Trying to Change My Marriage from Traditional to Female Led

After years of marriage and dropping hints, one man decides it’s time to ask for a FLR.

Trying to Change My Marriage from Traditional to Female Led

Let me start by saying that as I read about all these success stories of FLRs, transforming marriages so that couples live happily ever after, yada yada… I have my doubts. I can’t help but think that some of these stories aren’t real, made up to sell erotic stories and clicks on blogs.

I wish it were true. After all these years, I think what I want might be too extreme and not something I really want, that it is just a fantasy. I shouldn’t think that, and my desires are normal, but maybe I will never get over the feeling.

I never spoke to any past girlfriends about my kinks. I only gave subtle hints and came to the impression that it would be a disaster to go any further. Girlfriends always asked me about my fantasies — magazines like Cosmo must convince them to do so — and I always thought the best answer was to lie and say I don’t have any. I assumed (because I have had little actual experience with actual conversation about it) that 99 percent of women would respond with one of two answers when I told them about my secret desires.

The first answer would be to treat me like a freak, or psycho “who needs help,” and that they would say “it is frightening to be with you for so long not knowing this about you.” They might say “What else are you not telling me” (just how sick are you?). This was basically the reaction of my wife, at least when she was angry, which was often. I have to give here credit though, because when calm and sober minded she was more open minded about it that I expected she would be.

The other response I expect from a partner when telling her about my desires was for her to say that she cannot satisfy me, and I needed to be with someone who can do so. But just because I want this fantasy doesn’t mean I don’t love her and still want to be with her if I can’t have it.

Both of these answers are the worst reactions a woman can have to her male partner telling her about his desires. And at various times I got both reactions. I don’t know when the right time to tell my partner about my desire for an FLR is. The first date, or after four or five years of marriage? My marriage is basically over. Next time I date again I might mention it on the first date. I am getting too old to wait to have what I want.

I have lived in China for almost ten years and have been with my Chinese wife for 9 1/2 years. We have a four year old daughter. It is my first marriage and first child, even though I am 51. I am going to America with my daughter in a few weeks. My wife cannot come because she cannot get a green card so I have to pay for an immigration lawyer to be able to have her come later — maybe a year. This is hard on my daughter but a new start is best for her, and frankly my marriage is in such a shambles that my wife doesn’t want to come anyway, and wouldn’t care if she didn’t.

Last summer I told my wife that she could whip me with a bamboo stick when I disobeyed her about house holding and parenting matters. I wrote a contract with specific terms and duties. She agreed and we did it for a few weeks. The system broke down because she would not do any punishment without my asking. Asking to be punished ruins the experience for me. More than that she wasn’t interested in doing it or taking any sort of lead. She didn’t think I had any ability to do domestic chores to her liking and had no interest in “training me” or even giving me any written instructions to remind me of my daily routine. (I have ADHD and am forgetful). She ridiculed my efforts to basically be her slave on the weekends.

My wife can be very mean and angry, and she is most days.. Shouting at me and calling me stupid, and a loser. She seems to have the kind of personality that makes her bully. She seems well suited for this role at firsts glance, but maybe not, because she can’t control her anger. I would accept her verbal abuse in exchange for domination with regular whippings. But I realize now that her personality is not good for being a strong leader. She loses control too easily and is not a successful person in most respects. She hasn’t had a job since we have been together and is probably too old to care for one child and cooking and house holding even though I hire cooks and nannies. She is never happy with them and eventually fires them making our live more miserable. Our lives are chaos and she can’t make me the kind of man she wants — more successful in my career or as a husband. She is just a bitch, if you will pardon me for using the term. There is no advantage to either of us or our marriage by her being bossy, and without the FLR like I want there is nothing for me.

She says she doesn’t want to hurt me physically which is one reason she is reluctant whip me. I know she can’t control her anger and that she loves me. Whipping won’t cause permanent injury, however, and the marks would even be kinky and sexy reminders of her power. In any case, I have tried to explain that her almost constant shouting and angry cruel words hurt me more than a whipping would. And I have said she could still be able to talk to me however she wants to if she just gave me this in return. My wife told me that she doesn’t want to do it as a punishment, or that she thinks it wouldn’t work because I could never be able to do what she wants. But why not try it? I would even agree to let her do it as a reward, once a week for good behavior, and although I think this is not the best way to do it, she seems more intrigued by this arrangement. If she is angry, which is very often, I think she feels that she doesn’t want to do something that makes me happy.

