Female Led Relationships

     Before you read this, truly consider if you really want to know his deepest fantasies. Once you know, you cannot reverse what you have learned. On the internet he fanaticizes about fetish porn with thousands of models. He participates in observing images, stories and videos that are either free or quite costly. Most of us are already aware of fetishes, fantasies and kinks which we willingly incorporate them in our sex play to some level. Many of us want more but there are lots of women who don’t know any kinks at all and may be better off not knowing.

     Make no mistake, he has a fantasy about female led relationships and it is very likely FemDom (a term meaning female domination see glossary). The fantasy starts with him being less than her; she may be his ruler, queen, mistress, goddess or any number or domineering female titles. “Less” to him means She gets uppercase and he is lowercase She/he. It is a Dominant/submissive or Mistress/slave relationship. She can command him and he must obey or punishment will occur. In his fantasy, she is demanding, strict, beautiful, sexy, sadistic and powerful. He will have certain individualized fetishes such as how she treats him, what she wears, how he must behave and what kind of sex happens. By the time you learn about his interest in female led relationships he has spent a long time thinking about it, has seen hundreds maybe thousands of images, and has masturbated in secret about his fantasy many times. The fantasy has several key elements.

1. Exerting power over him including humiliation and punishment.
2. Her interest level is high and she is confident. She wants it.
3. Sex and/or sexual control especially fetish sex, props and costumes.
4. His willingness to give up control to her.
5. A high interest in her body and serving her as a woman.

Are there any men who want female led relationships that are not extreme?

     We don’t know any but likely, there are. We suspect they had a dominant mother that used physical punishment up until the point when they left the home. We do know of young men who have been in lifestyle BSDM but don’t know much about them as they are subs and closely kept. Your man may be the exception, it is not clear.

Is he sick?

     Having fantasies does not make one sick. He might be sick if you notice some of signs of sickness but the fantasy he has, no matter how extreme, does not qualify as sickness. He very likely has rational reasons for his desires; those desires are defiantly outside the norm. 80% of all people fall in the norm, and most of his life he is in the norm too, but this falls in the 10% off the deep end. Think about his fantasy from your woman’s perspective on fantasies, many women have a rape/force fantasy and some women role play to get it. How normal is enjoying the idea of rape? This is the same self-confident cocky man who is successful in many ways. He is having these thoughts and acting on them. Your bad boy! He is, like most men, a reasonable guy. He realizes giving up control has a cost and getting his fantasy will have a cost he must be willing to pay.

     “Fantasies are not frivolous. They can be entertaining, distracting, frightening, even arousing, but they also allow for creativity and help us plan for the future. As long as we don’t mistake fantasies for reality”

– psychology today

     According to AskMen.com: men think the top fantasies include “Domination (her dominating him)”, “Domination (him dominating her)”, “Teacher/student”, “Threesome with another woman”, “Threesome with two men”, “Voyeurism”, “Force fantasies”, “Exhibitionism” which all fit neatly into his fantasy for FLR. Other sites report strap-on play, having a man as a sex slave, the toy boy and rape bring the number one fantasy.

He fantasizes about – her exerting power over him including humiliation and punishment.

     His fantasy may include any or all of these: being naked when the woman is clothed, kneeling at her feet, performing sex acts on demand, bowing to her, kissing her feet, wearing a collar, being held in chains, having to obey her at all times, being in bondage so he cannot resist, being teased sexually, being whipped, being tortured, being caged, being leashed (led by a leash), being kept in a dungeon, being one of many slaves, being required to dress in women’s clothes, being required to dress in only an apron, addressing her as “Goddess”/”Mistress”/”My Queen”; her forcing him to submit sexually “her giving him anal sex with a strap on device”, “being forced to service her friends or other lovers sexually”, “being ordered to have sex with a man while she watches”. Sexual chastity, wearing a chastity devise, prostate milking, and orgasm denial. Being slapped in the face, spanking, corner time out, genital torture, required to wear genital fetish wear, forced to wear a butt plug.

He fantasizes about – her interest level being very high and she is confident. She wants it.

