Getting him to talk
I think we are all aware that guys are not good at sharing their feelings. To fully understand where he is emotionally, you will need to create an atmosphere where he can be vulnerable and you can remain supportive of his coming clean to you. Remember he is asking for your help and your leadership so don't wait to take charge; just make it happen and assume he will follow. If he does not follow, don't shrink away or show frustration. Remind him that he wants your leadership and it would give you confidence if he would follow your lead in this effort to understand him. Tell him you want to "have a serious talk" about FLR and when you want it to happen.
Ask if he would like to talk about it. Make a date to meet. Set up a room where you both can talk freely - the bedroom perhaps. Light one small candle so the room is dim. Sometime before the discussion give him a hand written note with a few instructions on it (playing to his desires). Instruct him to shower and come to you naked and when he arrives you want him to stand at attention with his hands behind his back and his head slightly lowered. This will play to his desires but not commit you to anything just yet. Prepare yourself with questions from your intuition about him or from things he has shared in the past. This is your first meeting so make sure your leadership helps move the process forward and does not derail it.
Setting the mood for his fantasy will help you get information out of him that he would not have shared otherwise. You must remain clothed like you were dressed for work. A flattering skirt or dress is best. Showing your legs is important to his sense of fantasy. Style your hair. When he arrives, remind him to stand at attention and keep his hands behind his back, not to attempt to touch you until you ask. Spend sometime kissing and fondling so he is aroused. His mind is now on his body and you so you have him focused and slightly disarmed.
Tell him you are going to ask some questions and he can tell you anything. If he wants you to see about an FLR, he needs to be frank, open and forthcoming with his answers. Tell him you are testing him. Then ask away. Anytime he begins to lose his arousal touch him lovingly and kiss him as you would to make love but don't let him climax and don't get overly erotic, don't play the role his dominatrix fantasy if he has one, it goes too far because you are not committed to the idea of FLR yet. You are his mate, who he has asked to lead; remember that and remind often. Occasionally move him into another positions to reinforce his fantasy and keep him talking. Try having him kneel, facing the corner, laying on the bed, laying on the floor etc. Use your imagination. Remind him not to touch you unless you ask.
Things you should ask in the first meeting
- Ask him how long he has been thinking about FLR. This will give you an idea of how much catch-up you have to make up.
- Ask him why he wants you to lead him: this will give you an idea of the depth of willingness to share. He likely will choose only positive things and minimize those.
- Ask him if he wants you as his leader to punish him for misdeeds: this is a key milestone pointing to how much focus he desires from you and what level he wants you to aspire to.
- Have him move to a different position and spend time touching him again
- Ask him how many times a week he masturbates: this will tell you the passion of his obsessions and fantasies.
- Ask him to think back to the last time he masturbated and what he fantasized about: this will give you a look into his perspective of how he sees women in FLR. Ask him for details. What were you wearing? What was he wearing? Was their anyone else in his fantasy?
- Ask him if he thinks about other women or men dominating/leading him. If he does, you can see that it is not just focused on you but on the "idea" of dominance and submission.
- If you are hurt by this, tell him so and demand he apologize for thinking about sex with other women, you can tell him you want him to think about you alone.
- Probe for more details, especially about what acts of sex he wants
- Has he ever thought about being naked in front of your women friends? This is servile where he has to follow your commands and likely points to some form of volunteer slavery. Remember, he may be feeling shame about this.
- Has he ever thought about you and another man while he watches and serves. This is the fantasy of cuckolding, common among men who want extreme FLR. Remember, he may be feeling shame about this.
- Has he ever thought about being forced to perform oral sex on another man? This is the fantasy of slavery, sexual slavery and cuckolding. Remember, he may be feeling shame about this.
- Ask him for his promise not to masturbate or spend time fantasizing for 7 days (assuming you want to have further conversations about this with him)
- Tell him he is doing very well. Have him move to a different position. If you can, spend time touching him and kissing again. Try to remember why you both are there.
- Ask him if he has looked at femdom or BDSM/BSDM porn on-line. This will tell you where he is enhancing his fantasies. This will be an embarrassing admission so he will tend to minimize his response.
- Ask him how often each week he looks at femdom or BDSM/BSDM porn on-line: this will tell you how intensely he is enhancing his fantasies.