She burned me with hot water once when she was angry about the house not being clean to her liking. I argued in my defense, shouting “you live here too, so if I am a slob so are you.” I still have the scars on my arm from the second degree burns. This is the kind of thing that made me think she could be a good dominant wife, but I concluded that she is just crazy and mean.

One thing that happened last summer is that I agreed to get my weight below 110 kg, 240lbs. I blew through that in a few months. (I am now 210lbs, down form 270). I never tell anyone, but she agreed to whip me if I didn’t meet my weigh goals and it worked — it was great motivation for me to lose weight as I have never done. I was convinced she would actually do it, and she never had to. These are the kinds of things that, at a minimum, I want for a FLR. Another thing we did, I gave her the right to control how much I drank, and I reduced that to once a week. She also took total control of my finances and hid my bank cards, which was not part of our contract, but I thought it was cool that she took that step.

Other than these important first steps, however, it just didn’t work because she was just a bitch and I got nothing in exchange. She would never inflict any punishment — whipping — without being asked, even though almost always anger with me about something. As I have said, asking for it ruins the experience because; it does feel like a real sub/dom relationship. She wouldn’t be doing it without being asked, she stopped after a few weeks, because I stopped asking. Also, one thing that bothered me was that when she did whip me, she just laid in bed — again, no enthusiasm.

At that time, our marriage was struggling, and we weren’t having much sex. She told me that whipping me arouses me too much and did not want me next to her in bed all jacked up. I have proposed paying my wife to do it, such as a fixed amount every month plus additional “fines” for additional punishment out of my share of our joint property, or handing over all of my share of joint property. As I said, I have heard of men paying hundreds of dollars per hour to go to the home of a professional dominatrix just to clean her house, mopping the floor on their knees while being whipped in the ass. I am a terrible cook, but a wife could have a husband cook as well as house holding, cooking, and parenting like waking up in the middle of the night to feed a baby — you name it. I don’t want to pay a professional to do it. I want to get it from someone I love because it is an intimate act for me, and I would prefer to keep the money in the family.

I even suggested going to a local pro domme who would discipline and train me to my wife’s satisfaction. Surprisingly, my wife even agreed to this arrangement only to change her mind later.

My wife won’t say, or at least would give the true reason, it seems, why she won’t do it. I would love to do a survey of women to see how many would desire this kind of arrangement.

For Christmas last year I told her I wanted handcuffs. She got toy ones with the safety release. I told her I wanted real ones, and she was upset because I didn’t like my present — she was angry with me because I didn’t like the present that wasn’t what I wanted. For five days I had to sleep on the couch over this, treating me like I was radioactive–one of the lowest points of our marriage. She told me she even asked her brother where she could get real handcuffs, which must have been embarrassing for her and made her even more upset. I thought it was major over-reaction. It turns out that real handcuffs are illegal in China. So what? It wasn’t that important to me. All she had to say was “I can’t get those, honey, because they are illegal in China.”

This incident seems to have made her think my desires were much more than just whipping and submission. I told her I also have BDSM fantasies. She had forgotten the few times I had tied her up during sex when we first started going out. She wanted to know basically how much more crazy shit I was into. This is why I ask “when is the right time to tell you partner everything you like, bit by bit or all at once?”

Incidentally, she wondered after four years of marriage why I only now talked about this submission fetish. I reminded her of the time we had been going out for only about 6 months — 8 years before — that I asked to be her slave for a day and did so, letting her whip me for any reason, which she did. “I didn’t know you were serious about that then,” she said. At that time, I let it go and never raised it again because she clearly was not into it and seemed not to like hurting me. But how could she say so many years later that I never mentioned it and she had no idea after we had already done it? So again, when is the right time to tell you partner you are into that? Even when I told her early in our relationship that it was into that, and we did it, she didn’t take me seriously.

