We are currently looking for freelance writers who would like to contribute articles to AboutFLR. Female writers of all experience levels are encoraged to share their thoughts, desires and experiences, pay is per article. Males encoraged to contribute on a volunatry basis, pay available for only the most exceptional male writers.
We are also in need of a Wordpress theme designer.
Contact: aboutflr@protonmail.com
Before you read this, truly consider if you really want to know his deepest fantasies. Once you know, you cannot reverse what you have learned. On the internet he fanaticizes about fetish porn with thousands of models. He participates in observing images, stories and videos that are either free or quite costly. Most of us are already aware of fetishes, fantasies and kinks which we willingly incorporate them in our sex play to some level. Many of us want more but there are lots of women who don’t know any kinks at all and may be better off not knowing.
Make no mistake, he has a fantasy about female led relationships and it is very likely FemDom (a term meaning female domination see glossary). The fantasy starts with him being less than her; she may be his ruler, queen, mistress, goddess or any number or domineering female titles. “Less” to him means She gets uppercase and he is lowercase She/he. It is a Dominant/submissive or Mistress/slave relationship. She can command him and he must obey or punishment will occur. In his fantasy, she is demanding, strict, beautiful, sexy, sadistic and powerful. He will have certain individualized fetishes such as how she treats him, what she wears, how he must behave and what kind of sex happens. By the time you learn about his interest in female led relationships he has spent a long time thinking about it, has seen hundreds maybe thousands of images, and has masturbated in secret about his fantasy many times. The fantasy has several key elements.
We don’t know any but likely, there are. We suspect they had a dominant mother that used physical punishment up until the point when they left the home. We do know of young men who have been in lifestyle BSDM but don’t know much about them as they are subs and closely kept. Your man may be the exception, it is not clear.
Having fantasies does not make one sick. He might be sick if you notice some of signs of sickness but the fantasy he has, no matter how extreme, does not qualify as sickness. He very likely has rational reasons for his desires; those desires are defiantly outside the norm. 80% of all people fall in the norm, and most of his life he is in the norm too, but this falls in the 10% off the deep end. Think about his fantasy from your woman’s perspective on fantasies, many women have a rape/force fantasy and some women role play to get it. How normal is enjoying the idea of rape? This is the same self-confident cocky man who is successful in many ways. He is having these thoughts and acting on them. Your bad boy! He is, like most men, a reasonable guy. He realizes giving up control has a cost and getting his fantasy will have a cost he must be willing to pay.
“Fantasies are not frivolous. They can be entertaining, distracting, frightening, even arousing, but they also allow for creativity and help us plan for the future. As long as we don’t mistake fantasies for reality”
– psychology today
According to AskMen.com: men think the top fantasies include “Domination (her dominating him)”, “Domination (him dominating her)”, “Teacher/student”, “Threesome with another woman”, “Threesome with two men”, “Voyeurism”, “Force fantasies”, “Exhibitionism” which all fit neatly into his fantasy for FLR. Other sites report strap-on play, having a man as a sex slave, the toy boy and rape bring the number one fantasy.
His fantasy may include any or all of these: being naked when the woman is clothed, kneeling at her feet, performing sex acts on demand, bowing to her, kissing her feet, wearing a collar, being held in chains, having to obey her at all times, being in bondage so he cannot resist, being teased sexually, being whipped, being tortured, being caged, being leashed (led by a leash), being kept in a dungeon, being one of many slaves, being required to dress in women’s clothes, being required to dress in only an apron, addressing her as “Goddess”/”Mistress”/”My Queen”; her forcing him to submit sexually “her giving him anal sex with a strap on device”, “being forced to service her friends or other lovers sexually”, “being ordered to have sex with a man while she watches”. Sexual chastity, wearing a chastity devise, prostate milking, and orgasm denial. Being slapped in the face, spanking, corner time out, genital torture, required to wear genital fetish wear, forced to wear a butt plug.
He wants his fantasy to desire the relationship more than he does, to drive it and make it happen, to captivate him. She is sure of herself, she talks down to him, commanding him and belittling him to remind him of his place. Yes she puts him in his place, “naked, at her feet”. Depending on his, preference she may wear long flowing fairy or goddess clothing; she may wear sexy, tight, or leather outfits; she may wear motherly or business attire. In his fantasy she makes him want to surrender and serve. He has a fantasy that she has sadistic desires.
