Examining punishment in relationships
In business punishment means you are near to being terminated, and it is like that in traditional relationships too. In the conversation about relationships there is a trend to overlook/deny the kinds of punishment that really happen all the time. Of course most people don`t like to punish, most think it means we are treating another adult as a child. When I punished my kids I hated it but I did it because I loved them. I can’t say I love many people I work with but from time to time I have punished employees and lovers. However in an FLR he is asking for it from you, he wants it willingly as a grown-up man from his grown-up mate. That moves the conversation from punishment like a child to your loving him through some issues and maintaining some control of your relationship. All cultures have rules, laws and customs and penalties for breaking them. Most penalties are financial “punitive damages”, that takes away freedom. Think of money like energy, when you take it away it slows down the individual a little bit. This article discusses “taking the energy out of his behavior.” so you have less and less punishment over time.
In your relationship, you SHOULD have an agreement about how you will handle conflict, a relationship agreement solves lots of problems. Most issues can be handled by conversation but after a pattern of behavior is percolated to your attention, corrective action must be applied. When correction does not work then either a penalty or breach of contract are the only remedies and since we don`t want to give up our relationships we move towards “the penalty”.
Men want punishment from women in Female Led Relationships
Men say they want punishment, the reasons they want it vary but the 94% want it if she wants it. We can all agree there is a difference between correction, motivating and punishment. Punishment “to inflict a penalty for (an offense, fault, etc.)” is what one does to be punitive. Punitive measures must by their namesake be something the one being punished does not want. So if he wants you to spank him in play, spanking him is not an appropriate punishment, and worse, if you apply it you are reinforcing his behavior.
Men are asking for punishment in FLR and women are advised to look at things that cause corrections because he does not want them to happen again. Further those punishments that cause you to focus on him are actually why he got into FLR to start with, he wants your attention, approval, diversion etc…. So unless he does not like pain women should not even consider using it.
5 ways a woman can punish an adult man without physical punishment
To get to punishment you should have already gone though corrective steps such as adult corrective action, talking it over, and reminders. If you are the strict type then you would use punishment right off without any conversation and without fail.
- Adult time out
Most men get into FLR to fill some needs. One of those needs is focus time with you. Timeout disconnects that especially when he is in another room. I have heard of women using corner time in another room too. The idea is to take away all distractions and create some boredom. In time out the guy should be doing nothing. I have heard of many twists on time out but the kinkier you make it the less it will work as punishment and the longer he is in time out, “doing nothing” the better it will work. - Exercise
Most of us exercise so the concept is there. The exercise itself should be tough and he must complete it or he cannot continue with his freedoms. Think of it like boot camp, where the mouthy brat has to run around the track ten times. By the end his mouth is just sucking air and no more smart cracks are coming out. Make sure he is healthy enough for this before using it. - Remove privileges
If you are in level 3-4 remove some privileges until he demonstrated he has corrected the issue. You can use sex but if he wants chastity that wont work unless you take away his chastity devise as the removal of privilege, after all he is “privileged” that you are participating in that part of his life and you are removing that “privilege”. Better still is removal of his favorite activities and replacing them with things he does not like doing. Remember this is de motivation so be careful not to totally discourage him. - Adding chores/less free time
Much like removal of privilege is adding things for him to do. Absolutely don`t play to his kink here, don`t make him pamper more or give you more benefits, don`t use things that humiliate either. Look for chores that take his time away from fun activities, like yard work or cleaning the car. Things that are away from you and your focused attention on him. If he wants the focus back he needs to pay the penalty and correct the issue. - Breach of contract
This does not mean you have to end your relationship but it does say that you feel you cannot continue to lead under these circumstances which it will force him to either go back to whatever relationship you had before or renegotiate your agreement. The idea is to get more from him the second time round – that is punishment for going so far. This should be a “last resort” kind of move, when all else looks like it has failed. Make sure you are of a mind that you can trust he will keep his word next round before attempting again. Otherwise you can assign a task/penance and monitor to see that he does it to build your trust before entering into a new agreement with him.