A few weeks before Christmas, we tried a new system of a “reward” of whipping at the end of the week for good behavior and only drinking on Friday. It worked OK, but she forgot to do it and the same problem arose again — having to ask or remind her. And then the handcuffs gift situation blew the whole thing apart. Anyway, there has to be a punishment. I treated the reward as a maintenance whipping to try to make it the same in my mind.

I got tired of trying to get her to do it and thinking she might do it. If only I can think of a why or some arrangement for her to do it. She has no interest, whatsoever, but continues to be one of the meanest people I have ever known, while I get no benefit from her cruelty. It doesn’t make me more successful or happier. I feel emotional and verbal trauma.

Having ADHD and no ability to get any medicine or treatment here in China makes it very difficult, plus the difference in culture and my limited knowledge of the Chinese language. My wife has to do things for me and more and more refuses. I would do anything within my ability for her if only she could just be a good leader with just this one thing I ask her to do as a means to lead.

I am absentminded and forgetful. Regular whippings, I really do believe would make me more focused and I think happier to be in the kind of lifestyle I really want. She just is clearly the wrong person to do it. I need to be with someone who can do it, but I think it will be very difficult to find it, as much as websites like yours promote the idea that FLRs are the greatest things there is for marriages and so many people are doing it. I hope you are right and I can find it.

Upon my research reading several articles and books by professionals and people in the lifestyle, I had some revelations that might explain my wife’s reluctance. First is that the women don’t know what is in it for them. They don’t know how to make men serve their needs, not their own fantasy of being dominated. Your wives are not professional dominatrices. Second and related is that domination is a hard job and training your man to be obedient takes work and experience. This defeats the purpose of making her life easier. This might be the reason she won’t do it for punishment, even though I convinced her to agree to do it once a week as a reward for drinking only with her permission. As I said before a reward system is not ideal. Anyway, the once a week sessions might start to become just routine and not for the reward, so if it is like a maintenance whippings that is a start. Finally, and this might not be part of my wife’s calculation, but some professional raises a good point about women not wanting to dominate losers. Any appeal for a woman to dominate is the power they have over strong confident men that other women would want. They still want to be in a relationship, femdom or not, with the kind of man they are attracted to. This is a point that despite having this desire for a long time, I never considered. So much of the time during my life I’ve been overweight, unemployed, and drinking heavily. I thought I would be the perfect guy for a project for a woman that wanted a submissive man to whip into shape. But no woman wants that. I now see why. One last point is that the experts believe the submissive man should start doing more to show he is serious about his submission, taking more initiative without being asked to do so. One of my problems is that I have great difficulty trying to figure out what someone wants without being asked to do to it. Also, I much prefer to be bossed around to do something than to take the initiative without being asked, unless regular routine daily chores. To be ordered and punished just feels more like power than to volunteer. Giving my wife the power is what I want, doing something just because I want her to be happy does feel like being coerced to do it, which is what I desire. In any case it would be very hard to train despite my enthusiasm to serve and obey. I am sure my wife would like that as it would show that her effects in discipline, if she every agreed to do that would bear fruit. And be worth the effort in the long run.

My wife has agreed to let me see a dominatix to squelch this desire. She is convinced that I cannot be happy unless the kink is satisfied, and that my entire problem in life stems from this failure to meet that need. She is wrong about the last part. Life can go on just as it is – such as having sex while fantasizing about my desires in order to have an orgasm, or masturbating. Hiring a pro won’t really do it. My domination fetish must be done by my wife, or someone with whom I have a committed relationship, someone I love and trust who loves me enough to care and defend my health and welfare. It is best to be married because only legal marriage has the necessary obligation best protects you from serious harm, while relinquishing all power to her completely. (You don’t want to be left chained to the bed, so you miss work and get fired for instance, or sustain very serious life-threatening injuries. And there are hard limits that a wife would respect, especially knowing her and the things she would not like to do to me. You can probably trust a pro, but the problem with a pro is that you can’t have the full submissive lifestyle. She will likely have her own life and her own boyfriend. Another reason I don’t want a pro is that they simply cost too much. $300 per hour is too much just to be handcuffed and whipped when you could find people who would be willing to do it for much less or for free. I would feel like a sucker being taken advantage of, but I would do almost anything to have my kinks fulfilled. They know this so that is why they can charge so much, but it makes me angry. It is like they are drug dealers taking money from people who can’t control their desires, giving them money until they are broke. I am just a school teacher; I can’t really afford it, I refuse to be exploited. Now it might be worth it a few times if the experience is everything I hoped it would be. While I haven’t spent a lot of time looking, when I have, I never got the feeling that it would fully satisfy me, from first impressions. Once 25 years ago, I visited a whorehouse in Reno, Nevada. No one there had any handcuffs and treated me like a creep by asking for that. I never got even an erection and they took my money and stole another $150 from my wallet. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I told the cops, and they didn’t believe me because “These girls don’t need to steal. They make more money than all of us.” they said. This nightmare crushed my hopes and for many years I never sought after it again. In those days there was no social media, and the internet wasn’t very good, so I had no idea how to get it.