     He wants his fantasy to desire the relationship more than he does, to drive it and make it happen, to captivate him. She is sure of herself, she talks down to him, commanding him and belittling him to remind him of his place. Yes she puts him in his place, “naked, at her feet”. Depending on his, preference she may wear long flowing fairy or goddess clothing; she may wear sexy, tight, or leather outfits; she may wear motherly or business attire. In his fantasy she makes him want to surrender and serve. He has a fantasy that she has sadistic desires.

He fantasizes about – Sex and/or sexual control especially fetish sex, props and costumes.

     Her power is enhanced by being able to control his orgasms. She denies him pleasure, teases him – sometimes painfully. She flaunts her power and control with whips, riding crops, canes, and her, many ways of restraining him. She may have sex with others while he is teased sexually and forced to watch then denied pleasure. She is in complete control of his sex and pleasure.

He fantasizes about – his willingness to give up control to her.

     He wants her to take control and is willing to submit but feels/needs to become a much better servant by forced and very strict training. He desires humiliation as a teaching tool and is willing to beg and worship. His willingness is limited — he wants her to use him in many ways or it just wont work. He wants to be used as a servant, sex object and for her sadistic desires.

He fantasizes about – his level of high interest in her body and serving her as a woman.

     He is interested in the woman’s body; it turns him on because it is so different from his and a little mysterious. He wants contact, especially when she demands it. He wants to serve her every desire from fetching her slippers to providing oral sex on demand, all while he is naked. He want to bath her, dry her and put lotion on her body, help her dress and undress. He wants her to dress in her sexy attire (differs from man to man). He wants to be his fantasy’s personal butler. Some men want to wait on/serve women using the toilet or menstruating. He is interested in all things female especially in ways he feels are private.

How should I respond?

     You may be hot right now or may be thinking “icky”, but it is up to you how to respond. Most women want to please their guys at some level, but most women won’t do many things in his fantasy. It is just a fantasy right? We recommend you make a decision. This decision will be followed up by more decisions.

• I am all over this
• I don’t want anything to do with this but I think I’ll keep him
• I don’t want anything to do with this or him – see ya
• No! I don’t want to know the details of his fantasy but I think I’ll keep him and learn about FLR – I have fantasies.
• Yes I want to know the details of his fantasy

Can he just be happy without this?

     Most men cycle in and out of fantasies but they seem to reoccur and he may never get over it. Yes he can live without it but he will feel unfulfilled and likely spend more time pursuing it without you.

Can I participate just where I want?

     It is possible. Keep in mind however, that there will always be some minimum and he wants to feel he is making progress. If you have an interest in female led relationships, chances are you are also interested in some of his fantasies and can try to participate where you feel comfortable.

     We know from experience that matters of the heart are difficult to impossible to logic our way through so too are drives and desires. These is a reason/motivation though it may be a combination of points and it may be extremely complex and understanding his reasons will help you make a decision to participate, or just fix the problem that is motivating him to want FLR. Yes, some reasons are problems that cannot be indulged because it is bad for him and you. Some problems may end your relationship.

     You should be aware he likely feels shame, shyness, awkwardness, and/or incompetent to open up to you about his reasons and may not be unaware of some of them too. He very likely has been thinking about FLR for a long-time; has fantasies; spends secret time masturbating fantasizing about FLR; has experimented with so called “stealth surrender” by pampering you or doing chores; has spent time reading blogs and fanatical web sites on-line; and by now looked at thousands of pornographic images or women dominating and punishing men. This means you need to catch up to where he is at by asking frank questions. Be aware you may not like his answers.

     Because of his awkwardness to share about female led relationships he may have a tendency to minimize his activities and feelings. Because of the tendency to minimize, getting to the root is a process of your taking the lead and getting him to open up. This is a real journey with your man, a journey, where ‘for a time’, the women take the lead. We suggest you disarm him by setting the mood for discovery and that you fortifying yourself inside, preparing both of you for a level of vulnerability you may never have experienced. Go as far as you want but be aware of the pitfalls of knowing his secrets. You might be disgusted, put off, alarmed, resentful, jealous, hurt, feel inadequate, or dislike him. Mates committed to each other overcome and get through it together.

