Answers to Concerns Women Have About Female Led Relationships, Female Dominant Couples and his fantasy

A little about language

     If you listen to your question it will give you clues about how you feel inside. Your knee jerk reaction will lead the way. You may ask yourself questions including words such as “maybe,” “should,” “have to,” “must,” “could,” “only if” and more. No one “has to” but rather, they “get to” if that is what they desire. No one “must” but instead they “can” if it pleases them. Qualifiers like “could” and “only if” speak to your less than full commitment. If you are questioning whether or not you want to do something then perhaps you shouldn’t. Before any final decision, ponder deeply what you are asking so you get the answers you want. Further, people into FLR are going to have different answers to questions than those who are not or are in objection.

Female Dominant Couples? what is that?

     Don’t put too much into the usage of the word ‘Dominant’, it merely describes a relationship where the woman has greater responsibility and authority as a leader for the couple. People constantly say “a male dominated world” and no one thinks of men in leather corsets with whips. It is a double standard, and a dirty trick to have such double standards especially when they represent a system of control over all our lives beckoning us follow a traditional pattern of living.

It seems like there are a lot of dark things in his fantasy about female led relationship

     Yes, you are correct. The extreme BSDM elements are dark and difficult to understand. Why anyone would want them in play or in a relationship on a regular basis can be difficult to grasp. If this is your concern and you enjoy any of those things or would like to try them, make a trial run. If the dark side and the danger of it is tantalizing then run your own experiment. There is no limit except the one you set. Be smart, be safe, be yourself (unless you want to role play). You don’t need to do any of them to have a successful FLR.

Who says FLR/Female Dominant Couples are bad

     There are voices against FLR and Female Dominant Couples. Some are doing it from religious conviction where their faith clearly maps out the plan for couples while others from guiding principle reasoning, such as the belief that no one should ever control another human. There are not many on the side of saying FLR is good. Most of the proponents of FLR are into it and not so much the casual onlookers. In the case of Wrapped Around Her Finger and Venus on Top, the goal of the group was to provide awareness through selling books. There are not many voices either way, and they tend to be more extreme than less. When confronted with this situation most of us are in the middle on the issue. Many people think it could go either way depending on the choices a couple makes.

Is a female led relationship healthy for me, him or us as a couple?

     There are some elements in his fantasy that are not healthy. 1. Humiliation can be unhealthy unless you are using the boot camp approach to break down the barriers and replace them with better things. Continued humiliation is destructive, people need self-esteem and a sense of worth. 2. Sadomasochism can be unhealthy when applied badly or harshly. Severe beatings cause contusions and lacerations.. Many of the practices have consequences, open sores, bruises, cuts, torn fascia. 3. Objectification can be unhealthy unless in play, turning a person into an object removes there intrinsic value and humanity. 4. How would any relationship be improved by continued force? Men who want force should only be indulged for a time and for the purpose of effecting change. External motivation is better than force, Self motivation is best.

Do I have to do all this stuff to keep my relationship?

     No, absolutely not. You can just say you don’t want it and/or pick and choose what you do want if anything. His fantasy is for you to dominate him. If you feel forced, coerced or threatened, he is not treating you as a respected leader or even as a friend. In fact you should re-examine your commitment to him entirely if that is the case.

I am just not that kind of woman

     It is true that most (more then 50%) of women are just not interested, capable and/or willing to lead. Many woman are content even thrilled to follow. It is widely known that 40% of all women have low libido. Some women are weak by nature which is not a bad thing. As a matter of fact, that should be celebrated that it is their temperament and part of what makes them unique. If you are not all in or ready for FLR it is not for you. No matter what he wants he won’t be satisfied with your participation if you are not into it and so be it.

I feel like I am forced to do this

     There may be a few reasons for this which includes: 1) Where you feel compelled for reasons you have. perhaps you want to make things better, perhaps it plays on your heart strings or touches a trigger you have. You just need to figure out if you, your mate and your relationship will be better for your participation. 2) He is manipulating, coercing, or threatening you or you just feel like he is. There are times when force is the only tool we have to get things done but for someone who wants to be led by you to exert force on you means he is NOT showing you any behavior that resembles a man wanting FLR. The object of your leadership is to make things better for all. If things get worse then you are going the wrong direction. Examine your relationship and your willingness, if you feel female led relationship will be beneficial go for it, and if you are willing to try thing try them with joy.

Must I control him?

     No! Not if you don`t want to. He MUST be willing to submit to your leadership in order for you to lead and he MUST be willing to control himself at least most of the time. If he has a real need to control as a safety issue then by all means jump in. You can do it yourself, get help from a trusted friend or make a relationship with another woman or man in FLR to help. A good sign control is good for him is when he is unable to enact personal discipline.

Controlling two lives – I can’t even control mine

     Funny but true! Micro-managing is hard and control is somewhat of an illusion. Good managers delegate, create rules, get help and employ technologies or they cannot micro-manage. One strategy is to use ‘hands on’ management in the beginning with all the help you want and need. Then as things normalize you will not need to be so ‘involved’. You will still be ‘manager’ but the process will be self managed through governance (a set of rules and methods for doing things).

A little about language

     If you listen to your question it will give you clues about how you feel inside. Your knee jerk reaction will lead the way. You may ask yourself questions including words such as “maybe,” “should,” “have to,” “must,” “could,” “only if” and more. No one “has to” but rather, they “get to” if that is what they desire. No one “must” but instead they “can” if it pleases them. Qualifiers like “could” and “only if” speak to your less than full commitment. If you are questioning whether or not you want to do something then perhaps you shouldn’t. Before any final decision, ponder deeply what you are asking so you get the answers you want. Further, people into FLR are going to have different answers to questions than those who are not or are in objection.

Female Dominant Couples? what is that?

     Don’t put to much into the usage of the word ‘Dominant’, it merely describes a relationship where the woman has greater responsibility and authority as a leader for the couple. People constantly say “a male dominated world” and no one thinks of men in leather corsets with whips. It is a double standard, and a dirty trick to have such double standards especially when they represent a system of control over all our lives beckoning us follow a traditional pattern of living.

