Examining punishment in relationships
In business punishment means you are near to being terminated, and it is like that in traditional relationships too. In the conversation about relationships there is a trend to overlook/deny the kinds of punishment that really happen all the time. Of course most people don`t like to punish, most think it means we are treating another adult as a child. When I punished my kids I hated it but I did it because I loved them. I can’t say I love many people I work with but from time to time I have punished employees and lovers. However in an FLR he is asking for it from you, he wants it willingly as a grown-up man from his grown-up mate. That moves the conversation from punishment like a child to your loving him through some issues and maintaining some control of your relationship. All cultures have rules, laws and customs and penalties for breaking them. Most penalties are financial “punitive damages”, that takes away freedom. Think of money like energy, when you take it away it slows down the individual a little bit. This article discusses “taking the energy out of his behavior.” so you have less and less punishment over time.
In your relationship, you SHOULD have an agreement about how you will handle conflict, a relationship agreement solves lots of problems. Most issues can be handled by conversation but after a pattern of behavior is percolated to your attention, corrective action must be applied. When correction does not work then either a penalty or breach of contract are the only remedies and since we don`t want to give up our relationships we move towards “the penalty”.
Men want punishment from women in Female Led Relationships
Men say they want punishment, the reasons they want it vary but the 94% want it if she wants it. We can all agree there is a difference between correction, motivating and punishment. Punishment “to inflict a penalty for (an offense, fault, etc.)” is what one does to be punitive. Punitive measures must by their namesake be something the one being punished does not want. So if he wants you to spank him in play, spanking him is not an appropriate punishment, and worse, if you apply it you are reinforcing his behavior.
Men are asking for punishment in FLR and women are advised to look at things that cause corrections because he does not want them to happen again. Further those punishments that cause you to focus on him are actually why he got into FLR to start with, he wants your attention, approval, diversion etc…. So unless he does not like pain women should not even consider using it.
5 ways a woman can punish an adult man without physical punishment
To get to punishment you should have already gone though corrective steps such as adult corrective action, talking it over, and reminders. If you are the strict type then you would use punishment right off without any conversation and without fail.
- Adult time out
Most men get into FLR to fill some needs. One of those needs is focus time with you. Timeout disconnects that especially when he is in another room. I have heard of women using corner time in another room too. The idea is to take away all distractions and create some boredom. In time out the guy should be doing nothing. I have heard of many twists on time out but the kinkier you make it the less it will work as punishment and the longer he is in time out, “doing nothing” the better it will work.
Most of us exercise so the concept is there. The exercise itself should be tough and he must complete it or he cannot continue with his freedoms. Think of it like boot camp, where the mouthy brat has to run around the track ten times. By the end his mouth is just sucking air and no more smart cracks are coming out. Make sure he is healthy enough for this before using it.
- Remove privileges
If you are in level 3-4 remove some privileges until he demonstrated he has corrected the issue. You can use sex but if he wants chastity that wont work unless you take away his chastity devise as the removal of privilege, after all he is “privileged” that you are participating in that part of his life and you are removing that “privilege”. Better still is removal of his favorite activities and replacing them with things he does not like doing. Remember this is de motivation so be careful not to totally discourage him.
- Adding chores/less free time
Much like removal of privilege is adding things for him to do. Absolutely don`t play to his kink here, don`t make him pamper more or give you more benefits, don`t use things that humiliate either. Look for chores that take his time away from fun activities, like yard work or cleaning the car. Things that are away from you and your focused attention on him. If he wants the focus back he needs to pay the penalty and correct the issue.
- Breach of contract
This does not mean you have to end your relationship but it does say that you feel you cannot continue to lead under these circumstances which it will force him to either go back to whatever relationship you had before or renegotiate your agreement. The idea is to get more from him the second time round – that is punishment for going so far. This should be a “last resort” kind of move, when all else looks like it has failed. Make sure you are of a mind that you can trust he will keep his word next round before attempting again. Otherwise you can assign a task/penance and monitor to see that he does it to build your trust before entering into a new agreement with him.
When should I punish my man in our Female Led Relationship?
In theory you should have decided that in your relationship agreement as remediation. In practice you should use punishment as a step after correction. It takes a lot of work compared to his correcting himself.
Things you should and should NEVER do with punishment in your woman led relationship
You have boundaries and I think we all like to push boundaries from time to time, but if you are angry or frustrated that is not the time to push them. Most women think of themselves as reasonable and at least a little bossy. That is the correct approach.
- ALWAYS: have a goal in mind for your participation in punishment – leadership 101
- ALWAYS: choose punishments you are comfortable with – you lead, this is a time for leadership
- NEVER: go beyond your agreed limits – there are so many reasons this is good advice.
- NEVER: mix anger with punishment – if you are angry and want to wack him then by all means do it but don`t call it punishment because you are getting pleasure out of it and he is learning nothing.