A professional dominatrix would be worth the high cost if she could work with my wife to train me to best serve and obey my wife according to her needs, so my wife doesn’t have to do the work, that would the perfect scenario. In that case once properly trained I could stop going after a few months until my wife decided to send me back to her for more punishment. In this way the professional would be working for my wife and be her executioner, basically. I love this idea of obedience training for husbands. If it took several sessions to get to that point, my wife and I would both find marital bliss. In fact, I love the idea of being dominated by two women. Once my wife got used to punishing me at home I could be punished twice, once by each woman for the same offense.


I am a teacher and single dad in a small town near Sacramento. I am tall and athletic. I recently lost 60 pounds but need some discipline to keep it off. I lived abroad for ten years and have just recently returned to the US. I am a liberal, feminist, and an atheist (and a 49ers fan). I like to discuss politics and philosophy with people who can do so calmly, honestly a reasonably. I am highly educated. I enjoy writing and I am writing some fiction books about kinks. I wrote a post this website recently. I have had BDSM and submission kinks all my life and never told anyone except my wife. We are separated now and she lives overseas. I am looking for a level 3 or 4 FLR in committed relationship.

This Post Has 14 Comments

  1. henpecked

    What you describe is a very unhappy and sometimes abusive wife. She doesn’t respect you and has a lot of anger toward you. I think what your saying is that you can accept this if she agrees to discipline you by smacking your ass when she gets angry. But it sounds like she has no interest in that. I understand when you say it’s not satisfying to have to ask to be disciplined.

    You have a 4-year-old daughter, so I hope things get better. I am not so sure it will get better when your wife moves to the USA. It may get worse.

    You say she doesn’t want to come to the USA because your marriage is so bad. Maybe time apart will be good for you. I am surprised she agreed that you take your daughter to the USA. Your wife won’t miss her daughter?

    Sounds like a bad situation. I hope things get better. Maybe concentrate on your daughter and your own well being. Maybe best to not talk about FLR with your wife until things get better.

  2. Spartan519

    You’re in very deep trouble, so I’m going to recommend professional help — and there is a website to find such professionals, both local to you and online. It’s called the “KAP Directory”, you can Google it.

  3. ScottC

    Thanks for the advice. What do you mean by “deep” trouble? I admit we are having problems and I don’t think much can be done. I agree that I wish my wife would got with me to counseling. I asked her before, but that isn’t really a thing in China, it seems. Are you and expert or professional counselor? She is in China now and we are separated but can try again when she comes to visit. I hope we can figure it out, but I still want and FLR, and I don’t know if a counselor can help with that.

  4. Scott, it seems like your need for physical punishment is central to your need in an FLR. Do you see personal satisfaction in pleasing your wife or that she punish you? How about working out an agreement with her where you do most of the house work and the shopping and cooking? Learn how to cook the things she likes (ask her to train you if she can already cook certain things well), this goes for cleaning and household chores. During intimacy, ensure her needs are met first and add stuff she might like, be spontaneous and adventurous. Also, be willing to forgo her reciprocating and let her know that your perfectly okay with it, but not all the time. Maybe start slow and ask her to grade your efforts in the above areas and then deliver you a spanking after you have pleased her during intimacy .. see if she’s willing ahead of time to give you a playful spanking related to how well you have done all the tasks required to keep the house running.