It seems like there are a lot of dark things in his fantasy about female led relationship

     Yes, you are correct. The extreme BSDM elements are dark and difficult to understand. Why anyone would want them in play or in a relationship on a regular basis can be difficult to grasp. If this is your concern and you enjoy any of those things or would like to try them, make a trial run. If the dark side and the danger of it is tantalizing then run your own experiment. There is no limit except the one you set. Be smart, be safe, be yourself (unless you want to role play). You don’t need to do any of them to have a successful FLR.

Who says FLR/Female Dominant Couples are bad

     There are voices against FLR and Female Dominant Couples. Some are doing it from religious conviction where their faith clearly maps out the plan for couples while others from guiding principle reasoning, such as the belief that no one should ever control another human. There are not many on the side of saying FLR is good. Most of the proponents of FLR are into it and not so much the casual onlookers. In the case of Wrapped Around Her Finger and Venus on Top, the goal of the group was to provide awareness through selling books. There are not many voices either way, and they tend to be more extreme than less. When confronted with this situation most of us are in the middle on the issue. Many people think it could go either way depending on the choices a couple makes.

Is a female led relationship healthy for me, him or us as a couple?

     There are some elements in his fantasy that are not healthy. 1. Humiliation can be unhealthy unless you are using the boot camp approach to break down the barriers and replace them with better things. Continued humiliation is destructive, people need self-esteem and a sense of worth. 2. Sadomasochism can be unhealthy when applied badly or harshly. Severe beatings cause contusions and lacerations.. Many of the practices have consequences, open sores, bruises, cuts, torn fascia. 3. Objectification can be unhealthy unless in play, turning a person into an object removes there intrinsic value and humanity. 4. How would any relationship be improved by continued force? Men who want force should only be indulged for a time and for the purpose of effecting change. External motivation is better than force, Self motivation is best.

Do I have to do all this stuff to keep my relationship?

     No, absolutely not. You can just say you don’t want it and/or pick and choose what you do want if anything. His fantasy is for you to dominate him. If you feel forced, coerced or threatened, he is not treating you as a respected leader or even as a friend. In fact you should re-examine your commitment to him entirely if that is the case.

I am just not that kind of woman

     It is true that most (more then 50%) of women are just not interested, capable and/or willing to lead. Many woman are content even thrilled to follow. It is widely known that 40% of all women have low libido. Some women are weak by nature which is not a bad thing. As a matter of fact, that should be celebrated that it is their temperament and part of what makes them unique. If you are not all in or ready for FLR it is not for you. No matter what he wants he won’t be satisfied with your participation if you are not into it and so be it.

I feel like I am forced to do this

     There may be a few reasons for this which includes: 1) Where you feel compelled for reasons you have. perhaps you want to make things better, perhaps it plays on your heart strings or touches a trigger you have. You just need to figure out if you, your mate and your relationship will be better for your participation. 2) He is manipulating, coercing, or threatening you or you just feel like he is. There are times when force is the only tool we have to get things done but for someone who wants to be led by you to exert force on you means he is NOT showing you any behavior that resembles a man wanting FLR. The object of your leadership is to make things better for all. If things get worse then you are going the wrong direction. Examine your relationship and your willingness, if you feel female led relationship will be beneficial go for it, and if you are willing to try thing try them with joy.

Must I control him?

     No! Not if you don`t want to. He MUST be willing to submit to your leadership in order for you to lead and he MUST be willing to control himself at least most of the time. If he has a real need to control as a safety issue then by all means jump in. You can do it yourself, get help from a trusted friend or make a relationship with another woman or man in FLR to help. A good sign control is good for him is when he is unable to enact personal discipline.

Controlling two lives – I can’t even control mine

     Funny but true! Micro-managing is hard and control is somewhat of an illusion. Good managers delegate, create rules, get help and employ technologies or they cannot micro-manage. One strategy is to use ‘hands on’ management in the beginning with all the help you want and need. Then as things normalize you will not need to be so ‘involved’. You will still be ‘manager’ but the process will be self managed through governance (a set of rules and methods for doing things).

Is domestic discipline good for me, him or us as a couple

     That is debated. You will have to decide for yourself. In some cases it is truly destructive such as drastic whipping/caining, prolonged bondage, starvation and isolation. Beyond that it seems innocent enough. The real talk is about whether or not it is acceptable to do to another adult. People seem to go both ways. Some say, it is your life so live it as you want. Others say disciplinarians are destructive to relationships. My advice is to be smart and decide for your relationship what is best. There are lots of fanatic in this discussion so it make one wonder if there is intelligence on either side. I think I would take this out but I am not really sure what it is saying.

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A Woman’s Guide to Training a Man in Her Female Led Relationship

Training your man to adapt to your female led relationship

     In order to train you will need to establish the things you want him to learn. You can get some from your list of relationship ideals such as fidelity and intimacy or some from your life direction goals and his cry for help. If you have not yet read “A woman’s guide to motivating a man in her Female Led Relationship” we recommend you do so. If you have no female led relationship agreement or relationship strategy you are not ready for training unless you just want to play.

     Generally what you want your man to learn in your female led relationship and what he wants to learn are very different. You want him to learn to overcome his bad habits, work independently, find fulfillment in growing, gain confidence in your leadership and participate as your supportive follower. He want to learn how to serve your body, obey your commands, please you sexually, humble himself and learn what it is like to surrender. Because of the difference and size of the task at hand you must choose your targets. In management 101, when faced with a large number of tasks you must prioritize them, take the top ten and do as many as you can. Delegate where you can and just maintain a list of the ones that don’t get done. There is, however, the added complication of keeping both of you motivated.

     In level 1-2 relationships you are not going to be doing much of any training, but in level 3-4, it will be expected. He wants you to do it. At the end of this article there are 3 additional articles for more advice on reshaping self-image, non-punishment correction, and alternatives to physical punishment.

Information from our on-going polls

I feel weak about training him to do anything

     When faced with lots to do and a sense of weakness, think of delegation. When you delegate, you still have to supervise the one you delegated to and you cannot let it go on its own. What you delegated should have been on your “top ten” list and ranked as important. You can use technology, make him create the curriculums while you just reorganize it, or you can seek help from a friend or expert (consultant).

