Tagged: FLR; Research; Power dynamic.
- May 14, 2021 at 2:06 am #12327
In [this article][https://theconversation.com/who-wears-the-pants-in-a-relationship-matters-especially-if-youre-a-woman-74401] by Laina Bay-Cheng, associate professor of social work at the University at Buffalo, we learn that «Who wears the pants in a relationship matters – especially if you’re a woman».
Even if the methodology of the research is not perfect (methodologies are never perfect!), it offers some very interesting perspectives on couples’ power dynamics. In particular, it found that when women feel subordinate to a male partner, they perceive the relationship as less stable and less intimate (and vice-versa). However, for men, it does not seem to matter. Men feel relationships just as stable and intimate, whether they are dominant, equal or subordinate to their female partners.
Why are the stakes and challenges of power imbalances lower for men than women? Laina Bay-Cheng explain that it is, in part, because «Relationships don’t happen in a social vacuum. A man may have less power than his girlfriend or wife, but in the world beyond their relationship, he’s cushioned by a still-intact system of male privilege. […] For men, having less power in a relationship is an exception – and usually a benign one – to the rule.»
In contrast, Bay-Cheng also mentions that «For young women – especially those who are also racially or socioeconomically marginalized – relationships in which they have less power are just yet another domain […] in which they need to guard against sexism in all its forms. Endless battling for equality and defending against mistreatment is exhausting. And for women, it does not make for warm, harmonious relationships.»
What do you think about these conclusions? Do you believe that FLR brings more stability and intimacy to relationships? Is FLR, for you, a way to give more control to a woman in this particular domain and bring some small equilibrium as compared with the imbalance in society in general? In particular, if you are a women, is improving the stability and intimacy of your relationship a reason that you are seeking FLR?
Looking forward to hearing your point of view! 🙂
May 19, 2021 at 4:13 pm #12459JohanParticipant
- This topic was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by MlleSadie.
Dear MlleSadie, and thanks for an interesting topic. I am a man but still hope it is ok for me to comment ?
I definitely feel that when the Woman is the one who has the power in a relationship, AND uses her power to guide and instruct, such a FLR opens up for intimacy and stability. I am given limits and disciplined, and that my submissiveness is a basic condition for the relationship, makes me open up – I don’t have to keep my lust to submit inside me.
I have experienced this in two longer FLR as lover to married women, and now want to live this full time 24/7/365 – what is important to me is not to have to lock anything up inside me.
But this is also based on my deep belief that Women are far more complex than males.
JohanMay 20, 2021 at 5:06 pm #12471
Thank you for your reply. Of course you are welcome to comment! 🙂
If I understand correctly, you add nuances to the research findings; In your personal experience, it’s not only the woman who feels better stability and deeper intimacy when the power imbalance is in her favor, but also the man (at least into the context of an FLR)? This makes sense. For a submissive man, FLR offers the opportunity to open up with his partner and to feel fully understood and accepted (even loved?) … which is certainly conducive to a more intimate and stable relationship.
Having said that, I’m more interested by the female perspective here. May I ask you if, during your past FLR experiences, you felt that your female partners shared these feelings as well? Do you know if the search for better stability or more intimacy was one of their motivations to continue such a relationship?
Thanks again for sharing!
Mademoiselle SadieMay 27, 2021 at 2:28 pm #12622JohanParticipant
Dear Mlle.Sadie !
Thanks for taking my comment seriously.
I don’t think I can really speak for the two Women who used me as lover and sex-slave, it never occured to me to ask. But they locked themselves in to me whenever they felt the urge and could steal away from husbands and family. It was not a 24/7 where they could enjoy weeks of relaxing with me around as servant. I always had to be available to accommodate them without notice, and I was not supposed to have other people in my home. I did feel this to make life actually simpler for me, and it seldom frustrated me not to be allowed to meet others socially. But then also I am not very rebellious, and they did disciplining me.
Yours JohanMay 27, 2021 at 5:06 pm #12627
@Johan: Agreed. Me neither, I don’t think you can really speak for the two women who used you in this way … nor for any woman in general! 😉June 12, 2021 at 10:00 am #12932AlexParticipant
Hi @MlleSadie !
What Bay-Cheng said is interesting, I haven’t seen things like that
For me what brought stability of female-led relationships was that those kind of relationship requires a lot of trust, and emotional engagement : so there is a lot of communication, and both parts, the dominant and the submissive, feels very connected
But it’s interesting to also see the effect of social environment on the stability of relationships, it’s true women are less priviledge and favorised by actual society so being in charge might helps them to feel more stable, idk
Can I ask you what’s your opinion on this study ?
PS : Ohh une autre personne française sur ce site 🤭June 15, 2021 at 4:34 pm #13022
@Alex, you asked for my opinion on this study … I think the general conclusion make sense, even if it is “sad” to realize that the perceived stability/intimacy of a relationship varies depending on gender … and because of some other social inequality markers. It seems to be a big challenge for a woman and a man, involved in a relationship, to reach a common understanding of their own “objective” reality.
Otherwise, I am delighted that being in charge might help women to feel more stable. At the same time, I am puzzled by this. Is compensating for insecurities a good (healthy/ethical) motive to look for an FLR? In the end, I wonder how generalizable these results are to couples who willingly look for FLR (we must remember that this study is not specifically about FLR). As like you, my experience is that what brings stability to FLR is first and foremost trust, built on lots of communication, along with a deep emotional (and sexual) engagement.
PS : Ohh! 🤭
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.