    I was in a similar boat with my late wife (died of brain cancer last year). I approached about chastity and at first she was not into it. I didn’t push the subject with her but focused on her pleasure and added some new stuff that I found out she *really* liked. I wore a chastity device while pleasuring her and when she saw it on didn’t reciprocate , but would tease me a bit.

    I think it’s a good thing that you lost weight and cut back on your drinking, for health reasons. Perhaps you could get into working out (gym) to build your physique so that when your wife comes to stay she sees a different person?

    My late wife was finally warming up to chastity play with me, but unfortunately was the. diagnosed with brain cancer and my entire focus became trying to help her survive.

    Believe it or not, what’s missing in my life right now is a female partner to please. Got some things to get in order, but I’ll be seeking in the near future an FLR as to be honest, my wife was a bit dominant anyway and I became accustomed to this after 28 years of marriage.

  5. ScottC

    Thanks for those encouraging words. But there is no hope for my wife and me. She goes bat shit every time the subject comes up. She can never accept that about me even just agree to disagree. We are separated now and she lives in China and can’t get a visa. She thinks a I am pervert and a danger to kids. She called the VA to try to get me lo ked up, she threatens to out me to my conservative family and friends and already told my daughter’s teacher in China, who is American and just went “Meh.” She is really fucked up. I know we aren’t supposed to, but I told my wife: domination or divorce.

    I wish women would be the ones to take control and demand submission of their husbands. They should require cages before saying “i do, there should be prenups, etc. Society needs to accept it openly as they have gays then more couples would surely do it and it would be easier to find a partner.

    I’m never going to have this! I am 51 and have wanted it for 40 years — since puberty. There should be legitimate matchmakers for this — A Table for Six for kink. I don’t know where to meet people who want this and there are too many scams online. Recently, I was nearly taken in by a women (I assume, but who knows) who made me promises and told me what I wanted to hear and my extreme desires almost made me a sucker. A very real risk we face. I don’t really want to pay for a session –they are strangers. I want to be a sub to a woman who loves me and cares about me. I never want vanilla sex again. I would rather die lonely. It really pisses me off and I can’t understand why most women don’t want this.

  6. ScottC

    We can’t woman understand that over half of men have this fetish, according to surveys. And many more lie. I would have lied if asked in my 20’s. All they have to do is demand it from him. They have a better than 50/50 chance he will agree. I have heard all the reasons why woman say the don’t like it and it makes sense and helps me understand. I think the idea needs to be openly discussed.
    I have written a great kink femdom fiction book and ideas out there for help publishing?

    Any dominant woman out there reading this? I am here for you.

  7. ScottC

    My frustrations continue. I was almost taken in by a scam, someone pretending to be a domme trying to exploit my fetish, doing errands for her, while she told me she would be out of town for months, only wanting to talk and Signal, etc. No huge loss just a few gifts, but huge waste of time.

    Online dating is bullshit, but I don’t how to find what I want any other way. where do dominant woman hangout?

  8. Bunny_0

    Scott, I understand your kinks.. And probably have a lot of them myself. I think.. if we are truthful, that a lot of dominant women just have a traditional vanilla lifestyle. If they’re good looking, intelligent and demanding, they can CHOOSE to either wok and be a Bosswife, or stay at home, have a wealthy husband who works, and they have staff to do all of the housework etc. It’s not easy chum. I married my wife thinking she was dominant (Having had the hot woman in shiny clothes restraining me and abusing me fetish for quite some time..) and she is in fact ADD and ADHD – lol who knew? I’m now leaning towards the idea that I’m possibly neurodiverse, and the kink thing is an extension of that. There seems to be quite an overlap with ND & kink?

  9. Joe

    My advice is to just give it a rest. Your life is a mess. No dominant woman is going to get involved in your life right now. Stop talking to your soon-to-be ex-wife about domination. She is not into it. Just drop it. She is enraged with you and think you are a pervert (your words). Try to have a cordial relationship so you can have some contact with your daughter.

    If I were you, I would remove your photo from aboutflr and maybe post somewhere anonymously. This does not look good. What if your family or employer saw all this? That doesn’t worry you? Some things should just be private or anonymous.

