Learning your man’s motivational style.
You could pull out your hair trying to understand all the motivational models science has created. If you will allow me to summarize, I think I can help. People have needs and they organize their needs by priority, lower needs at on the bottom and higher needs on top. Each of us has a style of motivation we adopt. We use our motivation style to experience the world around us, to adapt to the world and acquire our needs. The highest need for anyone is transcendence (helping others to be fulfilled) and truth is almost no one gets there. We can only seek our higher needs when the base needs are met.
Here is an example:
We need food and shelter long before we need creativity. When we have food and shelter in such abundance it allows us free time to pursue our greater needs. Then we can choose to fulfill creativity. In your man’s case he has said he has a need to experience female led relationships. That need could also be described by saying he desires control, intimacy, connection and vulnerability. Connection and intimacy are in the middle somewhere of the pyramid with the needs of belonging and love. Control and vulnerability are safety needs lower in the stack second from the bottom. So your man cannot get past where he is to become connected and intimate until he fulfills his control and vulnerability needs (safety needs).
Classic motivational styles include:
Goal-oriented (needs a reward or negative constant) – Goal oriented men need external rewards and the vast majority of men are goal oriented. Rewards like getting to do something exciting can be described as a negative constant while the reinforcement comes from the consistency not from achieving a goal. He already had the goal and now he wants to keep it.
Activity-oriented (enjoys the process) – Activity driven men enjoy the process. They want to experience things that create movement and success for all.
Learning-oriented (on a journey) – Learners are on a life journey to understand and experience; they are often inquisitive and don’t believe what others accept as fact.
Other Types (Sensory types) – Some men are visual learners such as reading and watching while others are auditory meaning they learn by listening. Some by active participation called kinetic learners, which typically means they must repeat what they have experienced in order to learn best. I don’t believe anyone is a purist at any style or sensory types. We are all some combination and lean heavily in one direction.
Consider how your man learns and incorporate that into your FLR.Your man for example is a visual learner who is goal oriented. We know this because he is seeking what female led relationship can give him, plus has gone online and indulged his eyes. Now his goal is to move both of you closer to a FLR. Because he is visual his fantasy is visual too. Satisfying it will need to be visual.
Motivation can also be described by what influences/inspires an individual. These are also called triggers and represent what he is into. For what it’s worth, you can take tests online to help figure out motivations. Here is one that has 15 Motivation Categories shown below. The criteria varies with what the test is attempting to prove so go in with open eyes and curiosity, but don’t put too much stake in it.
To apply this knowledge to your man, he has as his highest trigger, stability and as his lowest, self-improvement. We know he is a creature of habit, wants rules, structure and does not make much of improving himself. Since he wants you to lead him, we can assume he will make the best follower by providing him structure, rules, and traditions and by forcing him to make improvements.
- Power – How much do you enjoy controlling others?
- Lifestyle – Do you need to have a comfortable lifestyle?
- Creativity – Do you need a creative outlet?
- Status – Do you hope to be a part of the upper echelon of society?
- Respect – Is it important to you that others think highly of your work?
- Stability – How infrequently do you want to change jobs?
- Compensation – Is money your primary motivator?
- Location – Do you mind a long commute?
- Intellectualism – Are you able to work on repetitive tasks?
- Philanthropy – Are you eager to give back to the community?
- Travel – Do you need the adventure of travel?
- Recognition – Do you want to be recognized by strangers?
- Family – Is your family a motivating factor?
- Self-Improvement – How important is your professional development?
- Independence – Do you work better without a boss?
Here are a few more tests if you want them
- free VAK (Visual Auditory Kinesthetic) learning styles inventory short self-test – a quick indicator of preferred learning style
- Kolb learning styles
- McGregor X-Y theory (her attitude about leading him)
- McClelland’s achievement-motivation theory
- Maslow’s hierarchy of needs
- VAK learning styles model
Once you learn his styles, types, and triggers, try and understand how he has stacked his needs. Answer his most important current need (For me it is companionship and connection; without that I spend all my time seeking it out.) As a female leader, negotiate as many of the food groups as you can because ultimately you will be in a better position to help him and yourself. We recommend you attempt full control, even if you later back-off or delegate responsibility. You will be in the best position to motivate your mate and pursue your agenda while growing a loving, vital relationship.
Motivating him to enter a Female Led Relationship
- He wants something and may be willing to trade for it
- You want something and may be willing to trade for it
- If you play to his fantasy, you can get a better agreement for you both
Motivating him in Female Led Relationship
- First, find his basest need and help him to fulfill it.
- Work lightly on higher needs at the same time
- Don’t forget about yourself. You have needs that he should be working on with you.
- Plan to use his learning style to grow him as a follower
- Learn his highest triggers and use them as bait
- Learn his lowest triggers and decide if you need to force him to change