An essay about adult punishment in female led relationships OR every relationship has rules this is how to enforce them

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An essay about adult punishment in female led relationships OR every relationship has rules this is how to enforce them

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· This article was last updated January 2011

An essay about adult punishment in female led relationships OR every relationship has rules this is how to enforce them

     Punishment is one of three subjects that polarized people about female led relationship. Punishment is not a requirement of any relationship yet I think we can agree it happens in relationships and it is often a women punishing a man. Take the ever popular "cut him off" punishment as an example. In level 1 FLR no one is going to punish anyone so this article is about level 2-4 FLR where both partners have agreed to a female led relationship and the woman has taken control of at least a 1 food group and the couple has agreed to punishment as remediation. If the woman has not taken control and the man has not agreed to punishment - don't do it because it is not consensual. This article will consider three kinds of punishment - 'Physical', 'Non Physical' and 'Self' and three methods: 'Strict', 'At Will' and 'After Correction'.

     In all cases for this essay we will use "Dan" the man and "Sheila" the woman as our examples. We will use a simple example about the food group "Household Chores" and we will assume Dan has been tasked with laundry because Sheila has control of that food group.

Strict Punishment "right now, all the time, without fail"

  • Fits FLR level: 3, 4 (can be temporary for level 2 for training)
  • Fits leadership styles: Commander, Other (can be temporary for Facilitator and Teacher for training)
  • Fits follower styles: Submissive (can be temporary for Strong and Confident for training)

     Perhaps the most controversial and least applied, the method most requested by men and the hardest to keep up - strict method means there will be punishment for any infraction all the time without fail - some couple want this because it is simple to understand. A couple choosing this will likely have an alternate relationships and must be in level 3-4. He will likely be subservient to her, slavish or treated like a boy and she will the absolute ruler of the home not just the head of household (HOH).

     Any couple can use this during the training or adjustment period too and then choose another method for the duration of their relationship. This is a good candidate for man "in training" when he has a long way to go and if the couple should choose outside help with training. It provides a great deal of focus on him which helps with his connection issues and tends to humble him. Women should note that many have reported discovering a person inside themselves that actually enjoy this while other report it is ugly and they did not want to continue.

  • Advantage - simple to understand, everyone knows what is going to happen
  • Advantage - build obedience
  • Advantage - quick, applied and it is over
  • Advantage - easy to find help with training
  • Disadvantage - requires vigilance on her part
  • Disadvantage - it is an alternate/non main stream relationship
  • Challenge - punishing in public is difficult, uncomfortable for bystanders
  • Challenge - may affect relationships, career and marriage
  • Challenge - may require a third party to know you have an agreement to punish as a couple
  • Challenge - some women report learning to despise men who are submissive in this way

     example: The timing - "Now, when discovered;" The setting - "Dan is at attention, kneeling or otherwise focused on Sheila;" The conversation - "Dan I am disappointed with the laundry you have been doing, I want all clothes cleaned as they accumulate - you will comply - do you understand what I said and the correction I want from you?". the punishment "something he does not like that helps remind him of his responsibility and that he had given his word."

At Will method "She chooses when, where and how with her judgement"

  • Fits FLR level: 2, 3, 4
  • Fits leadership styles: Commander, Other (can be temporary for Facilitator and Teacher for training)
  • Fits follower styles: Submissive (can be temporary for Strong and Confident for training)

     At Will method means she chooses the tone and mode of punishment and it can be for nothing, a specific thing or only big things and she can change that "at will"; this makes sense for women who have control of all 5 food groups as in level 2-4 FLR. This method gives her freedom but may be confusing to him. She may also be a bit confused not knowing how far to go or when to apply it. This method is "standard/built in" to women who get angry, it allows them to vent frustrations without destroying the relationship. The woman will likely consider herself bossy, she can be any leader style: Commander, Facilitator, Teacher, Other. He will likely be the Submissive type.

