Trying to Change My Marriage from Traditional to Female Led

After years of marriage and dropping hints, one man decides it’s time to ask for a FLR.

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Trying to Change My Marriage from Traditional to Female Led

Let me start by saying that as I read about all these success stories of FLRs, transforming marriages so that couples live happily ever after, yada yada… I have my doubts. I can’t help but think that some of these stories aren’t real, made up to sell erotic stories and clicks on blogs.

I wish it were true. After all these years, I think what I want might be too extreme and not something I really want, that it is just a fantasy. I shouldn’t think that, and my desires are normal, but maybe I will never get over the feeling.

I never spoke to any past girlfriends about my kinks. I only gave subtle hints and came to the impression that it would be a disaster to go any further. Girlfriends always asked me about my fantasies — magazines like Cosmo must convince them to do so — and I always thought the best answer was to lie and say I don’t have any. I assumed (because I have had little actual experience with actual conversation about it) that 99 percent of women would respond with one of two answers when I told them about my secret desires.

The first answer would be to treat me like a freak, or psycho “who needs help,” and that they would say “it is frightening to be with you for so long not knowing this about you.” They might say “What else are you not telling me” (just how sick are you?). This was basically the reaction of my wife, at least when she was angry, which was often. I have to give here credit though, because when calm and sober minded she was more open minded about it that I expected she would be.

The other response I expect from a partner when telling her about my desires was for her to say that she cannot satisfy me, and I needed to be with someone who can do so. But just because I want this fantasy doesn’t mean I don’t love her and still want to be with her if I can’t have it.

Both of these answers are the worst reactions a woman can have to her male partner telling her about his desires. And at various times I got both reactions. I don’t know when the right time to tell my partner about my desire for an FLR is. The first date, or after four or five years of marriage? My marriage is basically over. Next time I date again I might mention it on the first date. I am getting too old to wait to have what I want.

I have lived in China for almost ten years and have been with my Chinese wife for 9 1/2 years. We have a four year old daughter. It is my first marriage and first child, even though I am 51. I am going to America with my daughter in a few weeks. My wife cannot come because she cannot get a green card so I have to pay for an immigration lawyer to be able to have her come later — maybe a year. This is hard on my daughter but a new start is best for her, and frankly my marriage is in such a shambles that my wife doesn’t want to come anyway, and wouldn’t care if she didn’t.

Last summer I told my wife that she could whip me with a bamboo stick when I disobeyed her about house holding and parenting matters. I wrote a contract with specific terms and duties. She agreed and we did it for a few weeks. The system broke down because she would not do any punishment without my asking. Asking to be punished ruins the experience for me. More than that she wasn’t interested in doing it or taking any sort of lead. She didn’t think I had any ability to do domestic chores to her liking and had no interest in “training me” or even giving me any written instructions to remind me of my daily routine. (I have ADHD and am forgetful). She ridiculed my efforts to basically be her slave on the weekends.

My wife can be very mean and angry, and she is most days.. Shouting at me and calling me stupid, and a loser. She seems to have the kind of personality that makes her bully. She seems well suited for this role at firsts glance, but maybe not, because she can’t control her anger. I would accept her verbal abuse in exchange for domination with regular whippings. But I realize now that her personality is not good for being a strong leader. She loses control too easily and is not a successful person in most respects. She hasn’t had a job since we have been together and is probably too old to care for one child and cooking and house holding even though I hire cooks and nannies. She is never happy with them and eventually fires them making our live more miserable. Our lives are chaos and she can’t make me the kind of man she wants — more successful in my career or as a husband. She is just a bitch, if you will pardon me for using the term. There is no advantage to either of us or our marriage by her being bossy, and without the FLR like I want there is nothing for me.

She says she doesn’t want to hurt me physically which is one reason she is reluctant whip me. I know she can’t control her anger and that she loves me. Whipping won’t cause permanent injury, however, and the marks would even be kinky and sexy reminders of her power. In any case, I have tried to explain that her almost constant shouting and angry cruel words hurt me more than a whipping would. And I have said she could still be able to talk to me however she wants to if she just gave me this in return. My wife told me that she doesn’t want to do it as a punishment, or that she thinks it wouldn’t work because I could never be able to do what she wants. But why not try it? I would even agree to let her do it as a reward, once a week for good behavior, and although I think this is not the best way to do it, she seems more intrigued by this arrangement. If she is angry, which is very often, I think she feels that she doesn’t want to do something that makes me happy.

She burned me with hot water once when she was angry about the house not being clean to her liking. I argued in my defense, shouting “you live here too, so if I am a slob so are you.” I still have the scars on my arm from the second degree burns. This is the kind of thing that made me think she could be a good dominant wife, but I concluded that she is just crazy and mean.

One thing that happened last summer is that I agreed to get my weight below 110 kg, 240lbs. I blew through that in a few months. (I am now 210lbs, down form 270). I never tell anyone, but she agreed to whip me if I didn’t meet my weigh goals and it worked — it was great motivation for me to lose weight as I have never done. I was convinced she would actually do it, and she never had to. These are the kinds of things that, at a minimum, I want for a FLR. Another thing we did, I gave her the right to control how much I drank, and I reduced that to once a week. She also took total control of my finances and hid my bank cards, which was not part of our contract, but I thought it was cool that she took that step.

