Simply put FLR is when women lead men – men who want to be led by them. Of course this happens every day in all types of situations such as business, education, healthcare and home. The phenomenon is when men want/ask women to lead in their personal lives. Because women already contribute to the leadership of men and men readily accept it, there must be a difference — the passion men feel about FLR is deep and varied. Imagine a strong man, say a broker who makes 2 times a six-figure income and is otherwise successful in many ways asking his woman to led their relationship. He might ask to participate in pampering her in intimate ways; he might ask to serve her like a butler. Many men want the woman to rule over him, making demands and exacting punishment for any infraction. This scratches the surface of where men want to go for FLR. So FLR to men is deeper and richer than simply being led by a woman or following in a supportive role. It is erotic.
You should note that any man asking for FLR is crying for help. There are some real or imagined issues that are solved by FLR. It may be an issue of safety, motivation to be a better mate, an obsession with kink, deep desire to serve, a penance for something he did wrong, and effort to save the relationship, a statement of unworthiness or fanatical idea to worship a women or women in general. All of these, combinations of these, and other motivations are the reason for his cry. Remember this is a man who is likely willing to beg you for the privilege of serving you. To define his view of FLR, it is wise to get to the bottom of things, investigate exactly what he wants and get him to give full disclosure..[read more about Guide to getting full disclosure from your man…]. A word of warning, full disclosure may include things you might not want to know about your mate. Remember the Carly Simon lyrics “sometime I wish I never knew those secrets of yours”.
FLR spans the gambit from bossy women shaking things up at home to voluntary ruler/slavery. We divided FLR into 4 segments for discussion. 1) Low key female leadership where a woman leads informally and derives little benefit from leadership and has some interest in FLR. 2) Moderate female leadership where women formally lead with benefit but have little/small interest in kink and moderate interest in formal FLR. 3) Formal FLR where the woman has taken control of the [5 food groups] (element one can control), has an interest in some or perhaps all kink and has a high interest in formal FLR. Lastly 4) Extreme FLR where the woman is elevated to ruler and has a high interest in kink and formal FLR and the man is reduced to a slave. Each of these levels likely has a place where women natural nurture, give and serve their partners at some level.
rate your interest in FLR – take the quiz
“If you look at FLR it looks like the safest relationship a woman can have. She makes the rules, she sets the boundaries, she has final say and he both loves her and supports her in her role. In any other relationship, women do not enjoy that kind of freedom or safety. This is a functional model for any woman who wants more control and less strife. There should be zero downside to female led relationships when entered into with open eyes and a whole heart between two people who love each other.”A post from Asserting leadership
As we are about to describe FLR has two perspectives
Low Key Female Leadership (Level 1)
It is a guess but most likely more women would prefer to have an ideal relationship where she and her partner were relatively equal and they made decisions together, had common interests and a great sex life. Most women don’t want the idea that she would control her man. The expression “I did not sign-up for that” might slip out her mouth or perhaps “wow, that is unusual” in response to her man asking her for some of the things men want from FLR. Many women are willing to go a little ways down the path, taking more responsibility and control but are not willing to go all the way. These women likely have an interest because they love their man and not because they are interested in FLR or kink per se. So she allows him to take on more house work and pamper her a bit but the moderately to extreme kink and fantasy are left out making the experience satisfying for no one and often frustrating for all.
Possible Perspectives: From the woman’s perspective, she is attempting to make things better but is not committed to the program. From the man’s perspective, he is moving her in the right direction.
Moderate Female Leadership (Level 2)
Some women who take the request for leadership seriously indulge their man. These women may have several motivations such as “I am willing to try it”, “I could use the help”, “I am better with money than he is” and such. These rationale combined together make the experience worthy. Moderates indulge their men in service and kink to but often don’t understand why someone who wants to serve must be indulged or punished. They cannot understand “the extreme things”. They most often don’t want anything to do with punishment or very kinky activities. This level shows a real interest in trying FLR and pleasing their partner. Men with obsessive behavior sometimes push the envelope trying for more and moderates back off, giving less.