Her power is enhanced by being able to control his orgasms. She denies him pleasure, teases him – sometimes painfully. She flaunts her power and control with whips, riding crops, canes, and her, many ways of restraining him. She may have sex with others while he is teased sexually and forced to watch then denied pleasure. She is in complete control of his sex and pleasure.
He wants her to take control and is willing to submit but feels/needs to become a much better servant by forced and very strict training. He desires humiliation as a teaching tool and is willing to beg and worship. His willingness is limited — he wants her to use him in many ways or it just wont work. He wants to be used as a servant, sex object and for her sadistic desires.
He is interested in the woman’s body; it turns him on because it is so different from his and a little mysterious. He wants contact, especially when she demands it. He wants to serve her every desire from fetching her slippers to providing oral sex on demand, all while he is naked. He want to bath her, dry her and put lotion on her body, help her dress and undress. He wants her to dress in her sexy attire (differs from man to man). He wants to be his fantasy’s personal butler. Some men want to wait on/serve women using the toilet or menstruating. He is interested in all things female especially in ways he feels are private.
You may be hot right now or may be thinking “icky”, but it is up to you how to respond. Most women want to please their guys at some level, but most women won’t do many things in his fantasy. It is just a fantasy right? We recommend you make a decision. This decision will be followed up by more decisions.
Most men cycle in and out of fantasies but they seem to reoccur and he may never get over it. Yes he can live without it but he will feel unfulfilled and likely spend more time pursuing it without you.
It is possible. Keep in mind however, that there will always be some minimum and he wants to feel he is making progress. If you have an interest in female led relationships, chances are you are also interested in some of his fantasies and can try to participate where you feel comfortable.
This site and female led relationships exist because of the influence of the 5 food groups on relationships. Because FLR is not a true role reversal, the 5 food groups allow both partners to keep their roles and gender traits and much of their socialization to start, maintain and grow a healthy relationship based on “rules”. Everyone has rules in their relationship, the understanding we come to when we couple up. The 5 food groups expose the best rules that both partners can live with and thrive under.
If you have heard it once you have a hundred times, a young women wants to change her man so she wins him, captures his interest then tries to change him only to be disappointed. Almost all problems in a relationship are summarized by the word “expectations”. Although people might fight about finances or communication issues, they would not be fighting if expectations had been set. People for the most part don’t communicate their expectations to their mates so they don’t get met. Many people feel that they should just know. As one gets older we realize there is a better way, we say what we want and hear what they want and let the chips fall where they may.
Humanity is full parts and pieces, a complex web of what we are, who others are and what we are all shaped into, where we are adaptable and where we either refuse or cannot adapt. Think of those areas that you cannot change, or wont, as your core person. For me I am a giving and inquisitive person who gets a kick out of the success of others no matter what else I choose to do I will always be that person. Conversely I have adapted remarkably in many ways in my life to the situation I either create or find myself in. My ability to adapt is the part of my life I can change without destroying who I am. Of course people can allow themselves to be destroyed especially when they don’t like who they are. All change can be painful but a willing spirit makes change an adventure.
Perhaps not a comprehensive list but you can see that making changes is very difficult. Each of the elements in the list has attributes associated with them – if we take our connection to others we can add some attributes of relationships such as: decision making, life direction, time together…. Attributes are the things we most likely can change. All of us have all the things that make-up humanity and practice all the attributes that make up those things. Of course that is a long winded way of saying, humanity is complex.
You can agree that experience often changes relationships. You can agree that choices often change relationships. People sometimes get into relationships to change things like their personal identity (I married the high school team captain who was from a rich family because I wanted to take on that identity, I wanted to change my identity). After a while in life we become more “baked”, know more about who we are and what we want; so changes are harder. There are 5 elements of relationship common to us all that often cause issues for couples that we can change and often we successfully negotiate them; I call these the 5 food groups. They are the basis for all the control we share as mates. Finances and Free Time are the big two. With these two you have the bulk of control.
Controlling attributes of a relationship is how people lead. The 3 key parts of leadership are influence, management, and control. Whether you negotiate each time, make a plan and stick to it or have more controlling process, these 5 things will be done and getting/giving up control of them and possible others is what FLR is about. In male dominated traditional Christian relations the man is the head, the women is submitted to him as she would be to Christ. Head is another word for leader, and submitted is another word for giving up control. The reverse of FLR has been part of our culture for 2,000 years.
