A relationship where all involved are connected, stimulated, interested, growing and having needs and wants met is the ideal. Great relationships consist of making a commitment, active forgiveness for offenses, keeping a short memory of wrongs, framing how much active participation each want in the other's lives, maintaining open communication and love. Love is that word that is defined in so many ways, it is a verb, and adverb, and adjective, and cognitive and a noun, so cut love some slack and agree that love is both how we feel and what we do with our feelings. Most people don't make the effort to design a relationship; it might seem awkward to speak openly of the details of what we want. But good relationships rise above because they HAVE taken the effort to tell their partner their expectations and great relationships exist when both are better together then they are apart.
I charge for this advice in the work place but I'll give it to you for free. If you are a manager you may have designed a strategy. Strategies are not goals but a direction to go in. Strategies include short term measurable goals, what you want to achieve and how you intend to do achieve those goals. Strategies are implemented by a plan. That plan has three parts: Part 1 addresses the things you want to accomplish and the milestones and dependencies. Part 2 addresses your weakness in accomplishing those goals. Part 3 address communication about issues and progress. That is business like and not very relationship like but you can begin to see the advantages of not leaving things to the fates.
You don't need a big strategy, what you want is your relationship to grow towards ideal. That means you need to look at where you are and where ideal is and measure the differences. Planners call those differences "deltas". Here are some examples:
Your noticeable deltas are:
So you create a plan to get from where you are today to that ideal relationship. The very act of planning together, writing things down, and talking is moving the process forward and accomplishing focus time.
This process will give hope and bring you both closer together as you discover each other. Take time to list the elements of a relationship that make it ideal for you. Then, answer the questions about what makes it ideal for you or how to make it ideal for you. Here are some ideas" Remember these can be for both, him or her. (Choose what applies to your relationship or make up your own):
Depending on how you are making decisions as a couple and what level of commitment you have to FLR, your application may vary. Here are some examples: If you are in level 1, and want shared leadership, you might decide you will make all decisions together, and not make any decision you both do not agree on. In level 2, you might agree finances will be handled by the woman leader and only decisions over a certain amount will be voted on. You may decide that she has a veto on his spending for more than a certain amount. In level 3, you will likely give full control of the 5 food groups to the female leader. You may limit her and she will make most of the decisions for your relationship (she will likely have you participate as a cherished advisor). In level 4, she will decide. Everything is under her to control.
Think about it. In level 1, she is not making many decisions for the couple on her own, decisions are made with his approval. She cannot choose for him or lead him closer to her agenda without negotiation. In level 2, she is applying leadership, management and limited control and makes limited decisions in certain areas for him. She might choose to give him an allowance and control all money. She might ask him to exercise 1 hour, twice a day. In level 3. she is leading like a CEO. She acts on her agenda, home and choices for the couple; with full management and control. She can make decisions freely in the framework of her agreement like delegating responsibilities, removing freedoms, doling out punishment, and controling anything in her scope.
In level 4, the woman is absolute dictator. It is simple to understand the kind of power he has given her. She will choose for him anything she wants. She can have other lovers and demand him to have fidelity to her. He might never climax again. She can change his sexuality to gay, make him a Mormon or a clown, or command he eat only cabbage. I suppose loving mates desiring full control will take this seriously.
Suppose you decide to engage in a lifetime of learning and have a stable economic situation and want to improve both her and his education level. She has a bachelors and he did not finish college. The goal for her is a Masters and for him is a Bachelors. He needs 4-5 years in college full-time, or 10 years part-time and at she needs least 2 years in college full-time. There is a cost involved so it must be in your budget or you will need a loan. It will take time away from other activities. So you decide she will return to school for an executive MBA and he will take on all the homemaking to make time for her to study and read. He needs to learn to clean as she would so you decide he needs training and feedback until she feels he is going to be successful. The measurable goals are the milestones themselves:
Good managers and leaders surround themselves with talented useful people who fill the gaps and take on tasks the manager does not want to do or is not good at. This is management 101. Let's say you are committed to level 2-4 FLR and decide you want to increase your intimacy (which in this case you decide means: better sex life, no masturbation for him, more time pampering her while you both talk, he will give body rubs, foot massage and oral sex to her four times a week after she is done studying) and she will create an environment where he no longer masturbates or looks at porn. You are far away from your goal because you don't have much intimacy now and he often does both things.
She needs to control his free time and sex. She does not feel she can supervise him full-time, nor control his masturbation, so the plan includes her getting help. She adopts a chastity device for him which she asks him to buy, and they buy net nanny to block porn sites on his computer. Four days a week, he is to discuss with her any temptations and failures he may have had. She has agreed to give him open feedback about the pampering to help him get better and although she does not want to punish him per se, she is willing to reward him once a week with love-making together, if he has no failures and is giving his best to his part of their agreement.
A "level 1" approach to the same goals of increased intimacy and eliminating masturbation and internet porn; might be to commit herself to sex every night with him where she is more aggressive and they both agree not a day will pass without him climaxing. This will decrease his arousal rate which drives him to look at porn. They both agree to net nanny and she will ask him after sex about temptations - they can both deal with this when it happens.
Conflict may arise, some relationships don't have conflict because of the high communication level or temperament of the couple. You can expect conflict in most relationships so deciding how to handle it is a good idea. There are a couple kinds of conflict to consider. such as:
Of course all these are about expectations - anytime you say should, would, have to, must, can't and why; you can put a quarter in the victim's jar because there is an unspoken, un-met, unknown expectation. Conflict resolution is one of the things you can learn in business school. Create a plan to deal with conflict, decide what to do when something happens, how it will be resolved, what to do when you must escalate, and what to do if it goes unresolved.
In level 1 FLR, a more detailed plan is needed than is in levels 2-4 FLR. The reason for the more detailed plan is the governance of the relationship is democratic. Level 2, while still democratic, also has defined authority over 1 or more of the 5 food groups and a plan/consequence for non-performance. In level 3, FLR the female has control of all 5 food groups and a plan/consequence for non-performance. In level 4 she is a dictator.
Here are some ways to deal with conflict, discipline or punishment.
By now you have lots of information and it remains for her to decide what level of commitment she will have to FLR if any. If there is much do, many of deltas, and much time will pass correcting the deltas, you might consider the advantages or level 2-4 where one person can speed up the process by enacting change. If you choose level 1, you are committing yourself to working together and toughing it out with the both of you tackling issues where you are willing - many things will remain unresolved. If you decide on level 1, you need go no further reading this page, if you decide on level 2-4 then you will need a few more elements for your FLR design.
Last Edit: 07-Dec-2011, edited by Multifaceted Moi
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