Possible Perspectives: From the woman’s perspective, she is trying to see if she can make things better and receive some benefits. She cares deeply for the well-being of her mate and is showing it. She is curious to see if it can work. From the man’s perspective he, is moving in the right direction and may be satisfied for some time. At some point, he may require more especially if he has not divulged all of his desires.
Formal Female Leadership (Level 3)
Formal FLR relationships are led by women who are sold out on the idea of leading and have a higher need for and understanding of control. Formals have digested the psychology of motivation for their men and weighed the benefits and risks of the various activities she could participate in or lead. Formals often have very servile mates who are indulged in many kinks and fantasies at whatever level the formal feels comfortable. The relationship likely looks like a reverse traditional relationship where the man is the submissive/supportive wife with the added features of male chastity, indulged kinks and servant like attention from the man to the woman. The woman likely still serves the man as well, providing a more motherly touch to him. Formals have taken charge of the 5 food groups, those areas of life that men and women can negotiate successfully: 1. Free Time (how he spends it), 2 Finances, 3. Life Direction (where they are going as a couple/family), 4. Sex, and 5. Household Chores. Formals may have a few extreme elements in their program, things that she enjoys controlling.
Possible Perspectives: From the woman’s perspective, she is trying to see if she can make things better. She likes the idea of the benefits and some of the kinks. She cares deeply for her mate’s well-being and is showing it. Motivated to make it work but understands she is in control, she must move her agenda forward. From the man’s perspective, he is content with the relationship and will be satisfied for some time. If he has not divulged all of his desires, there may be pressure for more. This pressure is already under the control of the woman who could grant the addition or shut it down with little or no consequences.
Extreme Female Leadership (Level 4)
Extreme female leadership is difficult to describe to an observer because it is so intense. Women who practice this likely have taken their man and made him into a servant, object, pet or slave. She likely enjoys elements of BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Sadomasochism, and Masochism). Those in BDSM practice things most people don’t want to know about or discuss. If you can imagine your man naked, wearing only a dog collar and a chastity device. Kneeling very still while his leader places a leash on him and trains him with a whip to obey her every word, you can visualize the extreme nature these relationships can take. I hope people will understand it’s what these couples want and they should not have to deal outsiders creating feelings of guilt because it has been agreed upon. Understand as well, that we don’t discuss BDSM much on this website.
Possible Perspectives: From the woman’s perspective, there may be several scenarios 1) she is indulging herself in dark dreams and desires for power, control, surrender and sex. 2) she is controlling her life so she can expand her agenda with other partners and cuckold him. 3) she has a desire to break him and rebuild such as a boot camp experience, so she gets a man she wants. From the man’s perspective, he has fallen into it and likely cannot think of anything else. He may or may not get everything he wants but he is on his way.
This Post Has 21 Comments
Yeah interesting. I think some relationships would fall between 2 and 3.
You say a man is crying out for help if bringing up FLR to his wife? Does he’s need therapy? Is he having some breakdown? The woman assumes hwme really wants an FLR (unaware he is having a crisis). The plans and rules are set up. That’s when he’ll really shed tears (as in what did I get myself into). All your literature is written into inform the woman. To answer her questions. What about his questions. As well you inform about all the good in an FLR and none of the things that can go wrong. Like: loss of identity, abuse, she has all the money but is not very good handling it (maybe she has a gambling problem)? Like: loss of his friends and social life, loss of his job and career, loss of his comfort, loss of his own health (being naked in the middle of winter, even if there is central heat in the home – must be real fun!)? Loss of his sexuality, loss of his sanity (when men leave these relationships they often commit suicide). I would think you might want to mention these “Minor” pitfalls.
Were you in a FLR gone wrong? It looks like you lost a lot.
I don’t think a “proper” FLR would reach these extremes. The pitfalls that you mention seem much more in tune with the Dominatrix / submissive situation than domestic FLR.