The big two (finances and free time) is what you should negotiate to control in a level 2 FLR. Your negotiation will have limits and likely not make you an autonomous leader with final authority. It is too much to expect but you can exert a great deal of control with his free time, get the benefits of help around the house and have more security because you are leading finances. Level 2 is not deep enough of a commitment on your part to expect full control of the big two. As you negotiate more, you move closer to level 3.
Once again full control does not mean he does not participate or does not have a vote or even a veto, it does mean you have final approval/authority to make dead locked decisions. You of course are free to negotiate full control so your word is law even if you are amenable to his participation in decision making. You have the reigns because you control all 5 food groups. You want him to remain the aggressor in sex, done!, you want him to shave and shower before bed, done! You can stop him from internet porn, masturbation, sexual fantasies (aside from those you are using to keep him interested), any other bad habit. He can go to counseling to figure out why he has feelings of failure (supposing he does), you can send him back to school, get him to rest more, help him lose weight and on and on. You can micro manage if you have the energy or set an agenda and guide.
No worries, FLR is not for you. There are other things to try.
We know from experience that matters of the heart are difficult to impossible to logic our way through so too are drives and desires. These is a reason/motivation though it may be a combination of points and it may be extremely complex and understanding his reasons will help you make a decision to participate, or just fix the problem that is motivating him to want FLR. Yes, some reasons are problems that cannot be indulged because it is bad for him and you. Some problems may end your relationship.
You should be aware he likely feels shame, shyness, awkwardness, and/or incompetent to open up to you about his reasons and may not be unaware of some of them too. He very likely has been thinking about FLR for a long-time; has fantasies; spends secret time masturbating fantasizing about FLR; has experimented with so called “stealth surrender” by pampering you or doing chores; has spent time reading blogs and fanatical web sites on-line; and by now looked at thousands of pornographic images or women dominating and punishing men. This means you need to catch up to where he is at by asking frank questions. Be aware you may not like his answers.
Because of his awkwardness to share about female led relationships he may have a tendency to minimize his activities and feelings. Because of the tendency to minimize, getting to the root is a process of your taking the lead and getting him to open up. This is a real journey with your man, a journey, where ‘for a time’, the women take the lead. We suggest you disarm him by setting the mood for discovery and that you fortifying yourself inside, preparing both of you for a level of vulnerability you may never have experienced. Go as far as you want but be aware of the pitfalls of knowing his secrets. You might be disgusted, put off, alarmed, resentful, jealous, hurt, feel inadequate, or dislike him. Mates committed to each other overcome and get through it together.
Simply put FLR is when women lead men – men who want to be led by them. Of course this happens every day in all types of situations such as business, education, healthcare and home. The phenomenon is when men want/ask women to lead in their personal lives. Because women already contribute to the leadership of men and men readily accept it, there must be a difference — the passion men feel about FLR is deep and varied. Imagine a strong man, say a broker who makes 2 times a six-figure income and is otherwise successful in many ways asking his woman to led their relationship. He might ask to participate in pampering her in intimate ways; he might ask to serve her like a butler. Many men want the woman to rule over him, making demands and exacting punishment for any infraction. This scratches the surface of where men want to go for FLR. So FLR to men is deeper and richer than simply being led by a woman or following in a supportive role. It is erotic.
You should note that any man asking for FLR is crying for help. There are some real or imagined issues that are solved by FLR. It may be an issue of safety, motivation to be a better mate, an obsession with kink, deep desire to serve, a penance for something he did wrong, and effort to save the relationship, a statement of unworthiness or fanatical idea to worship a women or women in general. All of these, combinations of these, and other motivations are the reason for his cry. Remember this is a man who is likely willing to beg you for the privilege of serving you. To define his view of FLR, it is wise to get to the bottom of things, investigate exactly what he wants and get him to give full disclosure..[read more about Guide to getting full disclosure from your man…]. A word of warning, full disclosure may include things you might not want to know about your mate. Remember the Carly Simon lyrics “sometime I wish I never knew those secrets of yours”.