     Let’s say you decide your top ten list looks like the list below and your priorities are clear. You are in a level 3 relationship and have your agreement in place. Your agreement gives you full control of the 5 food groups and you agreed to moderate kink and some forms of punishment. Think of this as a first list as a leader. The day is Saturday and Friday night you completed your relationship agreement together. In the task list below you can see I have delegated many things and I am thinking about finding another women to help me with the initial phase where I am weak or don’t have time. The most important thing for today is to keep him motivated and least important (yet ultimately more important) is creating a map to our relationship closest to our measurable ideals. The lower 4 items are hardest to do so they will take time.

  1. Keep him motivated today
    • Tell him to go to the bank today and get some cash ($100) for his lunches and gas.
    • Today he will clean the garage and present his work for inspection.
    • Tonight I want the full pampering treatment.
    • Have him present me with a list of things from which I can choose.
    • Have him get naked and shower at 6 in preparation and dress in an apron.
    • Have him cook and serve a simple dinner, (salad and chicken).
    • For this entire week I want him once each day to kneel in front of me and ask me to be his leader.
  2. Set-up an early morning breakfast meeting for tomorrow with my man (Sunday). Discuss the following points in order:
    • Delegating ceremony – draft due in 2 days.
    • Getting financial accounts and documents, (due next Sunday).
    • Collect his credit cards and give him cash for the next week.
    • He will call me anytime he is going to spend more than $10 except for gasoline.
    • I will keep his cards until I create a budget and spending plan.
    • I am reaching out to see if I can find someone I can trust to help mentor and train.
    • Until I finish my plan I want him to ask me each night at 9 if I want pampering.
    • He will look into a chastity device and show me, (due next Sunday).
    • He will buy net nanny, (due next Sunday).
  3. Close out his bad habits – specifically internet porn and masturbation
  4. Create a ceremony where he formally acknowledges my leadership and symbolically hands control to me
    • I can clear this from my list easily by delegating
    • Delegate this to my man
    • Give him a verbal outline while we have breakfast
      • I want the ceremony to include him kneeling in front of me
      • Keep his cards until you create a budget and spending plan
    • Have him think about guests
    • Bring it to me for editing in 3 days
  5. Plan what I want from him on a daily basis
    • Make a plan for his short-term service of my body
    • Teach him how I want him to respond to me
    • Teach him what I want on a daily basis
    • Delegate chores/responsibilities to him and create a way I can know when they are done so I can check
    • Create a yahoo account to receive sensitive email about FLR
    • Run an ad on Craig’s list to see of any women could help train him
  6. Get control of the finances and plan a budget that will work
    • Meet with him over breakfast
    • He will bring me all financial documents he has
    • Teach him what I want on a daily basis
    • Delegate chores/responsibilities to him and create a way I can know when they are done so I can check
  7. Create and publish my agenda
  8. Get control of the 5 food groups
  9. Motivate my man to fulfill his lowest need(s) control and vulnerability
  10. Create a map to our relationship closest to our measurable ideals

Training your man by providing a positive learning experience

     A positive learning experience provides rewards for goals met, praise for active participation and goal achievement. If you want your man to do the laundry to your standard, joyfully invite him to see how you do it. Explain what you are thinking as you go and have him repeat what you did giving him only positive reinforcement for what he is doing right and showing him what he needs to relearn. The goal is to learn how to do the laundry. Once he does give him affection and praise.

Training your man by achievable learning goals and rewards

     Learning goals and rewards begin with your selecting what he is to learn. He will ask for a reward of his choosing (you can limit his choices by using a list). You will teach him and watch his progress. When he learns the task, he has met his goal and is to be commended. When he shows prolonged retention of that learning he gets the reward.

Training your man by coaching

     Coaches demonstrate the task or have it demonstrated then guide from the sidelines watching the learner and continuing to participate in their learning. Coaching as a style should be authoritative. The reward is getting the coaching and getting to participate.

Training your man with the dominant teacher approach

     Consider getting help from another woman or man who is more dominant than you. You play the good leader and she/he plays the strict disciplinarian. You will need to coach at the same time but the tag team approach gives the learner plenty of focus time on his fantasy and reinforces the woman’s leadership and superior role.

Training your man with the boot camp approach

     Boot camp is an intensive approach. It works best when there is more than one trainer or the trainer has a lot of time. The idea is to break down the learner, break them of their will, then instill new values in them. It is a form of programming used by the military and law enforcement. This might be the ultimate fantasy for him.

All training requires motivation and authority

     The trainer is always greater and over the trainee. She uses his fantasies and motivation to his advantage, which ultimately speeds up the learning curve.

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A Woman’s Guide to Motivating a Man in Her Female Led Relationship

Learning your man’s motivational style.

     You could pull out your hair trying to understand all the motivational models science has created. If you will allow me to summarize, I think I can help. People have needs and they organize their needs by priority, lower needs at on the bottom and higher needs on top. Each of us has a style of motivation we adopt. We use our motivation style to experience the world around us, to adapt to the world and acquire our needs. The highest need for anyone is transcendence (helping others to be fulfilled) and truth is almost no one gets there. We can only seek our higher needs when the base needs are met.

Here is an example:

     We need food and shelter long before we need creativity. When we have food and shelter in such abundance it allows us free time to pursue our greater needs. Then we can choose to fulfill creativity. In your man’s case he has said he has a need to experience female led relationships. That need could also be described by saying he desires control, intimacy, connection and vulnerability. Connection and intimacy are in the middle somewhere of the pyramid with the needs of belonging and love. Control and vulnerability are safety needs lower in the stack second from the bottom. So your man cannot get past where he is to become connected and intimate until he fulfills his control and vulnerability needs (safety needs).

Classic motivational styles include:

     Goal-oriented (needs a reward or negative constant) – Goal oriented men need external rewards and the vast majority of men are goal oriented. Rewards like getting to do something exciting can be described as a negative constant while the reinforcement comes from the consistency not from achieving a goal. He already had the goal and now he wants to keep it.

     Activity-oriented (enjoys the process) – Activity driven men enjoy the process. They want to experience things that create movement and success for all.

     Learning-oriented (on a journey) – Learners are on a life journey to understand and experience; they are often inquisitive and don’t believe what others accept as fact.

     Other Types (Sensory types) – Some men are visual learners such as reading and watching while others are auditory meaning they learn by listening. Some by active participation called kinetic learners, which typically means they must repeat what they have experienced in order to learn best. I don’t believe anyone is a purist at any style or sensory types. We are all some combination and lean heavily in one direction.

