goes on as usual as it should because we still have the same love and respect for each other. Switching leads did not change that. I am asked to do things and thanked afterwards. Never am I treated as a slave. My wife knows me well enough so she never asks me to do something that she knows I would find distasteful. If asked, I would say that the only big change in our relationship is that she holds my credit cards and I am on an allowance which is good because I used to spend our money as fast as I made it. Now we are able to save for our retirement in a few years. Of course if I really need something she lets me buy it. If I go out without her, she gives me a credit card in case of emergency. Our FLR is not about demonstrating her power over me. It is simply that my wife has the final decision on all matters but does not preclude me offering my advice and opinions as always. She would not make a decision on which car to buy no more than I would make the decision as to which stove to purchase. As in a company, my wife delegates responsibilities out to me in areas she knows that I am good in. She also does not do everything her way either. She is not into demonstrating her control over me or never let me have my way. Why would she? I never treated her that way when I was leading our marriage. I very often made decisions that I knew would please her and now she does the same. We are lucky because we both enjoy pleasing each other so ours is not the type of relationship that anyone looking to be dominated would like. Our sex life and my work life are not part of our FLR. My wife is free to be sexually submissive in bed and it has not effect on our non sexual life. :)
Author: 2013-11-09 22:27:09 [reply]
Guest I think your lifestyle represents a lot of us older long married and happy couples where the wife has just naturally taken over control of various "food groups". It represents a natural FLR that both partners support and enjoy.
Reply by: 2014-01-08 09:06:11 [reply]
Guest Thanks,A very encouraging blog.I am in the same marital satus and about the same time married.I have thought that my wife is not controlling enough. Like you and your wife we have had a fairly non confrontational marriage before our FLR agreement Maybe I will try not to push her to control to much or fast.
Reply by: 2015-01-04 00:40:19 [reply]
Yes FLR is erotic but at its core is the elevation of a woman who deserves to get more from her relationship because her mate is behind her 100% and she is empowered to lead.
Author: 2015-10-25 15:32:30 [reply]
It is important to have a positive and realistic image of women to ensure a healthy connection can be developed between a woman and man. A healthy connection involves emotional, intellectual and sexual elements. Men having unrealistic images of women from following the fantasy of what a Dominant woman might look, most likely from pornographic images, generally only leads to a man following the sexual element of what a woman is. Therefore he will only be focusing on his needs rather than the relationship. - edited by staff [reason: 10 pints awarded]
Author: 2018-03-26 11:24:07 [reply]