Common reasons and motivations expressed by men – Why Men Want FLR

• depressed – Depression can be serious and may need medical treatment, get a medical test to see if his depression is clinical/medical and not just moodiness, sadness or solemnest.
• desires surrender to trusted mate – This can be a cry for intimacy where he feels a need to be connected by becoming vulnerable; your man could feel he needs a vacation from leadership; your man could feel a desire to become a slave (abandoned decision making); it could be an innocent expression of love; or an effort to indulge a fantasy.
• desires to be an ideal mate – Your man could have a sense of failure as a mate, a real desire to please, feel a need to change or want to save your relationship.
• desires vulnerability – many men feel disconnected and look to vulnerability to solve that; it could be erotic and dangerous.
• experienced FLR before and liked it – perhaps he has come from a bossy mom home where punishment happened until he left home; it might have been in another relationship or was just experimentation.
• failed to establish his own leadership – a sense of failure about being a good or effective leader
• fear of failure – take away his decision making power creates a safe environment
• feels a sense of guilt from not participating in chores – this is likely a secondary reason in concert with other deeper motives.
• feels a sense of personal weakness – wants to feel validated that he is doing something you want, wants to please you.
• feels a sense of shame from ED (erectile dysfunction) – many man have this especially after looking at porn for years.
• feels disconnected – this is a real problem for men who tend to keep women at a safe distance, an effort to find connection and intimacy.
• feels it is his place – some men are naturally submissive or servile, this may be an effort to indulge a fantasy
• loneliness – lack of connections and wanting vulnerability point to loneliness
• looks like fun – if it is just for fun, what use is it except as recreational sex.
• my wife deserves to lead – this may be an innocent expression of confidence in you or an effort to appease you to indulge a fantasy
• my wife is better at leadership – could be a feeling of failure or an acknowledgement of his confidence in you, it is not a motivation but a recognition.
• needs a distraction/vacation from some pressure in life – this is often true of men and women who have high-powered lives and seek distraction.
• needs external motivation/wants to be forced to change – laziness, lots of men need motivation to lose weight, keep in shape, serve their families, these men will likely masturbate daily as well and lose interest in sex with their wife because masturbation is easier than pleasing his mate.
• obsession with one or more idea or kink – obsessions are the driver with a kink, such as goddess worship, cuckolding, slavery, BSDM, and extreme punishment.
• sense of unworthiness – this can be pitiful or part of his character, some men grew up with this sense and have not shaken it.
• senses you are dissatisfied with him – wanting to please, pay penitence, fix your opinion of him, show he is a good partner
• tired of pushing or leading – same as needs a break from himself, he may be frustrated with your follower-ship or cannot find any way to lead you.
• tired of struggling with decisions – same as needs a break or a vacation from himself, might be frustrated with your follower ship.
• wants greater intimacy/wants more focused time from you – like vulnerability, connection and loneliness intimacy does not come easy to men, being naked, sexual perks “just for you”, serving you and being commanded all focus attention on you and being together
• wants to save the relationship – don’t panic, it is just time to go to work
• wants to try something new – other things have not worked, so let’s explore this, likely connected to getting kinks satisfied.

     Simply put FLR is when women lead men – men who want to be led by them. Of course this happens every day in all types of situations such as business, education, healthcare and home. The phenomenon is when men want/ask women to lead in their personal lives. Because women already contribute to the leadership of men and men readily accept it, there must be a difference — the passion men feel about FLR is deep and varied. Imagine a strong man, say a broker who makes 2 times a six-figure income and is otherwise successful in many ways asking his woman to led their relationship. He might ask to participate in pampering her in intimate ways; he might ask to serve her like a butler. Many men want the woman to rule over him, making demands and exacting punishment for any infraction. This scratches the surface of where men want to go for FLR. So FLR to men is deeper and richer than simply being led by a woman or following in a supportive role. It is erotic.

     You should note that any man asking for FLR is crying for help. There are some real or imagined issues that are solved by FLR. It may be an issue of safety, motivation to be a better mate, an obsession with kink, deep desire to serve, a penance for something he did wrong, and effort to save the relationship, a statement of unworthiness or fanatical idea to worship a women or women in general. All of these, combinations of these, and other motivations are the reason for his cry. Remember this is a man who is likely willing to beg you for the privilege of serving you. To define his view of FLR, it is wise to get to the bottom of things, investigate exactly what he wants and get him to give full disclosure..[read more about Guide to getting full disclosure from your man…]. A word of warning, full disclosure may include things you might not want to know about your mate. Remember the Carly Simon lyrics “sometime I wish I never knew those secrets of yours”.