  • Advantage - simple for her because she can be more spontaneous and use her judgement
  • Advantage - helps fine tune the "rules"
  • Disadvantage - does not require any discipline on her part
  • Challenge - he may get frustrated not knowing when and why he is being punished
  • Danger - mixing anger and punishment often caused bad decisions

     example: The timing - "When she says it is time;" The setting - "Dan is at attention, kneeling or otherwise focused on Sheila;" The conversation - "Dan I am angry and disappointed with way you have been doing laundry, I want all clothes cleaned as they accumulate do you understand what I said and the correction I want from you?". the punishment "something he does not like that helps remind him of his responsibility and that he has given his word."

After Correction method "She corrects first then punishes if needed"

  • Fits FLR level: 2, 3, 4
  • Fits leadership styles: Commander, Facilitator, Teacher, Other
  • Fits follower styles: Strong, Confident, Submissive

     After Correction method means that she will teach him a better way first and share why she is disappointed, then if sufficient progress is not made there will be punishment. This is the most adult like method which is commonly practiced in the work place (though physical punishment will not be applied). A loving nurturing women can do this as a regular course of her life.

     example: The timing - "When she says it is time;" The setting - "Dan and Sheila are discussing why she is angry;" The conversation - "Dan I am disappointed even a little angry with way you have been doing laundry, I want all our clothes cleaned as they accumulate, no build up. This morning I could not wear what I needed for work because it was dirty. What I want you to do is each day see if we have a load and do it. Fold it right from the dryer, don`t wait. Please spend this week impressing me and tell me every day when you did what I asked. If you make the correction I will be happier and if not then we will need to resort to punishment. Do you understand what I want?, do you agree to comply?". the punishment "nothing unless he fails to correct then something he does not like that helps remind him of his responsibility and that he had given his word."

  • Advantage - helps fine tune the "rules"
  • Advantage - fits all leader types
  • Advantage - fits all levels of FLR
  • Advantage - fits all follower types
  • Disadvantage - talking takes time
  • Challenge - must be done in an adult way without condensing

Some words to the wise - write an agreement

     No need to trouble yourself if you are not going to use physical punishment. When adults practice physical punishment it is wise top get an agreement on paper and store that paper in a safe place - each of you should have a copy. If you don`t have it you remain vulnerable to civil and criminal actions against you. If you hit someone who does not want to be hit it is a crime. If you continue to hit someone who does not want to be hit it is abuse. Both of those things can lead to bad places, law suits, divorce and criminal court so get it in writing and get a trusted witness. It is not a legal agreement but it will explain your actions if things blow-up in your relationships. If you don't have an agreement in place take the time to write one. If you don't trust your mate, don't do it. It has been in the news (mostly men punishing women). [read more "Making your Female Led Relationship Agreement "]

Considering Self punishment

     Self punish is when he punishes himself at your direction. Imagine a situation where you gave him a direction/command and told him what the consequence would be if he failed to comply. If he is obedient he can do this to himself even when you are not there. "it is 8PM on Friday night - you are out with the girls, he has failed to complete the laundry as directed because he was distracted playing video games. He sets himself in timeout in the laundry area for 15 minutes then completes the task." Might sound silly but think it over, he is building "self-control." All of us punish ourselves with comments "I am so stupid", that kind is not healthy, focus on the infraction "I did a stupid thing", and fix it. Any physical and non physical can be self directed. He might confess his error to his woman if that is part of his agreement with her

Considering Non-Physical punishment [read "Alternatives to physical punishment in female led relationships"]