When should I punish my man in our Female Led Relationship?
In theory you should have decided that in your relationship agreement as remediation. In practice you should use punishment as a step after correction. It takes a lot of work compared to his correcting himself.
Things you should and should NEVER do with punishment in your woman led relationship
You have boundaries and I think we all like to push boundaries from time to time, but if you are angry or frustrated that is not the time to push them. Most women think of themselves as reasonable and at least a little bossy. That is the correct approach.
- ALWAYS: have a goal in mind for your participation in punishment – leadership 101
- ALWAYS: choose punishments you are comfortable with – you lead, this is a time for leadership
- NEVER: go beyond your agreed limits – there are so many reasons this is good advice.
- NEVER: mix anger with punishment – if you are angry and want to wack him then by all means do it but don`t call it punishment because you are getting pleasure out of it and he is learning nothing.
Some good suggestions here for alternatives to physical punishment. They’re probably also good suggestions to use in addition to physical punishment, to reinforce the message.
All sound advice but, bit but why is it always assumed the woman is perfect? You mention things that make both happy make the relationship better, yes of course, what about the lady’s imperfections.
A loving female led relationship sounds wonderful, though nearly every blog/website makes out the woman is perfect and also that the man has no say in anything, ever.
If the situation were reversed every right thinking person would be shouting ‘abuse’
I agree with you, Dave. It is something I’ve seen as well. I think it would be more well-rounded if there was information or experiences based on resolving issues when the woman is at fault and how to communicate that and adjust rules as needed.
Now, when reading this, I personally didn’t see any of it as abuse (just lack of perspective when the woman is cause for problems). I will say that the level to which a man in an FLR has a say depends on the agreement within the couple. So, based on you it perspective here, I think it’s safe to say that you would want more say in your relationship. Or correct me if I’m wrong.
This is because FLR works only in American way of thinking. There men rule and women follow. That country is based in violence and revenge. There is no correction in jails and court gives revenge, not correction. Strange. And there is murders, LOTS. The whole society is based on violence.
In Europe and especially in Scandinavia men and women are equal. If you reverse the roles, nothing happens. We both make desisions together. Both have their own accounts,, own money. Happines comes from freedom, not from control. Of course we need boundaries, but we can talk about them.
So, the whole idea of FLR is based some old, weird, historic situation that doesen’t belong to present day. Because both men and woman should be and are equal in modern scietys.
What a great perspective.
I agree.
NO, Americans do NOT live their life based on violence and revenge. Your media and government teach you such lies to encourage you to hate American instead of learning about the freedoms we truly have and live daily. If you knew the truth you might want it for yourself thus taking control from those who have power over you. In America most married couples have joint accounts because as a couple they see themselves as one. They are selfless and share everything as a couple because they are taught to love honor and cherish each other. Please stop spreading garbage about America, you don’t have a clue about what you are talking about.
While it’s true, Jack, that American society is more violent and coercive comparatively, its model of justice more retributive, than its European counterparts, that do appear to have better outcomes, respectfully Jack your comment misses the point. I would say that FLR, this method of negotiated power, meets the needs of the individuals involved and has its routes in their preferences and their histories, and generalisations about society however convincing don’t really address the core material or desire that we bring to this kind of relationship. Ours is a lifestyle, an adventure not a blueprint for some kind of revolutionary utopian solution for everyone.
Dave,
My desire to have a level 2-3 relationship is that although I am the lead, I am not the only. My partner will have a say and I want him to–he is not a doormat. However, when resolution in necessary, I will make the final decision. Regardless of the type of relationship, when human beings are involved, communication is necessary. If he is fearful to communicate, then we cannot achieve a truly healthy and happy relationship.
