We know from experience that matters of the heart are difficult to impossible to logic our way through so too are drives and desires. These is a reason/motivation though it may be a combination of points and it may be extremely complex and understanding his reasons will help you make a decision to participate, or just fix the problem that is motivating him to want FLR. Yes, some reasons are problems that cannot be indulged because it is bad for him and you. Some problems may end your relationship.
You should be aware he likely feels shame, shyness, awkwardness, and/or incompetent to open up to you about his reasons and may not be unaware of some of them too. He very likely has been thinking about FLR for a long-time; has fantasies; spends secret time masturbating fantasizing about FLR; has experimented with so called “stealth surrender” by pampering you or doing chores; has spent time reading blogs and fanatical web sites on-line; and by now looked at thousands of pornographic images or women dominating and punishing men. This means you need to catch up to where he is at by asking frank questions. Be aware you may not like his answers.
Because of his awkwardness to share about female led relationships he may have a tendency to minimize his activities and feelings. Because of the tendency to minimize, getting to the root is a process of your taking the lead and getting him to open up. This is a real journey with your man, a journey, where ‘for a time’, the women take the lead. We suggest you disarm him by setting the mood for discovery and that you fortifying yourself inside, preparing both of you for a level of vulnerability you may never have experienced. Go as far as you want but be aware of the pitfalls of knowing his secrets. You might be disgusted, put off, alarmed, resentful, jealous, hurt, feel inadequate, or dislike him. Mates committed to each other overcome and get through it together.
Common reasons and motivations expressed by men – Why Men Want FLR
- depressed – Depression can be serious and may need medical treatment, get a medical test to see if his depression is clinical/medical and not just moodiness, sadness or solemnest.
- desires surrender to trusted mate – This can be a cry for intimacy where he feels a need to be connected by becoming vulnerable; your man could feel he needs a vacation from leadership; your man could feel a desire to become a slave (abandoned decision making); it could be an innocent expression of love; or an effort to indulge a fantasy.
- desires to be an ideal mate – Your man could have a sense of failure as a mate, a real desire to please, feel a need to change or want to save your relationship.
- desires vulnerability – many men feel disconnected and look to vulnerability to solve that; it could be erotic and dangerous.
- experienced FLR before and liked it – perhaps he has come from a bossy mom home where punishment happened until he left home; it might have been in another relationship or was just experimentation.
- failed to establish his own leadership – a sense of failure about being a good or effective leader
- fear of failure – take away his decision making power creates a safe environment
- feels a sense of guilt from not participating in chores – this is likely a secondary reason in concert with other deeper motives.
- feels a sense of personal weakness – wants to feel validated that he is doing something you want, wants to please you.
- feels a sense of shame from ED (erectile dysfunction) – many man have this especially after looking at porn for years.
- feels disconnected – this is a real problem for men who tend to keep women at a safe distance, an effort to find connection and intimacy.
- feels it is his place – some men are naturally submissive or servile, this may be an effort to indulge a fantasy
- loneliness – lack of connections and wanting vulnerability point to loneliness
- looks like fun – if it is just for fun, what use is it except as recreational sex.
- my wife deserves to lead – this may be an innocent expression of confidence in you or an effort to appease you to indulge a fantasy
- my wife is better at leadership – could be a feeling of failure or an acknowledgement of his confidence in you, it is not a motivation but a recognition.
- needs a distraction/vacation from some pressure in life – this is often true of men and women who have high-powered lives and seek distraction.
- needs external motivation/wants to be forced to change – laziness, lots of men need motivation to lose weight, keep in shape, serve their families, these men will likely masturbate daily as well and lose interest in sex with their wife because masturbation is easier than pleasing his mate.
- obsession with one or more idea or kink – obsessions are the driver with a kink, such as goddess worship, cuckolding, slavery, BSDM, and extreme punishment.
- sense of unworthiness – this can be pitiful or part of his character, some men grew up with this sense and have not shaken it.
- senses you are dissatisfied with him – wanting to please, pay penitence, fix your opinion of him, show he is a good partner
- tired of pushing or leading – same as needs a break from himself, he may be frustrated with your follower-ship or cannot find any way to lead you.
- tired of struggling with decisions – same as needs a break or a vacation from himself, might be frustrated with your follower ship.
- wants greater intimacy/wants more focused time from you – like vulnerability, connection and loneliness intimacy does not come easy to men, being naked, sexual perks “just for you”, serving you and being commanded all focus attention on you and being together
- wants to save the relationship – don’t panic, it is just time to go to work
- wants to try something new – other things have not worked, so let’s explore this, likely connected to getting kinks satisfied.