FLR spans the gambit from bossy women shaking things up at home to voluntary ruler/slavery. We divided FLR into 4 segments for discussion. 1) Low key female leadership where a woman leads informally and derives little benefit from leadership and has some interest in FLR. 2) Moderate female leadership where women formally lead with benefit but have little/small interest in kink and moderate interest in formal FLR. 3) Formal FLR where the woman has taken control of the [5 food groups] (element one can control), has an interest in some or perhaps all kink and has a high interest in formal FLR. Lastly 4) Extreme FLR where the woman is elevated to ruler and has a high interest in kink and formal FLR and the man is reduced to a slave. Each of these levels likely has a place where women natural nurture, give and serve their partners at some level.
rate your interest in FLR – take the quiz
“If you look at FLR it looks like the safest relationship a woman can have. She makes the rules, she sets the boundaries, she has final say and he both loves her and supports her in her role. In any other relationship, women do not enjoy that kind of freedom or safety. This is a functional model for any woman who wants more control and less strife. There should be zero downside to female led relationships when entered into with open eyes and a whole heart between two people who love each other.”
A post from Asserting leadership
As we are about to describe FLR has two perspectives
It is a guess but most likely more women would prefer to have an ideal relationship where she and her partner were relatively equal and they made decisions together, had common interests and a great sex life. Most women don’t want the idea that she would control her man. The expression “I did not sign-up for that” might slip out her mouth or perhaps “wow, that is unusual” in response to her man asking her for some of the things men want from FLR. Many women are willing to go a little ways down the path, taking more responsibility and control but are not willing to go all the way. These women likely have an interest because they love their man and not because they are interested in FLR or kink per se. So she allows him to take on more house work and pamper her a bit but the moderately to extreme kink and fantasy are left out making the experience satisfying for no one and often frustrating for all.
Possible Perspectives: From the woman’s perspective, she is attempting to make things better but is not committed to the program. From the man’s perspective, he is moving her in the right direction.
Some women who take the request for leadership seriously indulge their man. These women may have several motivations such as “I am willing to try it”, “I could use the help”, “I am better with money than he is” and such. These rationale combined together make the experience worthy. Moderates indulge their men in service and kink to but often don’t understand why someone who wants to serve must be indulged or punished. They cannot understand “the extreme things”. They most often don’t want anything to do with punishment or very kinky activities. This level shows a real interest in trying FLR and pleasing their partner. Men with obsessive behavior sometimes push the envelope trying for more and moderates back off, giving less.
Possible Perspectives: From the woman’s perspective, she is trying to see if she can make things better and receive some benefits. She cares deeply for the well-being of her mate and is showing it. She is curious to see if it can work. From the man’s perspective he, is moving in the right direction and may be satisfied for some time. At some point, he may require more especially if he has not divulged all of his desires.
Formal FLR relationships are led by women who are sold out on the idea of leading and have a higher need for and understanding of control. Formals have digested the psychology of motivation for their men and weighed the benefits and risks of the various activities she could participate in or lead. Formals often have very servile mates who are indulged in many kinks and fantasies at whatever level the formal feels comfortable. The relationship likely looks like a reverse traditional relationship where the man is the submissive/supportive wife with the added features of male chastity, indulged kinks and servant like attention from the man to the woman. The woman likely still serves the man as well, providing a more motherly touch to him. Formals have taken charge of the 5 food groups, those areas of life that men and women can negotiate successfully: 1. Free Time (how he spends it), 2 Finances, 3. Life Direction (where they are going as a couple/family), 4. Sex, and 5. Household Chores. Formals may have a few extreme elements in their program, things that she enjoys controlling.
Possible Perspectives: From the woman’s perspective, she is trying to see if she can make things better. She likes the idea of the benefits and some of the kinks. She cares deeply for her mate’s well-being and is showing it. Motivated to make it work but understands she is in control, she must move her agenda forward. From the man’s perspective, he is content with the relationship and will be satisfied for some time. If he has not divulged all of his desires, there may be pressure for more. This pressure is already under the control of the woman who could grant the addition or shut it down with little or no consequences.
Extreme female leadership is difficult to describe to an observer because it is so intense. Women who practice this likely have taken their man and made him into a servant, object, pet or slave. She likely enjoys elements of BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Sadomasochism, and Masochism). Those in BDSM practice things most people don’t want to know about or discuss. If you can imagine your man naked, wearing only a dog collar and a chastity device. Kneeling very still while his leader places a leash on him and trains him with a whip to obey her every word, you can visualize the extreme nature these relationships can take. I hope people will understand it’s what these couples want and they should not have to deal outsiders creating feelings of guilt because it has been agreed upon. Understand as well, that we don’t discuss BDSM much on this website.