     Consider how your man learns and incorporate that into your FLR.Your man for example is a visual learner who is goal oriented. We know this because he is seeking what female led relationship can give him, plus has gone online and indulged his eyes. Now his goal is to move both of you closer to a FLR. Because he is visual his fantasy is visual too. Satisfying it will need to be visual.

     Motivation can also be described by what influences/inspires an individual. These are also called triggers and represent what he is into. For what it’s worth, you can take tests online to help figure out motivations. Here is one that has 15 Motivation Categories shown below. The criteria varies with what the test is attempting to prove so go in with open eyes and curiosity, but don’t put too much stake in it.

     To apply this knowledge to your man, he has as his highest trigger, stability and as his lowest, self-improvement. We know he is a creature of habit, wants rules, structure and does not make much of improving himself. Since he wants you to lead him, we can assume he will make the best follower by providing him structure, rules, and traditions and by forcing him to make improvements.

  1. Power – How much do you enjoy controlling others?
  2. Lifestyle – Do you need to have a comfortable lifestyle?
  3. Creativity – Do you need a creative outlet?
  4. Status – Do you hope to be a part of the upper echelon of society?
  5. Respect – Is it important to you that others think highly of your work?
  6. Stability – How infrequently do you want to change jobs?
  7. Compensation – Is money your primary motivator?
  8. Location – Do you mind a long commute?
  9. Intellectualism – Are you able to work on repetitive tasks?
  10. Philanthropy – Are you eager to give back to the community?
  11. Travel – Do you need the adventure of travel?
  12. Recognition – Do you want to be recognized by strangers?
  13. Family – Is your family a motivating factor?
  14. Self-Improvement – How important is your professional development?
  15. Independence – Do you work better without a boss?

Here are a few more tests if you want them

     Once you learn his styles, types, and triggers, try and understand how he has stacked his needs. Answer his most important current need (For me it is companionship and connection; without that I spend all my time seeking it out.) As a female leader, negotiate as many of the food groups as you can because ultimately you will be in a better position to help him and yourself. We recommend you attempt full control, even if you later back-off or delegate responsibility. You will be in the best position to motivate your mate and pursue your agenda while growing a loving, vital relationship.

Motivating him to enter a Female Led Relationship

  • He wants something and may be willing to trade for it
  • You want something and may be willing to trade for it
  • If you play to his fantasy, you can get a better agreement for you both

Motivating him in Female Led Relationship

  • First, find his basest need and help him to fulfill it.
  • Work lightly on higher needs at the same time
  • Don’t forget about yourself. You have needs that he should be working on with you.
  • Plan to use his learning style to grow him as a follower
  • Learn his highest triggers and use them as bait
  • Learn his lowest triggers and decide if you need to force him to change
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A woman’s guide to the benefits of a Female Led Relationship

The benefits for women in FLR

     Women and men will get benefits from a female led relationship. They may either share benefits or have specific benefits for the women or the man. Of course the chief benefit is growing a relation towards your ideals and working together to get there.

“If you look at FLR it looks like the safest relationship a woman can have. She makes the rules, she sets the boundaries, she has final say and he both loves her and supports her in her role. In any other relationship women do not enjoy that kind of freedom or safety. This is a functional model for any woman who wants more control and less strife. There should be zero downside to female led relationships when entered into with open eyes and a whole heart between two people who love each other.”

A post from Asserting leadership
  • A varied and interesting sex life.
  • As much control over your relationship, him and your life together as you want.
  • Being able to be bitchy, angry and condescending without conflict.
  • Becoming a better lover to your mate.
  • Build a formal relationship agreement.
  • Expanding your leadership as you please.
  • Expanding your sex life as you please.
  • Get him to do as much of the housework as you like.
  • Greater respect from your mate.
  • Growing confidence as a leader.
  • Having a more confident man who knows the drill.
  • Helping him to become a better lover.
  • Helping him to improve his health and well being.
  • Helping him to stop bad habits.
  • Indulging in your kinks and his as you choose.
  • More intimacy as desired.
  • Nurturing as much or as little as you want.
  • Pampering from your man and receiving as much as you want.
  • Promoting togetherness, connection and relationship longevity.
  • Satisfaction of pleasing your lover.
  • Teach and create change as much as you want.
  • Work towards goals together.

The benefits for men in FLR

  • Indulge your fantasies.
  • Surrender to female authority.
  • Get closer to your mate by serving her body.
  • Become a better lover to your mate.
  • Remain confident by knowing the rules and consequences.
  • Knowing her expectations.
  • Express your willingness to submit.
  • Learning new things.
  • Helped in becoming a better lover.
  • Bring harmony to your family by serving.
  • Stop bad habits.
  • Encourage your mate as a successful leader.
  • Help normalize female led relationships.
  • Learn greater intimacy, connection and vulnerability.
  • Promote togetherness, connection and relationship longevity.
  • Work towards goals together.

Getting the benefits you want

     Set up your benefits as relationship goals by making hard and fast rules and traditions in your relationship agreement. You may need to negotiate trade offs. We recommend women be steadfast about not doing things that are just not in her nature. She should claim those things she wants for her man because that kind of position is good leadership.

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A woman’s guide to him pampering you in your Female Led Relationship

How does pampering look in the real world?

Liv: We definitely do practice this art form. I am cherished, loved, and adored from neck and backrubs to the exquisite foot rub whenever and wherever I want them. It is Gordon’s job to see that my comforts are met from running my bath to fetching me a drink. He is loving and ardent in his devotion.

an interview with Liv and Gorden by Lyric Kali

Tia: John is very loving and caring and this is one of the things that drew me to him in the first place. He is one of the only men I’ve met (in a long time) that is nurturing and kind, not only to me but also to my children. He loves to fix snack trays for everyone in the evening. He takes care of all of us and we love him for his very tender heart.

an interview with Tia and John by Melody Bussey

Remember when doing this that he has a fantasy (you may too)

     If you want his pampering, then play into his fantasy. He will love it, and you will get better results. Find what motivates him but what will also bring you closer together. That is, if it is your goal to get closer to your female led relationships. He is asking you for a change in lifestyle that strokes his fantasies and is more than just play. In his fantasy:

  1. He wants you to exert power over him including humiliation and punishment.
  2. He wants your interest level to be high and for you to show onfidence and make demands.
  3. He wants you to control sex and his orgasm, especially with fetish sex, props and costumes.
  4. He has a willingness to give up control to you.
  5. He has a high interest in your body and in serving you as a woman.