  10. ScottC

    thanks for that advice Joe. Actually daughter is will me in America. As for the connections between D/s and ADHD I often wondered myself if there was a link — I have ADHD.

  11. subgent007

    Scott, this is going to sound harsh. But after reading your story and your answers to comments, it appears everything is all about you. Most all your statements start with “I want” or “Why can’t women” your post comes off needy and self centered.

    I am 57 years old and am in the same boat as you with desiring a FLR. the first half of your story is an absolute mirror of mine.I am a divorced father of 2 daughters and my relationship experiences being a submissive male are almost exact replicas of what your story is. So I speak from a position of empathy.

    I encourage you to focus on becoming the best version of yourself. Your first task is to straighten out your life. That means resolve, in whatever way possible, your marriage,mend or divorce (after hearing your side I would recommend divorce, but that’s me) and be a present and engaged father to your daughter. That is your prime function as a father. You have responsibility for a young life and I suggest you set aside your immaturity and focus on being a good father and not on trying to find someone to “domme” you.

    Once you get that in order and some stability, then start focusing on being a less needy sub. Focus on what you can bring to the table to make yourself attractive to a dominant woman. Quit putting your needs and your wants ahead of them. By making demands and requesting women to do what you want you’re basically topping from the bottom.

    I will end with this quote from the book “Uniquely Rika” For the man, the trick in finding happiness in a D/s relationship is to understand what makes his partner happy. Their mission together is to find the dominant role which is completely within her character, to which he can submit. The key to a successful D/s relationship is to ADD the exchange of power to the dynamics of the Foundation Relationship rather than to replace it. The idea is that when he submits, he does so to her unique identity. Her domination will be different than any other he has ever read or dreamed about, since she is different than anyone else he’s ever met. Because he is submitting to the unique person she is, with her unique style, there will be no doubt it is her he desires. She is his lover, to whom he submits…not a character in leather with a whip.” The book: ‘Uniquely Rika’
    Blessings on you and your family. I truly hope you can find peace and a happy fulfilling relationship.

  12. ScottC

    Thanks. I don’t find it harsh at all. I appreciate the honesty. As I have tried to understand the reasons why women and wives don’t want to dominate, and to understand woman, this issues always comes up — your are being too needy. I think it absolutely was the case and I did not understand this aspect at first.

    1. The Mistress

      That’s it!
      Women are often already experiencing a lot of demands for their time, attention and affection.

      In order to make an FLR appeal by to them, I would recommend demonstrating how your submission can make their lives easier and more enjoyable. Focus on her, how can you serve her? How can you put her first?
      To me, this is what opened the door to the deeper levels of submission, discipline and ownership.

  13. The Mistress

    As the head of my household and relationship- a level 4FLR- I want to let you know that there is still a need for basic respect and dignity within the relationship.
    Yes, my Pet surrenders to me in every aspect of our lives, I am in complete control… but I never diminish him as a man. His acts of surrender are acts of devotion to me, acts of adoration. I may still whip and paddle him, deny him access to me sexually or tease and taunt him- but we maintain a loving and playful energy as well.
    D/S relationships have the potential to fall into abusive behaviors- please, everyone, be careful who you choose to enter into an agreement with.

    As far as when is the best time to tell someone about your fantasy- I would introduce that information when you have your first few talks about sexual health, sexual safety, and each others desires. I recommend these talks happen fairly early as sexual compatibility is highly important for long term success.

    Additionally, an error I see submissive men make again and again is to focus on their own desire for submission, rather than on their partners. When my Pet confessed his desire to submit to me, I was surprised and reluctant at first. I didn’t want to hurt or harm him- it took me time and exploration to learn what form my dominance takes, what makes it fun and exciting for me, and that no matter what I do to him he will love me endlessly. We started small, and built over time. It gave him a chance to prove to me that my dominance delighted him, and actually made my life better and more enjoyable too.
    When he makes me dinner, he is submitting.
    When he brings me flowers, he is submitting.
    When he pleasures me, he is submitting.

    You can infuse every mundane act with devotion in the right dynamic.

    Being nasty, mean, cruel, shaming, or demeaning a submissive is not with FLR is about for me. No matter how strong and powerful my Pet is, he will never surpass my power and loving capacity. ♥️

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