Dedicated to Powerful Women, and those who wish to serve them,
Like most women I was taught from a young age to minimize myself for the comfort of others. Be quiet, be abiding, smile, make yourself smaller, take up less space. I was taught that to be a loving person you put the needs and wants of others above your own. Simultaneously, I found myself in leadership and decision-making roles in my family and work life as my intelligence and unique perspective could not be denied. This paradox of societal pressure to be a pretty petite woman and the skills to be in charge created a tension in my life. I was in positions of power while being sent the message not to be too powerful, too bold, avoid at all costs the moniker of being bitchy or bossy. This underlying paradox is one that many women experience.
My initial exploration into the realm of kink is similar to many women- submit to a man. At the time, I was fiercely independent. I lived alone, ran my own small business and did not answer to anyone in most aspects of my life. I yearned to feel relief from having to make every single decision, to meet that standard of perfection that seemed to be expected of me. My first experiences with power dynamics occurred with a skilled dominant I met online. His wealth of experience, focus on safety and promise to respect my hard limits drew me in, and before I knew it, I was bound in his ropes. Our time together resulted in a variety of diverse experiences and sensations- but ultimately what I learned most was how to trust. How to be lovingly held in safety, while still having a sense of novelty and exploration. My tense and stressed body found itself relaxing into the restrictions and limitations imposed upon me. These early experiences taught me a great deal about how to build trust with a partner, how to ensure the safety of those involved, how to have conversations about desires and limits. What I found lacking was a sense of deep devotion and reverence as my playmate and I were not in love or playing within the context of a romantic relationship. I am endlessly thankful for the lessons I learned in that time, and they set the stage for what was coming next in my exploration of my own sexuality.
I stepped away from that partner and opted to spend a year on my own. Toward the end of that year, a friend insisted on setting me up with a friend of his. I was majorly skeptical but agreed to meet for coffee. Our romance was not that of being swept off my feet or diving in headfirst. We moved slowly and learned about one another patiently. My skepticism around dating allowed me to be fully myself with this new man, there was no desire to impress or please him. I allowed myself to be known, I allowed myself to know him. As our loving bond developed, we began to discuss our sexual preferences and kinks. Again, initially I opted to be in the submissive role- the one I had been shaped and trained for all of my life. This time there was a loving trust between us that altered my experience significantly. I was able to release my fear and offer myself more fully to my partner.
With time, my man confessed his hidden desire to experience submission himself. For this, I am forever grateful.
His honesty and willingness to hand over control to me sparked something in me that had been residing under the surface for most of my life. Suddenly my intelligence, my powerful insight and my leadership skills were being asked to step to the forefront rather than being minimized or disregarded. I had been in control of most aspects of my life, but always in secret, always under the radar. Don’t be too loud, don’t cause a scene, don’t challenge others, be a leader and do the work- all while being quiet, demure and ladylike. In this new power dynamic, I was being celebrated for all that I was. I could be strong and loving. He thrived on my bitchiness; my bossiness made him weak in the knees. I could hold my partner to the standard of behavior which I felt I deserved. I could voice my desires and insist upon having things exactly as I like them. It was a revelation.
Admittedly, it took some time to learn that my Pet’s submission to me is deep and true. I feared that my strength would intimidate him or push him away. What occurred was quite the opposite. My strength and dominance were matched by his submission and devotion to me. We built our trust over time, each scene he endured for my pleasure further bolstered my faith in him. Each new set of shared experiences demonstrated that the skills I had been working on in the background of my public life were rare and worthy. My confidence grew. I moved on from the basic cliches of female domination and found myself having new and creative ideas about how to elicit a sense of submission in my Pet.
With my growing confidence we decided to discuss transitioning from sharing an occasional scene to having a full-blown Female Lead Relationship. We created agreements as equals around how he would demonstrate his devotion to me through day-to-day tasks such as household chores, financial submission and chastity. Our discussions included clear expectations and responsibilities for both of our roles, as well as a schedule for discipline and correction if he were to veer off course in his actions or attitude. We set goals for him as an individual and for us as a couple. Once our agreement was signed, he became mine. I now have a perpetual servant, one who wants nothing more than to adore and serve me in any way I see fit.