Other than these important first steps, however, it just didn’t work because she was just a bitch and I got nothing in exchange. She would never inflict any punishment — whipping — without being asked, even though almost always anger with me about something. As I have said, asking for it ruins the experience because; it does feel like a real sub/dom relationship. She wouldn’t be doing it without being asked, she stopped after a few weeks, because I stopped asking. Also, one thing that bothered me was that when she did whip me, she just laid in bed — again, no enthusiasm.

At that time, our marriage was struggling, and we weren’t having much sex. She told me that whipping me arouses me too much and did not want me next to her in bed all jacked up. I have proposed paying my wife to do it, such as a fixed amount every month plus additional “fines” for additional punishment out of my share of our joint property, or handing over all of my share of joint property. As I said, I have heard of men paying hundreds of dollars per hour to go to the home of a professional dominatrix just to clean her house, mopping the floor on their knees while being whipped in the ass. I am a terrible cook, but a wife could have a husband cook as well as house holding, cooking, and parenting like waking up in the middle of the night to feed a baby — you name it. I don’t want to pay a professional to do it. I want to get it from someone I love because it is an intimate act for me, and I would prefer to keep the money in the family.

I even suggested going to a local pro domme who would discipline and train me to my wife’s satisfaction. Surprisingly, my wife even agreed to this arrangement only to change her mind later.

My wife won’t say, or at least would give the true reason, it seems, why she won’t do it. I would love to do a survey of women to see how many would desire this kind of arrangement.

For Christmas last year I told her I wanted handcuffs. She got toy ones with the safety release. I told her I wanted real ones, and she was upset because I didn’t like my present — she was angry with me because I didn’t like the present that wasn’t what I wanted. For five days I had to sleep on the couch over this, treating me like I was radioactive–one of the lowest points of our marriage. She told me she even asked her brother where she could get real handcuffs, which must have been embarrassing for her and made her even more upset. I thought it was major over-reaction. It turns out that real handcuffs are illegal in China. So what? It wasn’t that important to me. All she had to say was “I can’t get those, honey, because they are illegal in China.”

This incident seems to have made her think my desires were much more than just whipping and submission. I told her I also have BDSM fantasies. She had forgotten the few times I had tied her up during sex when we first started going out. She wanted to know basically how much more crazy shit I was into. This is why I ask “when is the right time to tell you partner everything you like, bit by bit or all at once?”

Incidentally, she wondered after four years of marriage why I only now talked about this submission fetish. I reminded her of the time we had been going out for only about 6 months — 8 years before — that I asked to be her slave for a day and did so, letting her whip me for any reason, which she did. “I didn’t know you were serious about that then,” she said. At that time, I let it go and never raised it again because she clearly was not into it and seemed not to like hurting me. But how could she say so many years later that I never mentioned it and she had no idea after we had already done it? So again, when is the right time to tell you partner you are into that? Even when I told her early in our relationship that it was into that, and we did it, she didn’t take me seriously.

A few weeks before Christmas, we tried a new system of a “reward” of whipping at the end of the week for good behavior and only drinking on Friday. It worked OK, but she forgot to do it and the same problem arose again — having to ask or remind her. And then the handcuffs gift situation blew the whole thing apart. Anyway, there has to be a punishment. I treated the reward as a maintenance whipping to try to make it the same in my mind.

I got tired of trying to get her to do it and thinking she might do it. If only I can think of a why or some arrangement for her to do it. She has no interest, whatsoever, but continues to be one of the meanest people I have ever known, while I get no benefit from her cruelty. It doesn’t make me more successful or happier. I feel emotional and verbal trauma.

Having ADHD and no ability to get any medicine or treatment here in China makes it very difficult, plus the difference in culture and my limited knowledge of the Chinese language. My wife has to do things for me and more and more refuses. I would do anything within my ability for her if only she could just be a good leader with just this one thing I ask her to do as a means to lead.

I am absentminded and forgetful. Regular whippings, I really do believe would make me more focused and I think happier to be in the kind of lifestyle I really want. She just is clearly the wrong person to do it. I need to be with someone who can do it, but I think it will be very difficult to find it, as much as websites like yours promote the idea that FLRs are the greatest things there is for marriages and so many people are doing it. I hope you are right and I can find it.