- Ask him when and with what computer he is accessing these web sites.
- Ask him for his promise not to look at any images of sex, femdom, porn or BSDM for 7 days.
- At the end tell him you have committed to nothing yet and you want to have further conversations about this when you are ready (assuming you do). If you are done, then finish gracefully. If you want to pursue further, then finish this script.
- Have him reinforce the promises he has made to you and ask him to confess immediately if he fails to keep any so you can maintain a level of trust. Promoting openness/transparency from this time on is better for you.
- Ask him to dress for bed or go about his day whichever is best. Ask him to give you some space to think.
- Separate yourself from him.
- Now you will want to think things over.
You may be blown away. You may be hot. You may be disgusted. Women react differently and to what their men confess. Keep in mind, you don't have the full story yet.
Keeping your relationship vital - Things you should keep asking
Okay, now what? You have some answers. You may need to spend some time licking your wounds. Most of all, you will need to decide if you still want him or not. You can approach him and say you don't want anything to do with FLR but that wont solve the issues created by his desires. You are in a relationship, that takes two and at least one of you is looking for FLR. We recommend follow-up discussions with your mate -- discussions could lead to:
- Intervention (we don't recommend this one).
- Ignoring the problem (we don't recommend this one).
- Some kind of counseling (if he agrees and you won't want anything to do with FLR).
- Greater interest in FLR (assuming you are interested).
- The drastic move of finding a new mate.
Discussion may be hard work for some women and may be a pleasure for others. After all when is the last time you had an intimate conversation with him where he was vulnerable to you. If you want it to happen, it will because you can make it so?
- DONE! - If you are done with this and the relationship, then take appropriate action. If you are going this way:
I WANT HIM BUT NOT IT! If warranted, and he agrees, get a third party to help you, counseling may normalize your relationship again. If you are going this way:
- We recommend you do not provoke anger in him.
- We recommend you discuss your exit strategy with him.
- You were friends before and you can be friends again.
- If he stalks, begins behaving irrationally or you see signs of mental illness, act appropriately and publicly to protect him and you.
I WANT IT! If you are beginning to like the idea then take stock, learn all you can, create "your agenda" and grow. If you are going this way:
- We recommend you do not indulge any fantasy.
- We recommend you get his agreement for help.
- We recommend you both talk to find the deltas in your relationship that allowed his FLR desires. What is it that you as a couple are doing wrong.
- We recommend you help him remove temptation (block the internet, stop secret masturbation).
- We recommend you take caution not to embarrass him beyond measure by openly discussing his situation publicly, he may lose trust in you to discuss difficult things in the future.
- Some couples find having more sex where the women taking an active role in making sure he has sex with her on a daily basis - normalize the relationship by reducing sexual tension.
- Remember, obsessive behaviors are difficult to end.
- We recommend you only simulate fantasies until you have decided what you want.
- We recommend you have several more planned meetings and add increasingly less stimulation to his body while you are talking. You both will become more comfortable talking openly.
- We recommend you remind him FLR is on trial. He must remain humble, frank, forthright and open. Less than that tends to derail growing.
- We recommend you educate yourself and join communities where FLR is discussed openly.
- We recommend you get full disclosure from him by keeping the dialogue alive.
- We recommend you figure out what you want to try or do and craft your FLR to enhance things you like. Experiment.
- We recommend you learn his motivations/triggers for the success of your FLR, which will to help him grow.
- It is fun being the leader when you have a good follower.
- Settle in, make some goals for yourself, your man, and you both as a couple.
- Find out what his goals are.
- Set your agenda, allow time for experiments.
- You don't have to be perfect or an expert. You are you and he is he - just keep moving forward.
- Set boundaries, rules and a way to correct problems.
- Create a plan for adjustment.
- Create a training plan.
- Enjoy the perks and benefits.
- Learn more about his motivation and motivate him.
- The more you work his service into your relationship, the better he will like it.
- Don't be afraid to back-off.
This page is being cared for by: Multifaceted Moi, Radzzz, Ann1000Days, SusanM88, GwenDlyn, and Prickly Pear
Last Edit: 07-Dec-2011, edited by Multifaceted Moi