     Pampering can actually be quite fun. With a little variation and planning, you can enjoy rich personal pleasures from the man you love while playing into his fantasy. The trick to playing to him is remembering the five things he wants in his fantasy. If you emulate or actually do them, he will be more fulfilled and potentially more eager. Plan differently depending on what level of commitment you have to FLR. For instance in level 1, you should play by agreement for short durations, such as 1 evening. In level 2, you can add more kink as much as you are comfortable with doing. In level 3, you are his chosen leader and he will want you to be more selfish and demanding. In level 4, he will want as much as you want.

     Set the stage for him and you – that is your leadership. The more you demand, the more you will get. Find things that please you as a woman. Push for everything you want. Don’t ever thank him; assume you deserve it. Tell him when he is doing a good job or correct him authoritatively when you want it differently. Teaching him how to do something is always good. Don’t be afraid to be bitchy or even angry. If you need to, pretend you are anything you want to be (role play). If you want to give him the thrill of a lifetime, have a friend join you. Choose according to your taste.

Setting the stage for him and you

  • Make sure the environment is private enough for what you want.
  • He wants you in control so be in control.
  • He wants you to seem bossy, demanding, and selfish. If you can’t, no big deal as long as you can thrill him.
  • He wants you to control his sex and likely does not want to climax but wants to be teased and to please you.
  • He has a high interest in your body; involve him with it.
  • You are free to do what you want and give him nothing he wants though that may have an unintended result.
  • Start by making a list of what he is going to do. (see list below for ideas)
  • Make a list of his behaviors/attitudes in serving you and identify how he is going to do them. (see list below for ideas)
  • You may want your man clean at the start and to remain clean.
  • If your man is attractive, you might want him naked the whole time.
  • If you are going out you will need to tell him what to wear.
  • Create a hand written note to set the stage and explain your plan. His duties and the attitude he will need should be noted.
  • At some point where it makes sense, order him to strip naked and put away his clothes if you want.
  • You can order him not to touch you unless you ask.
  • If you like to tease sexually, enjoy yourself.

Listing of Pampering

  • Bathing you in a bubble bath or washing you in the shower
  • Have him greet you at the door and take your coat and bag and put them away
  • Make him dress and undress you
  • Have him cook and serve you dinner
  • Have him serve you wine or any beverage you desire
  • Command him to fetch things for you like another glass of wine for example
  • Have him kneel and rub and kiss your feet
  • Request a full body rub with oil and candles
  • Demand he go down on you while you sit or stand
  • Have him go down on you in bed then fall a sleep

What His Attitude Should Be While Pampering You

  • I want him eager to please – service with a smile
  • I want him humble and servant like – don’t talk unless I ask slave
  • I want him obedient – serve me when I tell you and until I say stop
  • I want him respectful – call me Miss, thank me for allowing you this pleasure
  • I want him attentive, watch for my commands, act as if you will be punished if you miss something
  • I want him selfless – this is about me, you get nothing
  • I want him teachable, to learn these lesson – I am the boss, you will repeat the pampering when I want

How to Tease Him Sexually While He Pampers You (everyone knows when a man is aroused)

  • While you are clothed, order him to strip and stand at attention, command he not touch you, hover around him very closely and touch him until he is very aroused then command him to do something for you that is not sexual
  • Have him kneel and rub your feet, with your free foot, play with him gently.
  • Have him dress in an apron, while he serves you wine, reach under and play with him until he is very aroused.
  • Have him strip for you then take off your clothes. Command him to shower you and in the shower demand he stand and face the wall with his hand on it while you grope between his legs until he almost climaxes. Then have him continue showering you with no orgasm for him.
  • You can touch him anytime. The trick is not to do any act of sex where he will feel you are inferior to his position. Don’t give him oral sex, don’t let him take you from behind and don’t spoon. Remain in control of his orgasm or deny him orgasm.

You can take it from here!

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Making your Female Led Relationship Agreement

We all make relationship agreements

     You might think this is silly but we all make relationship agreements. Most often these agreements are made in exclusive relationships or a relationship where two people are moving in with each other. The vows couples take in marriage are agreements as well. Most agreements we make in relationships are verbal. Recently we have seen people, particularly men, protecting themselves with a prenuptial. Agreements are only as good as the people who make them and their ability to enforce the non performance clause with remediation. This article addresses level 2-4 FLR. If you have chosen a level 1 or do not desire a FLR you will need a more traditional agreement.

“We haven’t had classes on building harmonious relationships in our schools. In order to establish a truthful intimate and fulfilling relationship between yourself and someone you care about, you must negotiate a mutual gain in the important issues of your life.”

divorce mag

Why don’t more people make relationship agreements?

There is not much solid data but there may be many reasons women and men choose not to make formal relationship agreements. Formalized relationships seem less like falling in love. Most people get into relationships because they become passionate about each other and have chemistry. It seems so complicated. Matters of the heart are hard to govern. Faith-based relationships already have rules don’t they? If he loves me he will naturally do what I want. We as people are most hopeful and often disappointed.

Making an agreement that works for both

     The process of making an agreement begins when both parties tell what they want from their relationship and how they see life direction going for the couple. Assuming you created a strategy for your relationship, you can use elements of your strategy as broad paragraph headers and write how you want to move closer to those ideals. Then take the time to decide who is responsible for what so you can make progress; and how you are going to communicate progress/change/failure. All relationships agreements need a way to deal with non performance.

The Preamble

Title: Relationship Agreement. This agreement is about how we want to proceed as a couple. We ______________ and ________________ (your names) enter into this agreement on ________________________ (date) together. We want this agreement to be the guiding principles for our relationship and reflect our design for the ideal relationship we are working for. This agreement is for a period of __________ (1 day, 1 month, 1 year, 5 years).

Affirm your ideals

     If you have not yet done so take the time to create a list of what make a relationship ideal for each of you and together decide what you would like to include in your agreement. These should be broad ideas. Be sure not to get overly specific.

     We affirm that our ideal relationship includes ____________________________ and does not include _________________________.