Our life together has flourished since taking these steps to solidify our FLR. We have accomplished some of our larger goals together, and the mundane tasks of day-to-day life flow more smoothly. I continue to develop my skills as a Femme Domme, all while remembering to hold my Pet lovingly while he explores his sexuality and desire for submission. As my power grows, so does his desire to serve me. We take time each month to meet as equals and discuss how he is progressing on his path to becoming the man he wants to be.
For the women out there, who feel torn between the expectations of society insisting you be small or meek, and the power and potency that you know exist within you- you are not alone. Allow yourself to consider the possibility that your partner or future lover may need a strong loving female presence to guide them and harness their energy. The desire for this loving feminine authority is unbelievable, it is everywhere you turn. Many men develop a deeply held fantasy around a loving female authority in the early stages of puberty. This is why we see sexual fantasies around babysitters, teachers and nurses. These women are in positions of power over the young person, and they use their power to lovingly guide and direct the interactions while holding them accountable for their actions. We can see this represented in the sexualization of these roles in male fantasies- have you ever wondered why the sexy nurse or naughty school mistress are consistent trends in pornography or Halloween costumes? These fantasies and desires do not go away with age, they are deeply and often shamefully held in many men. Often asked to be fully in charge for the vast majority of the time by default, men can experience immense pressure over a lifetime. Men with submissive desires often feel shame around these feelings, it is my hope that we as powerful women can begin to transform this narrative and begin to celebrate and embrace these yearnings. They may just flourish under your power and strength. A powerful skilled Domme can offer relief and liberation from societal expectation, a safe place to explore being receptive, submissive and devoted.
For me, this exploration into my sexual power has transformed my life in ways far beyond the privacy of our bedroom. My submission taught me the power of developing trust, the importance of safety protocols, and the joy that comes from connecting with your loved one through the lens of power dynamics. I owe it all to my Pet. His courage in sharing his submissive desires opened the door for me to explore my dominant nature.
It is my wish to open a dialogue around these concepts so that others may find the joy and deep security that comes with a FLR. May we continue to explore and share together.
This Post Has 13 Comments
Thank you for sharing your story Ma’am. Very inspirational. Trust is the glue that holds everything together.
Yes indeed, often when viewed from the outside the beauty of the trust gets missed. It’s fundamental, and it is the foundation for all of the joy and connection that follows.
As a young sub living with his Domme in a FLR of almost 2 years, I would like to thank you for your insightful presentation. Trust is the most important basis, because my Domme makes the rules that I have to follow and I do. Besides my daily menial chores like shining shoes and polishing boots, there are rituals in which I must clearly show her my submission. When I put her shoes- on and off or bring her slippers, I always have to show her respect with a subtle kiss on her toes. I know that the foot kiss is cultivated in very many FLR, also because some subs may like it, but I’m not so into it. Nevertheless, I do it because I have to subordinate myself to my Domme and obey her. Rules must be obeyed!
Like you, I evolved during my journey through the fetish realms. I started as a Dom and faced the feelings lurking below the surface. Grateful for my time on top as I learned a lot about communication and establishing a clarity of roles that makes a loving union practical with vastly reduced drama.
Good work on this article and thanks for sharing your experiences.
Hopefully, I will find my someone to serve and cherish.
Excellent article and agree that communication and trust are everything. Being honest with your partner and as important with yourself which is hard for a lot of people. I find there are very few resources for men to find these types of relationships. 99.9% of the dating sites and etc are scams. There are people on both sides (males and females) that don’t trust the other side at first. I hear from women that say most men are sending inappropriate pictures and will say anything for a one night stand and us men get 99% of the women (with any sort of fetish) wanting us to send them money or personal info (not the regular stuff). Are there legit fetish dating coaches? Any suggestions as to where I might have better luck are welcome.