FLR spans the gambit from bossy women shaking things up at home to voluntary ruler/slavery. We divided FLR into 4 segments for discussion. 1) Low key female leadership where a woman leads informally and derives little benefit from leadership and has some interest in FLR. 2) Moderate female leadership where women formally lead with benefit but have little/small interest in kink and moderate interest in formal FLR. 3) Formal FLR where the woman has taken control of the [5 food groups] (element one can control), has an interest in some or perhaps all kink and has a high interest in formal FLR. Lastly 4) Extreme FLR where the woman is elevated to ruler and has a high interest in kink and formal FLR and the man is reduced to a slave. Each of these levels likely has a place where women natural nurture, give and serve their partners at some level.

rate your interest in FLR – take the quiz

“If you look at FLR it looks like the safest relationship a woman can have. She makes the rules, she sets the boundaries, she has final say and he both loves her and supports her in her role. In any other relationship, women do not enjoy that kind of freedom or safety. This is a functional model for any woman who wants more control and less strife. There should be zero downside to female led relationships when entered into with open eyes and a whole heart between two people who love each other.”

A post from Asserting leadership

     As we are about to describe FLR has two perspectives

Low Key Female Leadership (Level 1)

     It is a guess but most likely more women would prefer to have an ideal relationship where she and her partner were relatively equal and they made decisions together, had common interests and a great sex life. Most women don’t want the idea that she would control her man. The expression “I did not sign-up for that” might slip out her mouth or perhaps “wow, that is unusual” in response to her man asking her for some of the things men want from FLR. Many women are willing to go a little ways down the path, taking more responsibility and control but are not willing to go all the way. These women likely have an interest because they love their man and not because they are interested in FLR or kink per se. So she allows him to take on more house work and pamper her a bit but the moderately to extreme kink and fantasy are left out making the experience satisfying for no one and often frustrating for all.

Possible Perspectives: From the woman’s perspective, she is attempting to make things better but is not committed to the program. From the man’s perspective, he is moving her in the right direction.

Moderate Female Leadership (Level 2)

     Some women who take the request for leadership seriously indulge their man. These women may have several motivations such as “I am willing to try it”, “I could use the help”, “I am better with money than he is” and such. These rationale combined together make the experience worthy. Moderates indulge their men in service and kink to but often don’t understand why someone who wants to serve must be indulged or punished. They cannot understand “the extreme things”. They most often don’t want anything to do with punishment or very kinky activities. This level shows a real interest in trying FLR and pleasing their partner. Men with obsessive behavior sometimes push the envelope trying for more and moderates back off, giving less.

Possible Perspectives: From the woman’s perspective, she is trying to see if she can make things better and receive some benefits. She cares deeply for the well-being of her mate and is showing it. She is curious to see if it can work. From the man’s perspective he, is moving in the right direction and may be satisfied for some time. At some point, he may require more especially if he has not divulged all of his desires.

Formal Female Leadership (Level 3)

     Formal FLR relationships are led by women who are sold out on the idea of leading and have a higher need for and understanding of control. Formals have digested the psychology of motivation for their men and weighed the benefits and risks of the various activities she could participate in or lead. Formals often have very servile mates who are indulged in many kinks and fantasies at whatever level the formal feels comfortable. The relationship likely looks like a reverse traditional relationship where the man is the submissive/supportive wife with the added features of male chastity, indulged kinks and servant like attention from the man to the woman. The woman likely still serves the man as well, providing a more motherly touch to him. Formals have taken charge of the 5 food groups, those areas of life that men and women can negotiate successfully: 1. Free Time (how he spends it), 2 Finances, 3. Life Direction (where they are going as a couple/family), 4. Sex, and 5. Household Chores. Formals may have a few extreme elements in their program, things that she enjoys controlling.

Possible Perspectives: From the woman’s perspective, she is trying to see if she can make things better. She likes the idea of the benefits and some of the kinks. She cares deeply for her mate’s well-being and is showing it. Motivated to make it work but understands she is in control, she must move her agenda forward. From the man’s perspective, he is content with the relationship and will be satisfied for some time. If he has not divulged all of his desires, there may be pressure for more. This pressure is already under the control of the woman who could grant the addition or shut it down with little or no consequences.