Affirm your faith, hope and/or guiding principles including your relationship strategy.

     Faith, hope and guiding principles acts as the moral compass you are using to direct your lives. It might be something directly aimed at your relationship or broader. [Examples: We believe we are better as a couple than we are apart. We believe we are on the earth to make it a better place to live. We believe our mission in life is to promote opportunities for women to lead. We believe we are setting a new social norm.]

     We affirm our ______________ (faith or guiding principles) in that we believe _____________________________________

Make an agreement to review this agreement from time to time and to vow to it

     This will bring you both closer together. All agreements need a way to be reexamined / adjusted and a way to reaffirm that you still believe in them. There is no better way than having a way to affirm, review and make changes.

     We agree to meet as a couple each ______________ (month, quarter, year) to read and make adjustments to this agreement. We further agree that at points of stress _____ (she, he any) may call for a meeting to read and make adjustments. Further, after making changes we agree to verbally affirm our agreement.

Make your declaration of Female Leadership

     We declare and affirm our belief that a female led relationship is right for us. As such we have agreed that the role of the woman in our relationship is ______________ (leader, head, superior*) and the role of the man is __________________ (supportive, follower, servant, inferior**)

*Don’t be afraid of the word “superior” Tt does not affirm that women are superior just that there is a hierarchy of decision-making. **Inferior does not describe a person or gender here but a hierarchal relationship.

Grant and limit responsibility and the authority as you want it

     You will need to choose how to divide the food groups leadership and other areas of life she or he will control or share; and how you intend to protect the non-leader by limiting the decision making power of the leader. Votes and vetoes can be listed her as well.

     We agree that she will lead/control/manage __________________________________________ (list the food group) and he will lead/control/manage _______________________________ (list the food group or enter “not applicable”). They both will share management of ____________________________ (list the food group or enter “not applicable”). She is limited by/to ______________________________________ (or just insert the words “no limits imposed” if there are none). He is limited by/to ______________________________________. They are limited by/to ___________________________________ or otherwise agree to make decisions equally by vote.. If you have vetoes list them here.

Decide how you are going to handle conflict and change

We agree that, should conflict arise, we will first attempt to work it out by conversing together. If needed, we will create a formal document where the conflict is registered and the remediation is written. Should that fail, we are committed to enter into mediation with a mutually agreeable third party (in level 2-4 you may grant the final word to her). Both of us commit to learning from our conflict by making changes to this agreement and our communication in an attempt for less conflict in the future.

Decide what how you are going to handle non performance

     Remediation (remedy) is a solution to the problem most often characterized by a penalty. You will need to spend some time thinking about roles here. Think about corrective action, punishment, and how to terminate this agreement.

     In the event of non performance, we agree to remediation. Remediation include the reading of this agreement where the non performance has occurred, the agreement by both parties that non performance has occurred, and the submission of either or both parties to the consequence of non performance. Further this document may be reviewed and amended upon non performance after the consequence/remediation administered, if called for by the non offending party to call out the non-performance in more detail. Failure to accept complete remediation will make this agreement null and void.

     Non performance remediation for the man is ________________________________________ and may also include ______________________________________ (add an attachment if needed). The remedy will be administered no less than ___________________ (1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week) after non-performance has been called and documented. Further, if the non-performance offense is of sufficient weight for the woman to lose confidence in her leadership, she may call for ________________________________________________

     Non-performance remediation for the woman is ________________________________________ and may also include ______________________________________. The remedy will be administered no less than ___________________ (1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week) after non performance has been called and documented. Further, if the non performance offense gives sufficient to cause for the man to lose confidence in her leadership she/he may call for ________________________________________________

Decide what how you are going maintain and grow your relationship

     We agree we want to keep our relationship vital by ________________________________________________________________________________ together

Decide what kind of formal rules, rituals and traditions you want

     If you are going to have ceremony and/or formal rules, list them here so if they are broken you can recognize non-performance, show documentation, and seek remediation. Think this over as a starting point to solving your ideal relationship deltas. Some examples ceremonies: Exchanging/giving vows based on this agreement; A ceremony formally celebrating his acknowledgement of her leadership; A surrender ceremony celebrating his release of control; A commencement ceremony to begin FLR. Some rules examples: He will remain humble and teachable; He will cease looking at any kind of porn; He will obey her at all times. Some examples of traditions: As a sign of respect for her leadership, he will defer to her in public situations. As a sign of their FLR, he will always refer to their relationship as Mrs. and Mr. As a sign of his respect for her leadership, he will openly acknowledge her leadership. As a sign of obedience, he will kneel before her on command. Remember, he has a fantasy and you may, too. This is where you can play up to that if you are willing.

     We agree to celebrate these ceremonies as cherished _______________________________________________________ (see attachment for ceremony details). We agree to the following formal rules ____________________________________________________________ (see attachment for ceremony details). We agree to the following traditions _______________________________________ (see attachment for details)

Keeping a vital relationship

     This can include measurable time together/apart, pursuit of hobbies and interests, including/not including friendships and family, workshop, seminars, vacations, showing appreciation, anniversaries, dating and focus time as examples.

     We agree we want to keep our relationship vital by ________________________________________________________________________________ together

If you are committed to level 4 FLR create an escape clause

     We agree to the following escape clause in the event that he cannot perform: 1. A safe word. 2 A safe gesture. One each for pause and stop. His safe word for pause is _______________________, His safe gesture for pause is ______________________. His safe word for stop is ___________________. His safe gesture for stop is ________________________. She maintains the right to proceed if the pause safety is reported when she feels she needs to push boundaries. Any time the stop safety is reported, she will stop, investigate injury, and seek immediate medical attention at his request. If stop is used, and no injury reported this agreement is null and void.

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Designing An FLR

What makes relationships great?

A relationship where all involved are connected, stimulated, interested, growing and having needs and wants met is the ideal. Great relationships consist of making a commitment, active forgiveness for offenses, keeping a short memory of wrongs, framing how much active participation each want in the other’s lives, maintaining open communication and love. Love is that word that is defined in so many ways, it is a verb, and adverb, and adjective, and cognitive and a noun, so cut love some slack and agree that love is both how we feel and what we do with our feelings. Most people don’t make the effort to design a relationship; it might seem awkward to speak openly of the details of what we want. But good relationships rise above because they HAVE taken the effort to tell their partner their expectations and great relationships exist when both are better together then they are apart.