  • Adult time out
    Most men get into FLR to fill some needs. One of those needs is focus time with you. Timeout disconnects that especially when he is in another room. I have heard of women using corner time in another room too. The idea is to take away all distractions and create some boredom. In time out the guy should be doing nothing. I have heard of many twists on time out but the kinkier you make it the less it will work as punishment and the longer he is in time out, "doing nothing" the better it will work.
  • Exercise
    Most of us exercise so the concept is there. The exercise itself should be tough and he must complete it or he cannot continue with his freedoms. Think of it like boot camp, where the mouthy brat has to run around the track ten times. By the end his mouth is just sucking air and no more smart cracks are coming out. Make sure he is healthy enough for this before using it.
  • Remove privileges, money, toys
    If you are in level 3-4 remove some privileges until he demonstrated he has corrected the issue. You can use sex but if he wants chastity that wont work unless you take away his chastity devise as the removal of privilege, after all he is "privileged" that you are participating in that part of his life and you are removing that "privilege". Better still is removal of his favorite activities and replacing them with things he does not like doing. Remember this is de motivation so be careful not to totally discourage him.
  • Adding chores/less free time
    Much like removal of privilege is adding things for him to do. Absolutely don`t play to his kink here, don`t make him pamper more or give you more benefits, don`t use things that humiliate either. Look for chores that take his time away from fun activities, like yard work or cleaning the car. Things that are away from you and your focused attention on him. If he wants the focus back he needs to pay the penalty and correct the issue.
  • Breach of contract
    This does not mean you have to end your relationship but it does say that you feel you cannot continue to lead under these circumstances which it will force him to either go back to whatever relationship you had before or renegotiate your agreement. The idea is to get more from him the second time round - that is punishment for going so far. This should be a "last resort" kind of move, when all else looks like it has failed. Make sure you are of a mind that you can trust he will keep his word next round before attempting again. Otherwise you can assign a task/penance and monitor to see that he does it to build your trust before entering into a new agreement with him.
  • Considering Physical punishment

  • Adult spanking, slapping
    Spanking has been used from time in memorial, some men historically spanked and continue to spank their wife "as in christian domestic discipline" and women spank their husbands "as in disciplinary wives club" and "she makes the rules" Spanking leaves at least a red bottom and at most lesions and welts. Lots of men and women like to be spanked by female disciplinarians. And yes you can get spanked by your husband if you like in your female led relationship (remember you are the leader). The ever popular wooden spoon, hairbrush, paddle, hand and switch seem to be used often in adult spanking.
  • Adult whipping
    Getting "the belt" was how I got punished as a kid on my bare ass. If you look around at porn images you'll see many models holding riding crops, switches, canes, whips and flogging devices. Most of the men in these photos are raw with welts and lesions. 20 time with a belt as I got is a lot different than 20 times with a cat of 9 tails. Belts leave temporary welts, other methods can leave scabs and permanent scare. because this borders on S&M and BSDM we don`t recommend it as a method for punishment unless the women get some kind of pleasure from it. Even them we cringe
  • Extreme bondage and restraint
    Like time out bondage can be used as a form of punishment. The idea is to cause discomfort and boredom. Anytime you tie someone up it is a good idea to check on them to see if they are okay. Tiring someone up and leaving them in a closet might be life threatening. Alternatives to ropes such as chains, manacles, cuffs and cages are actually safer and easier to apply. Remember if he likes this you are not punishing him, rather rewarding him.
  • Chastity and "blue balls"
    Locking up his things in a chastity device solves some problems and remains a constant reminder of his error. So too continued teasing of his member with orgasm denial which caused a aching in his groin and abdominal as a constant reminder of his failing. Remember if he wants chastity it is not punishment just like taking a walk to look at houses is not exercise.
  • About humiliation

         We don`t believe humiliation (including sissification) is a good form of punishment except in a boot camp approach to training where the trainer need to break down the trainee before build them back up. Humiliation can also be a last resort to correction where the sin is exposed publicly so the community can help the woman correct the man. Generally humiliation is destructive for both the woman and the man even in play. If in play use a kind that does not address on-going issues either partner already has. Relationships thrive when both partners are being "built-up" not destroyed.

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    Women were asked
    I like the thought of punishing him?
    28% 14% 58%
     
     
     
    In Some Ways No Yes

    *on-going poll requested of women

    86% of women like the idea of punishment in their relationships. The trick is being comfortable with your choices and responsible to your core values in doing it.

     
    Women were asked
    I like the thought of changing him?
    35% 11% 55%
     
     
     
    In Some Ways No Yes

    *on-going poll requested of women

    Women overwhelmingly like the idea of changing their men. 89% of those polled were positive about it.

     
    Women were asked
    The thought of spanking him?
    20% 77% 3%
     
     
     
    Interesting It`s Hot Yuck

    *on-going poll requested of women

    97% of women find spanking their man at kleast interesting - this might be in play but compare it to the punishment question.

     
    Men were asked
    I want to practice punishment in our FLR?
    30% 6% 65%
     
     
     
    If She Wants No Yes

    *on-going poll requested of men

    94% of men are asking or at least willing to accept punishment from their women

     

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