Extreme Female Leadership (Level 4)

     Extreme female leadership is difficult to describe to an observer because it is so intense. Women who practice this likely have taken their man and made him into a servant, object, pet or slave. She likely enjoys elements of BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Sadomasochism, and Masochism). Those in BDSM practice things most people don’t want to know about or discuss. If you can imagine your man naked, wearing only a dog collar and a chastity device. Kneeling very still while his leader places a leash on him and trains him with a whip to obey her every word, you can visualize the extreme nature these relationships can take. I hope people will understand it’s what these couples want and they should not have to deal outsiders creating feelings of guilt because it has been agreed upon. Understand as well, that we don’t discuss BDSM much on this website.

Possible Perspectives: From the woman’s perspective, there may be several scenarios 1) she is indulging herself in dark dreams and desires for power, control, surrender and sex. 2) she is controlling her life so she can expand her agenda with other partners and cuckold him. 3) she has a desire to break him and rebuild such as a boot camp experience, so she gets a man she wants. From the man’s perspective, he has fallen into it and likely cannot think of anything else. He may or may not get everything he wants but he is on his way.

     No one needs to tell you why you want something, but you might be interested in why other women might want FLR. The advantages/disadvantages will depend on your level of commitment to FLR and any goals you set for changing your relationship with your man. As you increase the level of commitment to Female Led Relationships you see a departure from “life now”. FLR is either a panacea, an opportunity or an irritant to women. While men have some shame and guilt over FLR women don’t seem to and often welcome the lower levels seeing no change from their current life except clearer decision making and potentially less strife.

Create Positive Change by Just Being a Good Partner

     Perhaps the most compelling reason for any woman to get involved in FLR is to heal, nurture and bring about change. Any loving partner who takes an interest in the well-being and growth of her man wants to help, please and create a better life for the couple. Even if you don’t get into the higher levels of FLR, a woman can invoke change in her man’s life simply by taking the lead and making it happen. In the short run, a woman can effect healing, inject intimacy and communication. She can help her mate to grow by taking a stand and leading him. She can even release control of him and let him lead again at a later date if she chooses. She can also create a better democracy like relationship. That is the main advantage of his willingness to have her lead.

     A second very good reason to consider FLR is perhaps other forms of relationships don’t seem to be working very well. People have stubbornly tried the same types of relationships with the same results from time in memorial. All existing relations have been tried and have a high failure rate. Failing is okay but succeeding is better. Trying new things, especially things that have the potential for success just makes sense. Stop the insanity of marriage and divorce by trying something new

     At the lower levels of commitment to FLR there is very little difference between where you are today and where you would be in an FLR. There are some obvious advantages and disadvantages to this. The obvious change is the new agreement about the 5 food groups. and who is taking care of what. Like your job where you are in control of things, you get to control some things that you both agree on at home. Nowhere is there a rule that says he cannot participate but ultimately you get the final word. Most women don’t want a weak man and don’t prefer to imagine him naked in an apron. The advantage of more formal FLR is women get to set the stage, limit or expand the scope of their relationship and remain the loving woman you are today. For the few women whom are bitchy and bossy, that is okay too.

The levels of commitment to FLR

Advantages/disadvantages at Low Key Female Leadership (Level 1)

     You likely are already here and have some idea of how decision are made. If you have charge of paying the bills, housework or some other aspect you know how work is distributed. Just making an agreement where the women takes responsibility and has limited or full authority to make decisions about that responsibility is the lowers level of female leadership in relationships. To get these advantages you must have acknowledgement of your responsibility, his support and the recognized authority to make decisions for the both of you.