Upon my research reading several articles and books by professionals and people in the lifestyle, I had some revelations that might explain my wife’s reluctance. First is that the women don’t know what is in it for them. They don’t know how to make men serve their needs, not their own fantasy of being dominated. Your wives are not professional dominatrices. Second and related is that domination is a hard job and training your man to be obedient takes work and experience. This defeats the purpose of making her life easier. This might be the reason she won’t do it for punishment, even though I convinced her to agree to do it once a week as a reward for drinking only with her permission. As I said before a reward system is not ideal. Anyway, the once a week sessions might start to become just routine and not for the reward, so if it is like a maintenance whippings that is a start. Finally, and this might not be part of my wife’s calculation, but some professional raises a good point about women not wanting to dominate losers. Any appeal for a woman to dominate is the power they have over strong confident men that other women would want. They still want to be in a relationship, femdom or not, with the kind of man they are attracted to. This is a point that despite having this desire for a long time, I never considered. So much of the time during my life I’ve been overweight, unemployed, and drinking heavily. I thought I would be the perfect guy for a project for a woman that wanted a submissive man to whip into shape. But no woman wants that. I now see why. One last point is that the experts believe the submissive man should start doing more to show he is serious about his submission, taking more initiative without being asked to do so. One of my problems is that I have great difficulty trying to figure out what someone wants without being asked to do to it. Also, I much prefer to be bossed around to do something than to take the initiative without being asked, unless regular routine daily chores. To be ordered and punished just feels more like power than to volunteer. Giving my wife the power is what I want, doing something just because I want her to be happy does feel like being coerced to do it, which is what I desire. In any case it would be very hard to train despite my enthusiasm to serve and obey. I am sure my wife would like that as it would show that her effects in discipline, if she every agreed to do that would bear fruit. And be worth the effort in the long run.

My wife has agreed to let me see a dominatix to squelch this desire. She is convinced that I cannot be happy unless the kink is satisfied, and that my entire problem in life stems from this failure to meet that need. She is wrong about the last part. Life can go on just as it is – such as having sex while fantasizing about my desires in order to have an orgasm, or masturbating. Hiring a pro won’t really do it. My domination fetish must be done by my wife, or someone with whom I have a committed relationship, someone I love and trust who loves me enough to care and defend my health and welfare. It is best to be married because only legal marriage has the necessary obligation best protects you from serious harm, while relinquishing all power to her completely. (You don’t want to be left chained to the bed, so you miss work and get fired for instance, or sustain very serious life-threatening injuries. And there are hard limits that a wife would respect, especially knowing her and the things she would not like to do to me. You can probably trust a pro, but the problem with a pro is that you can’t have the full submissive lifestyle. She will likely have her own life and her own boyfriend. Another reason I don’t want a pro is that they simply cost too much. $300 per hour is too much just to be handcuffed and whipped when you could find people who would be willing to do it for much less or for free. I would feel like a sucker being taken advantage of, but I would do almost anything to have my kinks fulfilled. They know this so that is why they can charge so much, but it makes me angry. It is like they are drug dealers taking money from people who can’t control their desires, giving them money until they are broke. I am just a school teacher; I can’t really afford it, I refuse to be exploited. Now it might be worth it a few times if the experience is everything I hoped it would be. While I haven’t spent a lot of time looking, when I have, I never got the feeling that it would fully satisfy me, from first impressions. Once 25 years ago, I visited a whorehouse in Reno, Nevada. No one there had any handcuffs and treated me like a creep by asking for that. I never got even an erection and they took my money and stole another $150 from my wallet. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I told the cops, and they didn’t believe me because “These girls don’t need to steal. They make more money than all of us.” they said. This nightmare crushed my hopes and for many years I never sought after it again. In those days there was no social media, and the internet wasn’t very good, so I had no idea how to get it.

A professional dominatrix would be worth the high cost if she could work with my wife to train me to best serve and obey my wife according to her needs, so my wife doesn’t have to do the work, that would the perfect scenario. In that case once properly trained I could stop going after a few months until my wife decided to send me back to her for more punishment. In this way the professional would be working for my wife and be her executioner, basically. I love this idea of obedience training for husbands. If it took several sessions to get to that point, my wife and I would both find marital bliss. In fact, I love the idea of being dominated by two women. Once my wife got used to punishing me at home I could be punished twice, once by each woman for the same offense.


I am a teacher and single dad in a small town near Sacramento. I am tall and athletic. I recently lost 60 pounds but need some discipline to keep it off. I lived abroad for ten years and have just recently returned to the US. I am a liberal, feminist, and an atheist (and a 49ers fan). I like to discuss politics and philosophy with people who can do so calmly, honestly a reasonably. I am highly educated. I enjoy writing and I am writing some fiction books about kinks. I wrote a post this website recently. I have had BDSM and submission kinks all my life and never told anyone except my wife. We are separated now and she lives overseas. I am looking for a level 3 or 4 FLR in committed relationship.

This Post Has One Comment

  1. henpecked

    What you describe is a very unhappy and sometimes abusive wife. She doesn’t respect you and has a lot of anger toward you. I think what your saying is that you can accept this if she agrees to discipline you by smacking your ass when she gets angry. But it sounds like she has no interest in that. I understand when you say it’s not satisfying to have to ask to be disciplined.

    You have a 4-year-old daughter, so I hope things get better. I am not so sure it will get better when your wife moves to the USA. It may get worse.

    You say she doesn’t want to come to the USA because your marriage is so bad. Maybe time apart will be good for you. I am surprised she agreed that you take your daughter to the USA. Your wife won’t miss her daughter?

    Sounds like a bad situation. I hope things get better. Maybe concentrate on your daughter and your own well being. Maybe best to not talk about FLR with your wife until things get better.

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