Dedicated to Powerful Women, and those who wish to serve them,
Like most women I was taught from a young age to minimize myself for the comfort of others. Be quiet, be abiding, smile, make yourself smaller, take up less space. I was taught that to be a loving person you put the needs and wants of others above your own. Simultaneously, I found myself in leadership and decision-making roles in my family and work life as my intelligence and unique perspective could not be denied. This paradox of societal pressure to be a pretty petite woman and the skills to be in charge created a tension in my life. I was in positions of power while being sent the message not to be too powerful, too bold, avoid at all costs the moniker of being bitchy or bossy. This underlying paradox is one that many women experience.
My initial exploration into the realm of kink is similar to many women- submit to a man. At the time, I was fiercely independent. I lived alone, ran my own small business and did not answer to anyone in most aspects of my life. I yearned to feel relief from having to make every single decision, to meet that standard of perfection that seemed to be expected of me. My first experiences with power dynamics occurred with a skilled dominant I met online. His wealth of experience, focus on safety and promise to respect my hard limits drew me in, and before I knew it, I was bound in his ropes. Our time together resulted in a variety of diverse experiences and sensations- but ultimately what I learned most was how to trust. How to be lovingly held in safety, while still having a sense of novelty and exploration. My tense and stressed body found itself relaxing into the restrictions and limitations imposed upon me. These early experiences taught me a great deal about how to build trust with a partner, how to ensure the safety of those involved, how to have conversations about desires and limits. What I found lacking was a sense of deep devotion and reverence as my playmate and I were not in love or playing within the context of a romantic relationship. I am endlessly thankful for the lessons I learned in that time, and they set the stage for what was coming next in my exploration of my own sexuality.
I stepped away from that partner and opted to spend a year on my own. Toward the end of that year, a friend insisted on setting me up with a friend of his. I was majorly skeptical but agreed to meet for coffee. Our romance was not that of being swept off my feet or diving in headfirst. We moved slowly and learned about one another patiently. My skepticism around dating allowed me to be fully myself with this new man, there was no desire to impress or please him. I allowed myself to be known, I allowed myself to know him. As our loving bond developed, we began to discuss our sexual preferences and kinks. Again, initially I opted to be in the submissive role- the one I had been shaped and trained for all of my life. This time there was a loving trust between us that altered my experience significantly. I was able to release my fear and offer myself more fully to my partner.
With time, my man confessed his hidden desire to experience submission himself. For this, I am forever grateful.
His honesty and willingness to hand over control to me sparked something in me that had been residing under the surface for most of my life. Suddenly my intelligence, my powerful insight and my leadership skills were being asked to step to the forefront rather than being minimized or disregarded. I had been in control of most aspects of my life, but always in secret, always under the radar. Don’t be too loud, don’t cause a scene, don’t challenge others, be a leader and do the work- all while being quiet, demure and ladylike. In this new power dynamic, I was being celebrated for all that I was. I could be strong and loving. He thrived on my bitchiness; my bossiness made him weak in the knees. I could hold my partner to the standard of behavior which I felt I deserved. I could voice my desires and insist upon having things exactly as I like them. It was a revelation.
Admittedly, it took some time to learn that my Pet’s submission to me is deep and true. I feared that my strength would intimidate him or push him away. What occurred was quite the opposite. My strength and dominance were matched by his submission and devotion to me. We built our trust over time, each scene he endured for my pleasure further bolstered my faith in him. Each new set of shared experiences demonstrated that the skills I had been working on in the background of my public life were rare and worthy. My confidence grew. I moved on from the basic cliches of female domination and found myself having new and creative ideas about how to elicit a sense of submission in my Pet.
With my growing confidence we decided to discuss transitioning from sharing an occasional scene to having a full-blown Female Lead Relationship. We created agreements as equals around how he would demonstrate his devotion to me through day-to-day tasks such as household chores, financial submission and chastity. Our discussions included clear expectations and responsibilities for both of our roles, as well as a schedule for discipline and correction if he were to veer off course in his actions or attitude. We set goals for him as an individual and for us as a couple. Once our agreement was signed, he became mine. I now have a perpetual servant, one who wants nothing more than to adore and serve me in any way I see fit.
Our life together has flourished since taking these steps to solidify our FLR. We have accomplished some of our larger goals together, and the mundane tasks of day-to-day life flow more smoothly. I continue to develop my skills as a Femme Domme, all while remembering to hold my Pet lovingly while he explores his sexuality and desire for submission. As my power grows, so does his desire to serve me. We take time each month to meet as equals and discuss how he is progressing on his path to becoming the man he wants to be.
For the women out there, who feel torn between the expectations of society insisting you be small or meek, and the power and potency that you know exist within you- you are not alone. Allow yourself to consider the possibility that your partner or future lover may need a strong loving female presence to guide them and harness their energy. The desire for this loving feminine authority is unbelievable, it is everywhere you turn. Many men develop a deeply held fantasy around a loving female authority in the early stages of puberty. This is why we see sexual fantasies around babysitters, teachers and nurses. These women are in positions of power over the young person, and they use their power to lovingly guide and direct the interactions while holding them accountable for their actions. We can see this represented in the sexualization of these roles in male fantasies- have you ever wondered why the sexy nurse or naughty school mistress are consistent trends in pornography or Halloween costumes? These fantasies and desires do not go away with age, they are deeply and often shamefully held in many men. Often asked to be fully in charge for the vast majority of the time by default, men can experience immense pressure over a lifetime. Men with submissive desires often feel shame around these feelings, it is my hope that we as powerful women can begin to transform this narrative and begin to celebrate and embrace these yearnings. They may just flourish under your power and strength. A powerful skilled Domme can offer relief and liberation from societal expectation, a safe place to explore being receptive, submissive and devoted.
For me, this exploration into my sexual power has transformed my life in ways far beyond the privacy of our bedroom. My submission taught me the power of developing trust, the importance of safety protocols, and the joy that comes from connecting with your loved one through the lens of power dynamics. I owe it all to my Pet. His courage in sharing his submissive desires opened the door for me to explore my dominant nature.
It is my wish to open a dialogue around these concepts so that others may find the joy and deep security that comes with a FLR. May we continue to explore and share together.