Please be mindful of all FLRs are not created equally. Some FLRs have the dominatrix element to it. In fact any FLR thats incorporates corporeal punishment has an element of Dominatrix within it. It is about perspective. A Dominatrix is paid to inflict. An FLR maintains the same element of punishment, but is viewed from an alternate perspective because it is in a defined agreement that is not transactional on an hourly rate…perspective 😉
I understand how overwhelming this can be, and as woman, I am still trying to understand why any man would want to be spanked?? A slap on the ass during sex might be spicy and fun, but still, spanked? And how does all of this fit together? According to Seamus red-cheeks comment, there is a difference between the domestic FLR and the dominatrix/submissive situation. My guy seems to be into both. I don’t like shallow hurtful people, whether they are male or female, so the Dom/Sub thing appears to be damaged behavior? Your thoughts?
I love to be spanked by my wife. She doesn’t really get it either but knows it turns me on. I bought a paddle and riding crop. She has used both and prefers the riding crop. It does leave marks that will last about a week. That’s a turn on for me. If she is angry with me then she really let’s me have it. Sometimes we use bondage where I am unable to move with my ass in a vulnerable position.
I wish she would put a tattoo on my ass. So far no luck with that. So temporary crop marks will have to do lol
Dom/sub thing is something that always turned me on since a young age. It’s my sexual kink. For me FLR is a thrill and sexual turn on. For my wife it’s about obedience and being in charge of the marriage. We make it work.
I respect your thoughts and beliefs regarding the behavior of a man who wants to be spanked. Its interesting actually. The desire for spanking in both men and women has to do with physiological. Lol Yes, its true. There are pleasure senses that are stimulated in the body by way of the nerves in the buttocks. When stimulated, it ultimately creates a sexual stimuli in body and brain creating a painful pleasure of eroticism. Usually the pain is tied into something(s) tied into the past of the sub/slave or in rare cases the dominant, who enjoys a good spanking from time to time.
Wow!, First allow me to apologize for arriving to these intriguing thoughts, questions, intersections, and cries; so very late. I’ve been a member for years, and I am just now making time to truly enjoy this site.
Alright, lets dive in. I am more thsn qualified, certified and trained; to assist with answering many questions from the male’s perspective. Yes, men who choose this path of an FLR are indeed questioning themselves until their reconditioning and their subconscious have been completely rewired and restructured to fit the sculpted image of the woman. Most men wish to rationalize and torture themselves with internal questions of why and how. The factual truth, is that most reasons are different and each male respectively find themselves examining their past life for answers. The need to serve is one thing, and why the need exists is another…”does he need therapy?”…maybe-maybe not. “Is he having a nervous breakdown?”…this can become a reality for some, if they maintain an incongruous within their logical mind, their subconscious, and their physical body. There are therapists, that work within the BDSM, Dns, and Transgender communities. The best therapists assist a dominant, a submissive, a male, a female, and non-binary; with finding their own answers and their own truths respectively.
Also, do know that some men cry because they feel liberated, some men cry because they feel guilt, each cry for their own reasons. The first recognizable step when a man comes into his own, is acceptance. Then he must learn about himself, his behaviors, his feelings, his thoughts, etc. If he feels he needs to talk with someone; a therapist who specializes in these matters, would be a great idea because they are without judgment.
Im definitely level 4. It is difficult to find a real man. Im sadistic but i dont want a slave or a dog, more like a butler. Well heeled, a looker In a nice suit. Young, clean, chaste unless i want him otherwise and above all else, silent.
… and I thought men fantasised! 😉
I agree with Gerry in that as a Male I am looking for positive information on this new phenomenon (at least to me). I might be seeing a lot of misinformation out there. What I am seeing appears to be abuse (forced chastity and forced feminization of the male, beating punishments, humiliation punishments) that in my opinion is not something a person who truly loves me would do. I would expect a partner who would be a leader who would protect, provide, love me at all costs because of their position of leadership of the relationship.