Possible Perspectives: From the woman’s perspective, there may be several scenarios 1) she is indulging herself in dark dreams and desires for power, control, surrender and sex. 2) she is controlling her life so she can expand her agenda with other partners and cuckold him. 3) she has a desire to break him and rebuild such as a boot camp experience, so she gets a man she wants. From the man’s perspective, he has fallen into it and likely cannot think of anything else. He may or may not get everything he wants but he is on his way.
No one needs to tell you why you want something, but you might be interested in why other women might want FLR. The advantages/disadvantages will depend on your level of commitment to FLR and any goals you set for changing your relationship with your man. As you increase the level of commitment to Female Led Relationships you see a departure from “life now”. FLR is either a panacea, an opportunity or an irritant to women. While men have some shame and guilt over FLR women don’t seem to and often welcome the lower levels seeing no change from their current life except clearer decision making and potentially less strife.
Perhaps the most compelling reason for any woman to get involved in FLR is to heal, nurture and bring about change. Any loving partner who takes an interest in the well-being and growth of her man wants to help, please and create a better life for the couple. Even if you don’t get into the higher levels of FLR, a woman can invoke change in her man’s life simply by taking the lead and making it happen. In the short run, a woman can effect healing, inject intimacy and communication. She can help her mate to grow by taking a stand and leading him. She can even release control of him and let him lead again at a later date if she chooses. She can also create a better democracy like relationship. That is the main advantage of his willingness to have her lead.
A second very good reason to consider FLR is perhaps other forms of relationships don’t seem to be working very well. People have stubbornly tried the same types of relationships with the same results from time in memorial. All existing relations have been tried and have a high failure rate. Failing is okay but succeeding is better. Trying new things, especially things that have the potential for success just makes sense. Stop the insanity of marriage and divorce by trying something new
At the lower levels of commitment to FLR there is very little difference between where you are today and where you would be in an FLR. There are some obvious advantages and disadvantages to this. The obvious change is the new agreement about the 5 food groups. and who is taking care of what. Like your job where you are in control of things, you get to control some things that you both agree on at home. Nowhere is there a rule that says he cannot participate but ultimately you get the final word. Most women don’t want a weak man and don’t prefer to imagine him naked in an apron. The advantage of more formal FLR is women get to set the stage, limit or expand the scope of their relationship and remain the loving woman you are today. For the few women whom are bitchy and bossy, that is okay too.
You likely are already here and have some idea of how decision are made. If you have charge of paying the bills, housework or some other aspect you know how work is distributed. Just making an agreement where the women takes responsibility and has limited or full authority to make decisions about that responsibility is the lowers level of female leadership in relationships. To get these advantages you must have acknowledgement of your responsibility, his support and the recognized authority to make decisions for the both of you.
As a moderate you are getting into more leadership and authority, some or most of the food groups belong in your purview. You have taken control and hopefully have the support of your man. You have realized some of the benefits of his interest in serving you.
This level is considered the sweet spot for both women and men living FLR. The decision making process is simple, the leader can delegate change and there is a real sense of modification between the woman and man. There is a sense of adventure.
At this level she has all control and he has surrendered his control to her. This is often referred to as “total power exchange”. This may happen from time to time in level 2 and 3 but here it is a lifestyle of service and goes way beyond the 5 food groups. It includes giving up control of sexuality, friends, family, inherent freedoms and any decision making a man may have had in level 3. It definitely puts the relationship into the world of BSDM, D/s or however you choose to define when one member rules and the other must be obedient.
Fear of failure from added responsibility, fear of a failed relationship, fear of rejection if you don’t do it perfectly and just plain fear often drive the other reasons. For the most part men are bigger than women and women may look to them for a sense of security and protection. Women may have exerted some control historically but to actually lead and be acknowledged for it is different. How many feminine, strong, authorities, loving leaders or women do you know and respect? Farther still from historic relationships is a man who outwardly serves a woman. Many women just don’t want to have any relationship outside the cultural norm for any number of reasons. It is viewed as complicated, hard work, not what a women signed on for, opposite of their desires for a strong man and many believe that is not how it should be. The reasons go on and on.
Bowing and curtsying used to be a public display acknowledging one persons submission to another. The deeper the bow the greater the submission. FLR women seem to want this revived. The scores go down when it is done in public by as much as 30%; which says women want the respect shown to them in their private lives or among close company. To me this is hot and useful. Hot because he is down at my feet and useful as it describes our relationship.