I think when leading there is a time to listen and consult and a time to exercise authority. When the woman senses the man really supporting her lead role, she can allow his influence to grow. So long as the guy understands he only has influence, ultimately the woman is firmly in charge.
Communication is necessary, but men are not needed to make decisions.
She can do it all on her own.
Mystikalbella: You have a point there, of course there MUST be a communication, and as time goes by it will be more sophisticated. And yes, i’m not a door mat but as true submissive my opinion may be welcomed but not neccecaryly be followed, and I’ll accept that She has the final word.
Adding chores is the best for me. When I make my wife mad she needs to calm down. I know I’ve done something wrong and I need to do some extra cleaning
I think that a Female Led Relationship will work if there is a sensible conversation between the Woman and the man. whilst it is a foregone conclusion that the Woman’s decision is final and that She has the ultimate say in the matter, I’d say that if She hears him out it could be in the interest of both. moreover, the woman might also get some new ideas to further strengthen Her lead in the relationship.
I love the blog. It is so much similar to what i experience in my FLM. But the only prblm is i wish I had a mentor for my wife. She is trying from her end to be in this arrangement on my request but I don’t feel like this is going to work as she is very much confused how to continue this relationship.
I don’t want my FLM to end ever in my life, I don’t want to go back to normal vanila relationship
Not every woman is a dominant woman, you might have accept it. Most women are naturally submissive.
Unless your wife is a self-starting, motivated, go-getter I would not recommend an FLR. I haven’t been in an FLR per se, but my wife being a few years older has had slightly higher paying jobs and control of the finances throughout our 30 years. Chores have been divided by need and whoever had time to do them. Since COVID my job has been remote work from home, so I’ve undertaken doing all of the housework and cooking (wife is working longer hours recently). My wife, while appreciative of not having any household burdens has chosen to sleep 10 hours a day since she has time to do that now. So, no pampering, activities like tennis, yoga, jogging, meeting her friends, etc just sleep. Not my cup of tea, I’d rather save that kind of sleeping for when I’m too old to move any more. Every woman is different, as is every couple, so whatever works, do it. I do believe there needs to at least be some form of consideration, if not reciperation, of effort in any relationship, even one where someone has designated themselves as being less than their partner. Be careful who you give up your freedom to, or your effort to, I guess is the moral.
Hi Jay,Your relationship sounds perfectly normal to me.Whoever is better at any task should be the one doing it and that makes them the top irrespective of whoever is in charge of kink.Unfortunately some women
take advantage,something like finances cannot be monkeyed with since the person who loses financial status can never get it back.Then there is the impossibility of not being found out which can mean a total loss of friends,self respect,employment and a loss to children of a parent particularly if the sub is a father===IF.
Since FLR always leads to cucking there will always be doubts.Also many restraints cause cancer if left for any length of time so health is at risk.Then there is abuse.I feel that FLR’s must be registered with the authorities in order that a medical should be mandatory every so often.Furthermore I believe this is just a feminist long term plan to remove men from gainful employment,they have done very well at it since the 70’s but they certainly are making a mess of everything allying themselves with Atheism,wokeness and even abuse of children .Most people like a bit of kink to spice their life but nobody really wants to be a slave.
I want more than abything to join this forum. I am not in a relationship (62 years single and virginal..male) what i seek here is to add my support in everyway to the realization of a matriarchal society. i live in matriarchy now (as much as i am aware, it is an ongoing evolutionary lifestyle) but i have few peers in my life when it comes to a belief in female superiority. when the question of are girls/woman the weaker sex i imediatly think of the little french girl who conquered armies and led a nation. i dream of a time (that exists now.. in the future) where salvation comes from a female messia, where international disputes are settled by women who reason noy fight. i realize this is not the place to give my lifes code, but i am desperate to find a forum where a single servant of womankind can find conversation and unity..i am alone in my daily quest for a female led society. i welcome any advice. thank you. womankind (in every nation on earth.)