You need a strategy

     I charge for this advice in the work place but I’ll give it to you for free. If you are a manager you may have designed a strategy. Strategies are not goals but a direction to go in. Strategies include short term measurable goals, what you want to achieve and how you intend to do achieve those goals. Strategies are implemented by a plan. That plan has three parts: Part 1 addresses the things you want to accomplish and the milestones and dependencies. Part 2 addresses your weakness in accomplishing those goals. Part 3 address communication about issues and progress. That is business like and not very relationship like but you can begin to see the advantages of not leaving things to the fates.

     You don’t need a big strategy, what you want is your relationship to grow towards ideal. That means you need to look at where you are and where ideal is and measure the differences. Planners call those differences “deltas”. Here are some examples:

  • Our ideal is a high level of intimacy which includes focus time together, conversation without distractions and just being together.
  • We want a female led relationship where she is confident and feels validates and he feels his needs are being met by following and serving her.

Your noticeable deltas are:

  1. She is not yet leading.
  2. She needs more confidence.
  3. He is not yet serving and is not a very good follower.
  4. You are currently not spending much focus time, conversations are distracted, and being together is not a measurable goal.

So you create a plan to get from where you are today to that ideal relationship. The very act of planning together, writing things down, and talking is moving the process forward and accomplishing focus time.

You are creating a life strategy and an FLR agreement at the same time

1. Start your relationship strategy by affirming your ideals

     This process will give hope and bring you both closer together as you discover each other. Take time to list the elements of a relationship that make it ideal for you. Then, answer the questions about what makes it ideal for you or how to make it ideal for you. Here are some ideas” Remember these can be for both, him or her. (Choose what applies to your relationship or make up your own):

  • Our ideal relationship includes a lifetime of learning.
  • Our ideal relationship includes a vital career.
  • Our ideal relationship includes balanced living.
  • Our ideal relationship includes chemistry.
  • Our ideal relationship includes children.
  • Our ideal relationship includes common friends.
  • Our ideal relationship includes companionship.
  • Our ideal relationship includes confident decision making.
  • Our ideal relationship includes dignity.
  • Our ideal relationship includes environmental consciousness.
  • Our ideal relationship includes female leadership.
  • Our ideal relationship includes fidelity.
  • Our ideal relationship includes forgiveness.
  • Our ideal relationship includes good family relationships.
  • Our ideal relationship includes intimacy.
  • Our ideal relationship includes one leader.
  • Our ideal relationship includes personal space/privacy.
  • Our ideal relationship includes physical attraction.
  • Our ideal relationship includes physical fitness.
  • Our ideal relationship includes political consciousness.
  • Our ideal relationship includes regular and open communication.
  • Our ideal relationship includes religious beliefs and practices.
  • Our ideal relationship includes sense of humor and having fun.
  • Our ideal relationship includes separate interests.
  • Our ideal relationship includes shared and democratic leadership.
  • Our ideal relationship includes shared interests.
  • Our ideal relationship includes shared leadership.
  • Our ideal relationship includes social consciousness/awareness/respect.
  • Our ideal relationship includes stable financial environment.
  • Our ideal relationship includes time together.
  • Our ideal relationship includes trust in decision-making.
  • Our ideal relationship includes trying new things/experimentation.
  • Our ideal relationship includes vital sex life.
  • An ideal relationship does not include deception.
  • An ideal relationship does not include high stress.
  • An ideal relationship does not include high drama.

2. Decide how these apply to each of you or both equally

     Depending on how you are making decisions as a couple and what level of commitment you have to FLR, your application may vary. Here are some examples: If you are in level 1, and want shared leadership, you might decide you will make all decisions together, and not make any decision you both do not agree on. In level 2, you might agree finances will be handled by the woman leader and only decisions over a certain amount will be voted on. You may decide that she has a veto on his spending for more than a certain amount. In level 3, you will likely give full control of the 5 food groups to the female leader. You may limit her and she will make most of the decisions for your relationship (she will likely have you participate as a cherished advisor). In level 4, she will decide. Everything is under her to control.

     Think about it. In level 1, she is not making many decisions for the couple on her own, decisions are made with his approval. She cannot choose for him or lead him closer to her agenda without negotiation. In level 2, she is applying leadership, management and limited control and makes limited decisions in certain areas for him. She might choose to give him an allowance and control all money. She might ask him to exercise 1 hour, twice a day. In level 3. she is leading like a CEO. She acts on her agenda, home and choices for the couple; with full management and control. She can make decisions freely in the framework of her agreement like delegating responsibilities, removing freedoms, doling out punishment, and controling anything in her scope.

     In level 4, the woman is absolute dictator. It is simple to understand the kind of power he has given her. She will choose for him anything she wants. She can have other lovers and demand him to have fidelity to her. He might never climax again. She can change his sexuality to gay, make him a Mormon or a clown, or command he eat only cabbage. I suppose loving mates desiring full control will take this seriously.

3. Check where you are today and measure the difference.

     Suppose you decide to engage in a lifetime of learning and have a stable economic situation and want to improve both her and his education level. She has a bachelors and he did not finish college. The goal for her is a Masters and for him is a Bachelors. He needs 4-5 years in college full-time, or 10 years part-time and at she needs least 2 years in college full-time. There is a cost involved so it must be in your budget or you will need a loan. It will take time away from other activities. So you decide she will return to school for an executive MBA and he will take on all the homemaking to make time for her to study and read. He needs to learn to clean as she would so you decide he needs training and feedback until she feels he is going to be successful. The measurable goals are the milestones themselves:

  1. When he masters homemaking to her satisfaction.
  2. When she enters school.
  3. When she graduates school with an MBA.
  4. When he serves her by helping her during her studies.
  5. When he returns to school, etc.

4. Check where you are weak and plan to fix it.

     Good managers and leaders surround themselves with talented useful people who fill the gaps and take on tasks the manager does not want to do or is not good at. This is management 101. Let’s say you are committed to level 2-4 FLR and decide you want to increase your intimacy (which in this case you decide means: better sex life, no masturbation for him, more time pampering her while you both talk, he will give body rubs, foot massage and oral sex to her four times a week after she is done studying) and she will create an environment where he no longer masturbates or looks at porn. You are far away from your goal because you don’t have much intimacy now and he often does both things.