In short I have seen no information for the man who is slightly curious on this and is trying to stay on top of liberal thinking on relationships.
I don’t agree with this:
You should note that any man asking for FLR is crying for help.
FLR is exciting to me and yes kinky. I get along better with my wife since we started this. My wife has always been bossy with me and her family. I am not crying for help. This statement may apply to some but not to all.
To me a FLR to be real need to be contractually based, and the Woman need to control family finances and have the power to withold her males pocketmoney. Then she can let the relationship vary between almost vanilla Level 2 , more formally strickt Level 3 and for the occasions She really want to run Her male through bootcamp-like mental bondage and behaviour modification She can swith to level 4 for as long a period as She want. Sole control of family finances is imperial, preferably also keeping Her male ignorant of family finances.
Yes I agree. The male should also be willing to take the Female’s surname in marriage.
Thank you for all the knowledge on this site, I truly enjoy enlightening myself and understanding more, mike
The ideal FLR for me, is simply one in which I would make the biggest decisions. Now, which decisions and to what extent and who does them, etc, would depend on the situation. I don’t know if I really relate to the levels here as they’re described. But it’s something to think about for my own levels of interest.
My FLR fluctuates between levels 2 and 3. I do all the housework, run errands, yard work, laundry, etc.. My motivation for an FLR is less conflict and it turns me on sexually. My wife motivation is that she wants to be the boss of our marriage and me. She gets angry if I don’t obey her. My wife is vanialla but indulges enough of my kinks to keep me motivated to be her submissive. Tease and long term denial keeps me in a sexually excited state.
I asked for the FLR a few years ago. My motivation was that I was reading about it online and it excited me sexually. It has been an ongoing process with many 2 steps forward and one step back.
I used to think spanking was strange, deviant and weak-minded. But later I discovered that when it is introduced at the right time, combined with other techniques (e.g., chastity, pegging,’feminization’), it can help a man experience his inner child – and the profound openness, humility, and trust that come with it.
I agree that the pain it produces can be deeply erotic, and it was eroticism that led me to be instinctively arousal at the mere thought of submission to strong dominant women… that made me crave a woman’s control. But neither the whip nor the cane ever took me to that place of deep inner happiness, childlike trust, and sense of belonging.
From there it was easy to surrender completely to a woman’s guidance and control – in heart, mind and body. The erotic element has continued to excite and draw me. But spanking has opened me to far deeper levels of submission and emasculation. My inner child has made me happily gender-fluid, and eager to please a woman in ways my ‘straight’ self could never have imagined, accepted, or engaged in joyfully for her. Now I would say that being spanked has been profoundly healing for me, and I highly recommend it to anyone seriously interested in a Female-led relationship.
Thank you for allowing me the space to express these feelings. Much appreciated! <3
I totally agree to the FLR because it’s about that damn time women take that led forever.
I’m a strong Level 3. We’ve been a reverse marriage for years. I’m a househusband to her. She’s boss and lets me know if I forget. She has a very powerful job and travels a lot and when she comes home, there will be times when she’ll treat/talk to me like a low-level employee.
Get me this. Did you change the sheets today? Are the jeans clean I wanted to wear tonight? Did you clean the bathrooms yet?
Our agreement is, I take care of everything related to the house. Yard, maintenance scheduling, garden, plantings: inside grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, minor repairs, finances. I have been retired for 8 years and once I began taking care of her and the household it was clear what my role was to be of service to her. I find it very exciting sexually still to this day, doing what I do for her. Sometimes I feel cheated or slighted and even overwhelmed sometimes, but I work through it, and she’s reasonable when something doesn’t get done….sometimes.
I don’t want her to have to worry about anything related to the house, except decorating/paint colors, stuff I’m not good at. She realizes she leads our relationship and I’ve said to her we live a Female Lead Relationship and she agreed we did and loves it.