• Advantage – Normal relationship (everyone knows about this and sees it as normal/average)
• Advantage – Some control over life processes
• Advantage – Well defined relationship roles (this is set by the culture you live in)
• Advantage – Potentially less tension and strife (because things are culturally normal)
• Disadvantage – Life direction is negotiated
• Disadvantage – Little or no difference in share responsibilities, you may still be the sole homemaker.
• Disadvantage – No increase in perks and benefits
• Disadvantage – There is no formal stability in roles, they are good for today and renegotiated tomorrow.
• Disadvantage – No progress from his perspective
• Disadvantage – Does not address his/your needs for communication and intimacy
• Challenge – Negotiation for shared and delegated areas may cause strife and division
• Challenge – Errant decisions and lack of meeting expectations cause strife
• Challenge – Failure to correct why he wants an FLR will cause stealth behavior
• Challenge – Communication issues must always be addresses as in a democracy

Advantages/disadvantages at Moderate Female Leadership (Level 2)

     As a moderate you are getting into more leadership and authority, some or most of the food groups belong in your purview. You have taken control and hopefully have the support of your man. You have realized some of the benefits of his interest in serving you.

• Advantage – Reasonable normal relationship
• Advantage – Potential but limited perks and benefits
• Advantage – More control over life processes
• Advantage – Well defined relationship roles
• Advantage – Simplified decision making processes
• Advantage – A sense of leadership
• Advantage – The ability to control change
• Advantage – He begins to feel like he is serving you
• Advantage – You can nurture him if you want
• Disadvantage – May not address his/your needs for communication and intimacy
• Disadvantage – Limited decision making
• Disadvantage – Negotiation for shared and delegated areas may cause strife and division
• Challenge – Men may need training/retraining as followers or as homemakers
• Challenge – Errant decisions and lack of meeting expectations cause strife
• Challenge – Passive aggressive behavior springs from lack of inclusion or lack of full support
• Challenge – Communication issues must always be addresses as in a democracy

Advantages/disadvantages at Formal Female Leadership (Level 3)

     This level is considered the sweet spot for both women and men living FLR. The decision making process is simple, the leader can delegate change and there is a real sense of modification between the woman and man. There is a sense of adventure.

• Advantage – There is open recognition of your leadership and authority
• Advantage – Unlimited perks and benefits
• Advantage – Full control over life processes
• Advantage – Well defined relationship roles
• Advantage – Simplified decision making processes
• Advantage – Full leadership
• Advantage – The ability to enact change
• Advantage – The ability correct and or discipline
• Advantage – The open option to nurture him if you want
• Advantage – Communication and intimacy are as good as you make it.
• Disadvantage – Takes work to set-up
• Challenge – Relationship is outside social norms
• Challenge – Men who are not fulfilled in at least a few of their kinks will lose interest
• Challenge – It requires deprogramming for the male and reprogramming for the female
• Challenge – Poor leadership may cause strife and division
• Challenge – Men may need training/retraining as followers or as homemakers
• Challenge – Errant decisions and lack of meeting expectations cause strife
• Challenge – Passive aggressive behavior springs from lack of inclusion or lack of full support

Advantages/disadvantages at Extreme Female Leadership (Level 4)

     At this level she has all control and he has surrendered his control to her. This is often referred to as “total power exchange”. This may happen from time to time in level 2 and 3 but here it is a lifestyle of service and goes way beyond the 5 food groups. It includes giving up control of sexuality, friends, family, inherent freedoms and any decision making a man may have had in level 3. It definitely puts the relationship into the world of BSDM, D/s or however you choose to define when one member rules and the other must be obedient.

• Advantage – Everything in level 3
• Advantage – Unlimited kinks
• Advantage – Open obedience
• Disadvantage – More work to set-up
• Disadvantage – Potentially destructive to the relationship
• Disadvantage – Objectification is destructive to people
• Challenge – Micro managing is a lot of work
• Challenge – It is an alternate relationship
• Challenge – Will likely cause physical changes
• Challenge – Both members have to be outside social norms

Why women might not want FLR

     Fear of failure from added responsibility, fear of a failed relationship, fear of rejection if you don’t do it perfectly and just plain fear often drive the other reasons. For the most part men are bigger than women and women may look to them for a sense of security and protection. Women may have exerted some control historically but to actually lead and be acknowledged for it is different. How many feminine, strong, authorities, loving leaders or women do you know and respect? Farther still from historic relationships is a man who outwardly serves a woman. Many women just don’t want to have any relationship outside the cultural norm for any number of reasons. It is viewed as complicated, hard work, not what a women signed on for, opposite of their desires for a strong man and many believe that is not how it should be. The reasons go on and on.