I would say that your experience is quite common unfortunately. That sort of behavior occurs on all dating sites, from the kinkiest to the most vanilla, but it can be more complicated when you add kink and power dynamic play to the mix. I personally have received more pictures of genitals than anyone should see in their lifetime, and know that many of my male friends have spent time talking online only to be directed to an OnlyFans page or to have requests for money come their way.
In my experience, I think it is helpful to be direct and upfront about what you are looking for in a potential partner, what you can offer, and what you would like to see happen early on in your interaction. I recommend being clear about your expectations and any limits you have. Ask lots of questions, find out what the other person has to offer and what their expectations are as well. A video call or in person meeting shortly after meeting online can help reduce the risk of catfishing etc.
You may want to explore Fetlife- it is a dating site specifically for kinky folks, however the same pitfalls can occur there too. You could also look in your local area for sex shows or conferences, there may already be a kink community that exists that could connect you to others in the lifestyle. Wishing you the best of luck on your journey!
Yes, Mistress, I agree. Even if it may not be what you think, the other person wants to hear, it’s always best to be honest from the beginning about what you’re looking for.
Thank you so much for your reply! I agree as I have tried both types of sites, including Fetlife. Great site for sure, but I have had that issue there as well. I will take your advice and some other stuff I have learned on here and apply and see what happens. Thanks again and best wishes to you as well 🙂
Thank you, Lady, for the excellent article; I’m especially grateful for your encouragement to other women to let their natural dominance shine. While the tide is turning, and the (very great) appeal of the strong female is beginning to be recognized in popular media (a couple of movies I recommend to anyone so inclined are the first Avatar movie and Jojo Rabbit), we still have a long way to go before the old narrative has been entirely discarded, so encouragements like yours are invaluable – a seldom-heard message that needs to be heard much more frequently.
Thank you again. 🙏🏻
Oh yes: my personal approach to the online dating conundrum is to use reputable non-kink-related sites such as match.com, OKCupid, etc., and to just be brutally honest in my profile without mentioning kink at all beyond saying that I appreciate a smart, strong, independent woman who’s naturally dominant over her man and a strict disciplinarian who won’t hesitate to provide me with the discipline I know I need any time and every time she sees that need arise…you know. Words to that effect. While most activism creeps me out, I admit to being a kind of low-level activist with regard to female leadership (in all arenas), and I see this approach as both encouraging women who might not have even considered it to think about and maybe accept their dominant tendencies as something desirable, and also as kind of “normalizing” female dominance – bringing it into the mainstream by speaking about it openly and honestly and as nothing unusual in the context of a completely mainstream, non-specialized dating site. And women really appreciate such honesty (of course); I get a lot of compliments on the honesty of such profiles, even from women who aren’t interested in pursuing such a relationship, but who write just to thank me for my refreshing candor. It’s nice. 🙂
always ask for a live pic ‘touching nose with right index finger etc’ If they will not,,RUN.use GOOGLE CHAT ..is immediate and can exchange pics easily..I heae been here 2years and ‘met’ 3 scammers..NO real..submission does not equal stupid..
Politeness and appreciation towards a lady are achieved in early youth through proper education. A boy who has learned early on that he must be submissive and servile to a lady will get along well with dominant ladies later in life. Even in adulthood, a well-behaved gentleman becomes accustomed to obedience through regular re-education and appreciates the commanding tone of his Domme, knowing that it is for his own good when she rebukes him. Madame, it does every gentleman good to be allowed to kneel before you and obey your orders.
This is a great article that should encourage ladies who have been conditioned by society to submit. I look forward to a day when the real power rests in the loving responsibility of real women. That is women who understand their best role in helping a man become the best they can become.
Currently in a level 2 FLR. It evolves slowly. First because her personality is not really dominant, but rather a helper. Secondly, because she wants a man who is her shield and protector. Thirdly, I struggle to get her to understand that her power to impact change in me is actually helping me, and that I can still be her strong protector to the world and yield to her at the same time.