     She needs to control his free time and sex. She does not feel she can supervise him full-time, nor control his masturbation, so the plan includes her getting help. She adopts a chastity device for him which she asks him to buy, and they buy net nanny to block porn sites on his computer. Four days a week, he is to discuss with her any temptations and failures he may have had. She has agreed to give him open feedback about the pampering to help him get better and although she does not want to punish him per se, she is willing to reward him once a week with love-making together, if he has no failures and is giving his best to his part of their agreement.

     A “level 1” approach to the same goals of increased intimacy and eliminating masturbation and internet porn; might be to commit herself to sex every night with him where she is more aggressive and they both agree not a day will pass without him climaxing. This will decrease his arousal rate which drives him to look at porn. They both agree to net nanny and she will ask him after sex about temptations – they can both deal with this when it happens.

  • There is training for many of your relationship goals especially leadership.
  • There is some technology available that will fix some issues.
  • You may find another couple/person interested in FLR and get their help (community).
  • You may turn to a trusted friend for help (friends and family).
  • You may hire professional help (consultant).

5. Decide what how you are going to handle conflict

     Conflict may arise, some relationships don’t have conflict because of the high communication level or temperament of the couple. You can expect conflict in most relationships so deciding how to handle it is a good idea. There are a couple kinds of conflict to consider. such as:

  • Communication issues like: “you should have told me”, “you should have asked me”, “you need my permission”, “that is not what we agreed to.”
  • Contradictory agendas and competing interests: “I want it like that and she does not”, “I want to do something and he does not”.
  • Breach of agreements: “you were supposed to do”, “you agreed not to”, “why haven’t you done. “
  • Ticks, bugs and boners: “I hate it when you”, “why can’t you pick up your socks”, “can’t you at-least.”

     Of course all these are about expectations – anytime you say should, would, have to, must, can’t and why; you can put a quarter in the victim’s jar because there is an unspoken, un-met, unknown expectation. Conflict resolution is one of the things you can learn in business school. Create a plan to deal with conflict, decide what to do when something happens, how it will be resolved, what to do when you must escalate, and what to do if it goes unresolved.

     In level 1 FLR, a more detailed plan is needed than is in levels 2-4 FLR. The reason for the more detailed plan is the governance of the relationship is democratic. Level 2, while still democratic, also has defined authority over 1 or more of the 5 food groups and a plan/consequence for non-performance. In level 3, FLR the female has control of all 5 food groups and a plan/consequence for non-performance. In level 4 she is a dictator.

     Here are some ways to deal with conflict, discipline or punishment.

  • Level 1-2 FLR
    • Create a regular time for making changes to your relationship strategy.
    • Create a plan that has formal escalation – what to do if you cannot agree.
    • Stage 1 is a conversation to see if you can work it out without assistance.
    • Stage 2 requires negotiation and a formal resolution document.
    • resolution document included remediation (a penalty for non-performance).
    • Stage 3 you escalate to a third party you both agree on to decide for you or help you resolve.
    • Stage 0 you cannot agree, there is no resolution.
    • Document the issue and see if you can make improvements to communication next time.
  • Level 2-3 FLR
    • Create a regular time for making changes to your relationship strategy and FLR agreement.
    • There is no escalation plan – refer to the non-performance paragraph in your FLR agreement.
    • If this situation is not covered in your non-performance agreement – add it.
    • Administer the consequence for non-performance.
    • Document the issue and see if you can make improvements to communication next time.
  • Level 4 FLR
    • Create a regular time for making changes to your relationship strategy and FLR agreement.
    • She will decide what to do.

6. Answer the question – how far do I want to go with FLR?

     By now you have lots of information and it remains for her to decide what level of commitment she will have to FLR if any. If there is much do, many of deltas, and much time will pass correcting the deltas, you might consider the advantages or level 2-4 where one person can speed up the process by enacting change. If you choose level 1, you are committing yourself to working together and toughing it out with the both of you tackling issues where you are willing – many things will remain unresolved. If you decide on level 1, you need go no further reading this page, if you decide on level 2-4 then you will need a few more elements for your FLR design.

If you are committed to level 2 as a starting point

  • Delegate which food group is led, which shared, and how the leader will be limited.
  • Decide how you are going maintain and grow your relationship.
  • If you own a food group share your plan/agenda (might be short-term or long-term).
  • Create a non-performance agreement.
  • Create a time table – include a time for experiments, training, adjustment and normalization.
    • plan for experiments to help you fix the bugs in the beginning, your relationship strategy may not change but your agreement might.
    • plan for training him to do whatever it is he is going to do, this may mean purchases or having a third party help. She too may want some training to help her lead or to deal with his desires.
    • plan a period of adjustment/transition where the food group leader is monitoring closely and making corrections as needed.
    • plan a time table for normalization, when you think you can finish the transition to FLR.

If you are committed to level 3 as a starting point

  • She gets all the food groups.
  • Decide on what limits you want for the leader if any (example: both must decide over x dollar amount).
  • Decide how you are going maintain and grow your relationship.
  • Create a non-performance agreement.
  • She must publish her agenda.
  • He must formally acknowledge her as his leader.
  • Create a time table – include a time for experiments, training, adjustment and normalization.
    • plan for experiments to help you fix the bugs in the beginning, your relationship strategy may not change but your agreement might.
    • plan for training him to do whatever it is he is going to do, this may mean purchases or having a third party help. She too may want some training to help her lead or to deal with his desires.
    • plan a period of adjustment/transition where the food group leader is monitoring closely and making corrections as needed.
    • plan a time table for normalization, when you think you can finish the transition to FLR.

If you are committed to level 4 as a starting point

  • She gets all the food groups and anything else she wants.
  • She has no limits unless she decides to have them.
  • She decides how the relationship will grow and be maintained.
  • She decides about non-performance.
  • She may publish her agenda.
  • He must formally surrender to her.
  • Create a time table – include a time for experiments, training, adjustment and normalization.
    • plan for experiments to help you fix the bugs in the beginning.
    • plan for training him to do whatever it is he is going to do.
    • plan a period of adjustment/transition.
    • plan a time table for normalization.
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